sexting tech savvy parenting - Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings

New Efforts to Protect Teens on Snapchat

Mike — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 20:22:34 +0000

Protections for teens on Snapchat have been slow coming and lacking features of other social media competitors.¹

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Last week Snap Inc., Snapchat’s parent company, released a group of new features targeting 13-17 year olds on the platform. These new features are designed to create a “more age-appropriate viewing experience.”²

But what draws teens, drug dealers³, and those looking to sexually exploit teens to Snapchat?

The Myth of Security on Snapchat

Snapchat’s primary appeal is its perceived security.

Disappearing messages and images, combined with the gamification of “snap streaks,” makes the platform appealing to teens.

The former is also what draws people with untoward intent to Snapchat. The promise of being able to disappear.

The Anatomy of a Snap

Users can send texts, images from their camera roll, and images/videos taken with the app, known as snaps, within a conversation.

Unless texts, images, or snaps are saved to the chat, they disappear after viewing, or within 24 hours. Further, snaps can be set to disappear immediately after viewing, with the ability to view them a second time, or to be retained if the receiver saves the snap.

However, users can retain messages by saving them to the chat, taking a screenshot, or saving them to camera roll. The last two options will send a notification so the sender knows what’s happening with the content.

On the other hand, if a user uses a third-party application, not the built-in screenshot method, to record the screen, no notification will be sent. I bring this up to reinforce the fact that things that happen online can last forever.

See the latest research on criminality related to social media:

Social Anxiety and Loneliness in Online Solicitation Offenders

See more articles related to social media

What are the New Features Protecting Teens on Snapchat?

Safer Contact
- In-App Warnings
  - A warning pops up if a teen adds someone who isn’t in their phone’s contacts and they don’t share enough mutuals with.
- Stronger Friending Protections
  - Higher number of mutual friends before Snapchat recommends someone. As well as requiring a higher number of mutuals before allowing a friend request to happen.
New Strike System for Accounts Promoting Age-Inappropriate Content
- Content promoted by media organizations, verified creators, and random users is vetted to ensure age appropriateness. Violations result in content, then accounts being removed.
Education About Common Online Risks
- Informational productions created in conjunction with the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE) and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) about:
  - Catfishing
  - Financial sextortion
  - Taking and sharing explicit images
  - And more

Accessible via parents.snapchat.com, a handy family center walks parents through the process of setting up an account for themselves and their children with both text and videos.

However, the protections offered are predicated on parents setting up a child’s account. If your child created an account without your knowledge, you’re out of luck.

If you’re unfamiliar with sextortion, check out Dr. Jen’s article How to Protect Your Child from Sextortion.

How do Other Social Media Apps Protect Teens?

YouTube and TikTok are the most used apps by teens. Occupying spots three and four are Instagram and Snapchat.⁴

I’ll quickly eliminate YouTube and TikTok. Because the former doesn’t have messaging, and the latter has limited messaging capabilities.

Instagram allows users to send text, pictures, and videos and has taken extra steps in utilizing AI to:

Identify problematic accounts⁵
Blur images that may contain “sensitive media”⁶

Both of these technologies are available to Snapchat, but aren’t utilized.

Protecting teens on Snapchat, particularly young girls, from unsolicited explicit images should be paramount.

“…adolescents often underestimate risks and perceive greater potential benefits from risky behavior.”
Smith, Chein, and Steinberg, 2014

Protecting Teens on Snapchat is Secondary to Profits

There is a fundamental disconnect between management and reality about how Snapchat is used. Beyond understanding its usage, particularly teens on Snapchat, executives don’t understand how users get their apps. When called before congress, Snap’s executives weren’t able to answer why their app is rated differently between devices and app stores.⁷

Furthermore, the measures designed to save teens from themselves are invasive. The in-app warnings require teens share their contact list with Snapchat. While this is an opt-in feature, it is still an invasion of privacy.

Matters that concern privacy should always be opt-in, especially for teens.

Learn why it’s important for everyone, especially teens, to be able to control their online experiences. Dick Pic Culture: How do Teenage Girls Navigate it?

Using AI for Fun and Profit

An artificial intelligence was released earlier this year, called “My AI.” It was marked for wide-release to all Snapchat accounts on February 27.

A journalist at the Washington Post created an account posing as a thirteen year old. The artificial intelligence engaged in discussions about sexual relationships and alcohol with that user.

Contrary to their guidelines, My AI wasn’t adjusted for age-appropriateness. Consequently, teens on Snapchat are now being exposed to explicit talk from peers, older people, and machines.

Again, Snap Inc seems more interested in “moving fast and breaking things” to capitalize on tech buzz than ensuring the safety of teens on Snapchat.

Separating Moral Panic from Reality to Protect Your Teens on Snapchat

Even though I’m not a fan of the business model of monetizing users against their will, I do believe that Snapchat can be a valuable outlet for teens.

Teens need to feel a sense of security and privacy to talk to their friends. They also need to be included in the now-integral to life social media experience.

But this doesn’t change the fact that teenagers are prone to taking risks without considering consequences.⁸ Fostering healthy emotional development starts at home.

Creating an open environment to discuss concerns and experiences starts long before your child asks for Snapchat. Put in the work as a parent, build mutual trust.

After you’ve formed that foundation, it’s much easier to give them freedom to explore safely.

And with your oversight.

TL/DR

Snapchat needs to do more to protect teens and be a better steward of social media.
Parents need to create an environment that fosters mutual trust.
Teens need to feel free to explore and secure enough to ask for advice.
Parents can visit parents.snapchat.com for more information about how Snapchat is helping them to protect their children.

References

Snap’s Dangerous New AI Risks Exposing Children to Sexual Exploitation and Abuse EndSexualExploitation.org ↩︎
Introducing New Safeguards to Protect our Community values.snap.com ↩︎
When one pill kills NBCNews.com ↩︎
Teens and social media: Key findings from Pew Research Center surveys PewResearch.org ↩︎
What’s Being Done to Protect Teens on Instagram and Messenger? DrJensRecoveryReadings.com ↩︎
Updates to the Sensitive Content Control about.instagram.com ↩︎
YouTube and Snapchat were asked to defend their apps’ age ratings in Senate hearing TechCrunch.com ↩︎
The Current Landscape of Adolescent Risk Behavior National Library of Medicine www.NCBI.NLM.NIH.gov ↩︎

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses? Then you should stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

The post New Efforts to Protect Teens on Snapchat first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

What’s Being Done to Protect Teens on Instagram and Messenger?

Mike — Sun, 09 Jul 2023 22:16:00 +0000

Meta, Facebook and Instagram’s parent company, will be using automated systems and giving parents more visibilityto protect teens on their platforms.

How Does Meta Currently Protect Teens?

Prior to these latest changes, Meta already did the following:

Messages to teens from adults over 19 are blocked, unless the teen follows the adult
Teens receive safety notices when messaged by adults who have previously exhibited suspicious behavior
“Take a Break”
- Suggests taking a break after scrolling for a ‘certain amount of time’
- Daily Limit, allowing users to set a maximum amount of time in the app
Quiet Mode: limits notifications and messages when enabled

See the latest research on criminality related to social media:

Social Anxiety and Loneliness in Online Solicitation Offenders

See more articles related to social media

What are the new features?

The following features, available in the US, UK, and Canada to start, rolled out on June 27, 2023.

Invites for DM

Adults must now send an invite to connect via direct message. Only one invite is allowed to be sent per day, limiting the reach of potential abuse on the platforms. This limit is lifted if the teen follows the adult sending the message.

Text Only

All new message requests will be text only. No photos, videos, voice messages, or calls will be accepted until the invite is approved. While not perfect, it will limit abuse.

Learn why it’s important for everyone, especially teens, to be able to control their online experiences. Dick Pic Culture: How do Teenage Girls Navigate it?

Managing Time to Protect Teens

Meta has finally acknowledging that outside influences aren’t the only way their platforms can harm teens.

When a ‘Take a Break’ message comes up, it will recommend teens set a reminder to stop scrolling. During focus testing, “more than 90% of teens keep these reminders on.”

‘Take a Break’ will also expand to include Facebook. Facebook’s explicit limit will be 20 minutes. Unlike Instagram’s vague, ‘a certain amount of time.’

Meta is exploring a nudge that will suggest teens close the app if they’re scrolling Reels at night.

Quiet mode will be expanding globally in coming weeks.

If you’re unfamiliar with sextortion, check out Dr. Jen’s article How to Protect Your Child from Sextortion.

Additional Parental Supervision to Protect Teens

Meta is giving parents a bigger window into their teens’ activities online.

When a teen blocks someone, Instagram will suggest the teen allows their parents to supervise their account.

Parents with access will now be able to see mutuals of both followers and those following their teens.

Meta has also expanded options for notifications from Parental Supervision on Instagram.

Conclusion

All of these tools are a good start, but it can’t replace having an actual conversation with your child.

Don’t let a billion dollar company be the medium you use to communicate with your children. Sit them down and talk to them about the realities of an always-connected world.

Link to Meta’s Post on these updates.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

The post What’s Being Done to Protect Teens on Instagram and Messenger? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Content Blockers on my Children’s Devices?

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 20:21:47 +0000

Content blockers can impact the digital lives that kids lead.

They live on their phones: Discord, Snapchat, Instagram, YouTube, BeReal, and TikTok; incidentally the latter has surpassed YouTube for total viewing hours per month.

And, as parents, you know the promise of good content on the internet, but there’s a lot of content out there that is not meant for children.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

The Accidental Problem

It is not uncommon for children to be exposed to online pornography as young as 8 years old. This early exposure is often accidental.

If you put a content blocker on your child’s device, it is best to talk to them about it and why you are doing it.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Since most parents don’t talk to their kids about online pornography, kids don’t usually feel comfortable coming to mom or dad with what they saw online.

Newer research suggests that this early online pornography exposure is correlated with future problematic sexual behavior.

What Content Blockers do parents use?

Many choose to enable parental controls on phones or in apps directly to try to limit the type of content their children can either accidentally or intentionally access.

Many apps now have internal parental controls as do most phones and tablets. In addition, there are entire marketplaces full of services and apps that you can purchase to block content on your device. These apps range from locking things down nearly completely to simply alerting someone that a certain type of content has been accessed.

If you’re unfamiliar with sextortion, check out Dr. Jen’s article How to Protect Your Child from Sextortion.

Beyond Technology

If you plan to put a content blocker on your child’s device, it is best to talk to them about it and why you are doing it. These conversations and limitations need to be had and reassessed as your child ages; some of the guards can be lowered in an age-appropriate manner.

These conversations are more important than any technology, because you have no control over what your child is watching on their friend’s tablet or phone. Maybe they can’t access pornography on their phone but their friends might be able to, and kids frequently share what they see.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

The post Content Blockers on my Children’s Devices? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

4 Ways to Block Pornography

Mike — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 00:19:18 +0000

There are many ways to block pornography; from narrow, focused methods to broad, restrictive methods.

In this installment of the Blocking Porn series, I’m going to give you an overview of the ways to block porn and discuss how to select a method.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Categories of Blocking Control

Safe Search
DNS
Operating System Parental Controls
Software Solutions

What solution is right for you?

Block Pornography with Safe Search

This one is probably the narrowest and some may say the least effective, but it’s still helpful. Turning on safe search on search engines. All major search engines have a safe search feature that will automatically block results that have pornography, drugs, and/or hate speech.

Pros

Simple
Focused

Cons

Only stops results from coming up in search
Must be set up on each search engine

More about Safe Search here.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Block Pornography with DNS

DNS, or Domain Name System, solutions can cast a wide net for blocking pornography and other harmful materials on your entire network, though the setup can be a little daunting for those who aren’t particularly tech savvy.

Pros

Network wide solution
Very configurable, depending on solution
Can be free, with enough technical know-how

Cons

Only works when the devices are accessing the internet from your own connection
Can be very complex to set up
Costs could balloon as more devices are added to service

Blocking Pornography with Operating System Parental Controls

Most operating systems (Windows, MacOS, Apple iOS, Android, ChromeOS) come with some sort of parental controls built in. These can be very effective and cast a wide net.

Pros

Can watch what’s happening in browser and what apps are being run
Once it’s setup it’s usually good to go
Flexible and configurable

Cons

Can be time consuming to setup
Fiddly – May require setting up multiple accounts (parent/child accounts, etc.) or complex permissions

If you’re unfamiliar with sextortion, check out Dr. Jen’s article How to Protect Your Child from Sextortion.

Software Solutions

These will, generally, be paid solutions that will allow very fine control over permissions and access. Many of these options will allow you to restrict not just web content, but what apps can be used or installed on a machine.

Pros

Reliable and difficult to circumvent
Very fine-grain control

Cons

Usually, a subscription model
Often times specific to a single device

An intermediate software solution would be a browser, either modified to block pornography or dedicated strictly for the task. There’s more information in this post.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

What solution is right for you?

There are a lot of factors that go into choosing the right access control solution:

Who are you trying to protect from pornography or other offensive materials?
Is it for you or someone else?
What’s your budget?
What’s your level of technical expertise?
What discussions or thoughts brought you to the decision to block pornography?

Typically, the best answer, is a mixture of a couple of the four categories above. In future installments of the series, we’ll dive into each category a bit deeper and provide some links for helpful resources and how to have discussions about restricting access.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post 4 Ways to Block Pornography first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

3 Reasons You Might Want to Block Porn

Mike — Tue, 30 Aug 2022 18:03:22 +0000

Why might you block porn?

You might want to block porn if you’re a parent of young children.
Pornography is a drain on time, money, and computers.
You or loved one has a compulsive desire to view pornography.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

You’re a Parent of Young Children

Give Your Kids a Chance to be Kids and Block Porn

We all know kids will get into things they shouldn’t, it’s part of growing up.

With no guidance it’s very easy for them to fall down the rabbit hole.

But with the right mindset, frequent, open discussions with them, and some technological barriers you can help your child navigate the pitfalls of adolescence, defining their own sexuality, AND the internet.

Pornography is a Drain on Time, Money, and Computers

Pornography has always been a pervasive presence on the internet. From the early days of newsgroups through the modern “work-from-home revolution” that OnlyFans has brought, it can be tough to escape.

Blocking pornography for yourself and/or your loved ones can have a lot of benefits:

Simply put you’ll utilize your time better if you don’t lose time being tempted by and indulging in an idle pass time.
You won’t be tempted to spend money on memberships to pornography sites.
You’ll avoid the hassle of potentially infecting your computer with malware.

There are lots of other reasons to avoid viewing pornography too. Risk of divorce. Desensitization. Erectile Dysfunction. Just to name a few.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

You Might Want to Block Porn if You or a Loved One Has a Compulsion

This one can be difficult, whether it’s you or a loved one.

If you recognize you have an addiction to online pornography it can be difficult to curb the behavior on your own. We’ll have some suggestions in future installments for handling this particular situation whether you’re truly alone in handling the compulsive behavior or whether you just need some tips in asking your significant other, partner, or parent for help.

If you know a loved one is compulsively viewing pornography it can be a difficult and frustrating conversation to have but having some technical solutions in hand will be helpful.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction

I know, I mentioned Erectile Dysfunction above, but it’s important enough that I felt I should mention it again. This is a subheading that could definitely be it’s own reason for curbing your mature material intake. Consuming too much erotica can have severe effects on your brain and the way your body responds to stimulus; I’m not the expert though, so I’ll let Dr. Jen explain the details of Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED).

Conclusion

There’s lots of reasons to want to block pornography, these are the most common in our experience, but, what reasons do you have for wanting to block pornography? Let us know in a comment below!

In future installments in the series, we’ll cover:

The technology to block pornography.
What IS pornography?
How to discuss viewing pornography with your spouse/partner/significant other.
How to bring up discussions with parents or guardians if you’re a teen needing help with pornography habits.
And more!

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

The post 3 Reasons You Might Want to Block Porn first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Three Things to Teach your Child About Safe Sexting

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 19:00:20 +0000

If we choose to face reality, we know that teen sexting has become a normative part of adolescent culture. Of course, not all adolescents are doing it, but many are sexting. What we learned from the years of the “JUST SAY NO” campaign and more years of research is that preaching abstinence just doesn’t work. If we want to protect children from the darker side of sexting, we need to educate and inform them about the practice, so they can make their own, hopefully well thought out, decisions.

What are the tenants of Safe Sexting?

You are responsible for your own safety.
Know the risk
Know how to protect yourself

You are responsible for your own safety

The digital world can be a risky place. Aware parents will have talked to their children about online sexual activity and perhaps filtered or monitored devices such as phones or laptops. However, no filter or monitor can truly protect a child from the risks of online sexual behavior. Ultimately, your child is responsible for his or her own behavior online. What they do or do not post, text, snap, etc. is their own responsibility.

To help your child be more proactive about their online safety, here are some things to think about and talk to them about. Before you send a picture or post, stop and count to ten. Ask yourself these questions:

Do I really want to send this picture or video?
Do I feel pressured to take or send this image?
Do I trust that the person I send this to will never share this image without my consent?

It is very true that many children, particularly girls, feel a great deal of pressure to participate in taking and sending sexual images. There are also online predators who will groom, intimidate or threaten a young person to convince them to take pictures. In these instances, there is no consent. Coercion is never consent.

If your child chooses to engage in consensual sexting with a peer, they should truly want to take the image without feeling any pressure to do so. They should also trust that, no matter what, the person they send the image to will not share the image. If all of these parameters are met, then the sexting is consensual and if your child takes and sends an image, they are assuming responsibility for their actions.

Know the Risk

Even in the case of consensual teen sexting there is a lot of risk. In order to engage in safe sexting, the person doing it (adult or minor) needs to know the risk involved with the behavior. So what are the risks?

Sexting as a minor may be illegal. Every state has a different law regarding minors producing and sending illicit or sexual images. The punishments for the behavior also vary from state to state. In some cases, a child can be the producer and distributor of child pornography as well as the victim of the same crime. Some states have decriminalized consensual sexting between two minors. Know the law in your state and share that with your child.

Another risk is that someone you do not want to see your image may see your sexual image. This is non-consensual sexting. You may have sent a sexual image to someone with whom you are in a relationship. This may have been consensual at the time. Then, something goes wrong in the relationship, and you are not together. Revenge porn is a real thing. If the person you were dating changes their feelings or gets mad, they have an image that they can send out to every other person in high school or post to a revenge pornography site. Anytime you send a sexual image there is always a risk that someone you do not want to see it will see it. It is also possible that many, many people may see the image.

Protect Yourself

In this arena of uncertainty, where something can go viral in the blink of an eye, how do you protect yourself? Here are some guidelines to help your child protect themselves.

If you choose to consensually share a sexual image with someone, only send an image or video that you would not mind someone else seeing. Are you ok with just anyone seeing you nude or engaged in a sexual act with someone? If you are not okay with that, and choose to send an image, perhaps send a picture in a bathing suit or underwear. I don’t want this to be read as advocating for teens sexting but for those who choose to do so, to send an image that the sender would not mind any and all to see.

If you choose to send a sexual image, only send an image to someone you trust. Sending an image is a great act of trust as you lose control of that image the moment it is sent. You need to truly and completely trust that the person you send it to won’t someday get mad at you and send it to all of his or her friends or post it online without your consent.

How do you know who you can trust? To answer this, I will borrow from Brene Brown’s concept Anatomy of Trust otherwise known as BRAVING. This can be applied to you or another.

Boundaries – The person you may send this image to always respects your boundaries
Accountability – The person you may send this image to always owns their mistakes, apologizes and makes amends
Integrity – The person you may send this image to always acts with integrity, does what is right instead of what is easy or fun.
Reliability – The person you may send this image to is reliable. They always mean what they say and say what they do.
Vault- The person you may send an image to NEVER shares things that are not his or hers to share. They don’t gossip and they keep confidences.
Non-Judgment- The person you may send this to will not judge you.
Generosity- The person you may send this image to will assume the most generous thoughts about your actions and intentions.

If the person you are thinking about sending a sexual image to does not meet the core pieces of the anatomy of trust, you may wish to rethink sending him or her a sexual image.

To conclude, I would like to reiterate that my intention here is not to encourage or glamorize the practice of sexting among adolescents. My point is to be realistic. If teens are going to engage in sexting we need to empower them with accurate information and guidance about how to do so safely. Talking to your child about Safe Sexting arms them with information to make their own informed decisions.

For more information on how to talk to your child please see my book, The New Age of Sex Education: how to talk to your teen about cybersex and pornography in the digital age.

For more information on Dr. Weeks, Please see our website www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com

The post Three Things to Teach your Child About Safe Sexting first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Girls and Sexting

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 03:21:20 +0000

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

I am writing to you today from the annual conference of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (ATSA).

Each year, in addition to traditional talks, there are poster presentations. Today, Marion Desfachelles, a Ph.D. student at the University of Montreal, presented a poster on her research on girls and sexting.

Background on Canadian Laws

Canada’s laws regarding teenage sexting are different from the US.

In Canada, sexting is divided into two categories, Primary and Secondary.

Primary sexting is defined as sending or receiving sexually explicit content in a private context.
Secondary sexting is defined as distributing the image or video to the public.

The Supreme Court of Canada ruled this year that to establish an intimate photo exception to the juvenile pornography laws. This exception allows “two youths, who engage in lawful sexual activity, to consensually record their own lawful sexual activity as long as that recording is made or possessed for their personal use.”

In the US, two minors in this situation would face criminal penalties.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Desfachelles’ Research

As most of the research on secondary sexting is focused on boys, Ms. Desfachelles wanted to look at how girls engage in primary or secondary sexting. To do this, she looked at the arrest records of 27 girls who were arrested or suspected to be involved in cases of juvenile pornography.

What did the study find?

Girls are sometimes the primary sexter and the secondary victim, meaning a girl may have taken an image for a partner but it was then distributed outside the context of that relationship. Girls also distributed sexual imagery to others.

An interesting finding was that the girls did acknowledge that sending these images would be hurtful to the victims, but the girls thought that the victims of the secondary sexting were responsible for the situation.

The study found three main motivations for secondary sexting:

Learn more about Primary Prevention and its benefits in these articles:

The most common motivation was that of revenge or hurt.
The other two motivations seen were goodwill and fun, meaning peer pressure.

Boys continue to be most frequently the originators of the secondary sexting, but girls sometimes start the process and definitely participate in the secondary sexting.

Available on Amazon

We know that there is significant emotional damage to the victim of secondary sexting.

Prevention campaigns often focus on not sexting at all.

The author suggests that, as sexting is becoming a more normative behavior for teens, the prevention efforts be moved to focus on prevention of secondary sexting.

What can you do as a parent?

Help teens understand that they should keep something that was sent in the context of a relationship private.

Teach teens about consent and that consent also applies to distribution of images sent with the expectation of privacy.

As always, parents should be talking to their children about sexting.

We also need to expand our discussions about how, if their child does engage in sexting, they can do so in a safe and respectful manner and to understand the risks involved in sending an explicit image to another person.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Girls and Sexting first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Things 8 year olds say: I’ve seen videos of people kissing each other in their private parts

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Mon, 07 Nov 2016 17:40:53 +0000

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Sometimes I think I should rename this blog: “The parenting chronicles of my amazing friend in North Carolina.”

I wrote about her experiences before when she shared with me that her eldest daughter was witness to a friend sexting on the school bus at the beginning of the school year.

This week, she shared something she overheard while her youngest child, 7, was playing with a neighbor.

My friend, let’s call her Pam to give her some privacy, was outside overseeing her children play with the neighbor children.

She overtly acknowledges that she loves these neighbor children. They are very good kids. Their parents are great parents who are active in their lives, in the community and in the church.

Young children, like this 8-year-old in the story, should not have unfettered access to the internet.

Pam’s kids love these kids too.

As a reminder, Pam is a proactive parent. She talks to her children about all things, including sexuality, sexting, etc. She has filters on her family’s technology as she has children of multiple ages and does not want them accessing inappropriate material in the home.

But she also knows that she has little control over what goes on in the homes of their friends or on the technology of her children’s friends.

The Story

She relayed the following story:

“Yesterday my youngest, who is merely 7 years old, was playing with some neighborhood kids in my side yard… One of them had a cell phone with her that has a plan and data so she can watch whatever she wants wherever she wants whenever she wants. I heard my child complaining about how she doesn’t have a phone and about how annoyed she is that our internet is completely locked down and they don’t get to surf the web…as she put it. The little girl who had the phone chimed in and said she gets to watch whatever she wants. That she found videos of people who kiss each other in their private places. I almost fell over”

Being in possession of emotion regulation skills, Pam did not freak out but made a mental note.

She now is going to head over to the neighbor’s house and let them know what she overheard. She is nervous about the conversation because she really likes all parties involved and she doesn’t want any hard feelings between anyone in the relationships.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

What Should You Do in this Situation?

What lessons do we learn here? Access to the internet should be age appropriate.

Young children, like this 8-year-old in the story, should not have unfettered access to the internet. It is simply not age appropriate.

Additionally, she should not have unfettered access to the internet without any parental discussion of what she might find. As the girl gets older, in conjunction with good discussions between parents and child, those restrictions can be lessened.

This story brings home what those of us in the field already know.

Young children are accidentally exposed to pornography. It happens. And it happens a lot.

When I teach, we use the statistic that the average age of first exposure to online pornography is 10. I also always use the proviso that this is old data so the age is likely younger, in this case 8.

This child did not intentionally look for pornography. She saw a video of something that she did not understand. She also did not talk to her parents about it. However, she knew that it was to be kept secret.

The Takeaway

PLEASE don’t be in denial.
Start talking to your children about this topic early in an age appropriate fashion.
Do not let their sex education begin with the accidental viewing of pornography.
Do not give young children unfiltered access to the internet. They are not developmentally ready yet!
Most of all, BE AWARE and TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Things 8 year olds say: I’ve seen videos of people kissing each other in their private parts first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Sexting in 8th Grade – Part II

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Tue, 27 Sep 2016 16:56:40 +0000

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Sexting in 8th Grade – Part I

Last week I shared the story of my long time friend’s experience with her child early in the school year: Her 5^th grader watching her 8^th grade friend sexting on the bus.

As you might imagine, the story does not end there.

After the initial conversation with her daughter, which went amazingly well because she talks to her children about the hard stuff, she is left with the question of “now what?”

The “now what” question is not about what to do with her own child, she will keep up the open communication with her.

The question is what to do with the information she now possesses: that this young girl is sending pictures of herself to boys in the school.

The Options for “Now What”

As we continued our conversation, we worked through the options.

My friend’s first option is to do nothing and not tell anyone about the behavior. This option did not sit well with my friend. She felt that if this was her child who was sexting on the bus, she would want to know so she can address the behavior.

The next option was to tell an administrator at the school that a child was sexting on the bus. This option also did not sit too well with my friend.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

In telling someone at the school, the girl would possibly end up getting in a lot of trouble. It also opened up the opportunity for a large scale “sexting scandal” like those we read about in the papers. My friend is not one to try to make chaos and drama, so a large scale investigation and possible scandal were out.

Option number three was to talk to the parents of the girl.

This sounds like a straight forward option, but in talking about this option, we realized it is not as straight forward as it seems. First, would the parents of the girl be able to hear the news of their child’s behavior without being defensive, in denial or reactionary? Though my friend knows the parents from the community, she does not know them well enough to gauge what type of reaction they will have to the news.

What outcome do we hope for?

The other concern in telling the parents, is that they will, inevitably, (we hope) address the sexting behavior with their child. It will be quite obvious to the girl where the news came from.

My friend feared for the ramifications this might have on her daughter. Would she be labeled a “snitch?” Would she be ostracized by this friend or by other kids at the school? Would there be a social consequence for her daughter for telling her parents what was happening on the bus?

Though, as adults, we might not think these are big concerns, they are huge concerns to a child in school, where the social environment is hugely important.

Add to this the fact that my friend’s daughter did not want her to tell the other girl’s parents out of her fear for any of the aforementioned possible consequences.

In the end, my friend decided that she is both a parent and a responsible person. She would want someone to tell her if her child was sexting.

She also has a real fear for what may happen to the young girl who is sexting and does not want her to experience any long term consequences from her behavior. She continues to talk to her own child about the entire experience. Luckily, her daughter is a pretty amazing kid (like her mom) and has already decided to distance herself from the friend because the friend’s behavior makes her uncomfortable.

I share these stories for several reasons.

First, real life accounts are often more powerful than book learning.

Second, I want you all to know that even if you talk to your kids proactively about cybersex, it doesn’t end there. There will be tricky landscapes to navigate throughout their school career.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Sexting in 8th Grade – Part II first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Sexting in 8th Grade

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 16:29:14 +0000

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

I have a dear friend who I have known since grade school. She is the mother of three children, the oldest being in 8^th grade.

Given my profession and her being an all-around fabulous mother, we tend to have conversations about sexuality, pornography, sexting and children.

I recently re-posted my blog on Child Pornography Prevention on social media. This was inspired by a local priest being arrested for possession of child pornography. From this, my friend and I had a great conversation I thought I would share (with her permission).

My prevention work focuses more on parents than it does on children. I want parents to start talking to their kids about sex and pornography. Parents tend to not do this. There are many reasons, mostly the fact that it is awkward and embarrassing.

“I used to think I was a good enough parent to protect her. I decided to educate her on how to protect herself as well. The education is never ending.”

Talking to Kids about Porn

“Talking to my oldest daughter about these things is… hard… for both of us. She’s 11. She uses the internet.”

My friend also employs all the tools she can to ensure her children are not unwittingly exposed to pornography online. She and her husband use parental controls but we all know sometimes this is not enough.

“We have parental controls. They don’t always work as they should. She goes to kids houses where there are computers, these kids have smart phones etc, not locked down AT ALL… because they have ‘good kids’ who wouldn’t bother to look at ‘that stuff.'”

As my friend points out, as a parent, you do what you can in your own home to avoid unwanted exposure to this content, but you don’t know what the parents of your child’s friends are doing.

Much of the exposure to pornography is via peers.

Just because your house is safe, doesn’t mean that someone else’s house is.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Building Trust

So my friend and her husband have taken the leap and had the uncomfortable conversations with their daughter about sex, cybersex, pornography, sexting and sexualization of others.

“We decided we had to go there. The conversation continues because we have opened a door and she now knows we are capable of having these conversations. Is it fun? No. Do I look forward to them? Sure… like I do a root canal… but they are imperative, as are these conversations.”

So what happens when you talk to your child often about sexuality?

It becomes more comfortable.

They learn that they can safely bring their concerns to you because the topic isn’t taboo and you won’t react badly.

They trust you with this information.

The end result of this trust was on display for my friend and her daughter just a few weeks into the school year. My friend’s daughter is in 8^th grade.

Results of Trust

“She has already talked to me THIS school year about her 8th grade friend on the bus sexting.”

Her daughter came to her this year with this concern because they had already talked about these issues. It was a topic that, though still uncomfortable for both of them, was an approachable topic. Her daughter has the knowledge to arm herself in the digital age and to make better choices for herself as she interacts online with her peers.

Education about sexuality and cybersex is imperative in today’s world. In my friend’s words:

“I used to think I was a good enough parent to protect her. I decided to educate her on how to protect herself as well. The education is never ending.”

Avoid Denial

My dear friend ended our conversation with this quote which is dear to my heart.

“Denial is a powerful bitch.”

I couldn’t agree with her more.

Many parents don’t think that their child would sext.

They don’t think that their child would look at pornography.

I implore you to not be in denial.

Sexting on the bus in 8^th grade is a reality. If your child is sexting or looking at online pornography, it is not a reflection of your parenting skills. It is a reflection of the age we live in.

Talk to your children, please.

Sexting in 8th Grade – Part II

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Sexting in 8th Grade first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.