If you are unfamiliar with the story of Gisele Pelicot, prepare yourself. It’s mind boggling.

I’ve followed this story since it first made it to the US news cycle from France.  

The Reader’s Digest Version is: Ms. Pelicot’s (ex) husband had been drugging her, assaulting her, and inviting other men into their home to assault her as well.

Even more astonishing is how she found out about her abuse. Her husband was arrested for a crime related to voyeurism. This led the authorities to find videos taken of the assaults of his unconscious wife.  

The story is abhorrent. The behavior is egregious. But Gisele Pelicot is a marvel.

The story first made world news because of the abuse she suffered.  She, however, changed the narrative and took her power back. 

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As professionals, our time is valuable. Dr. Weeks created the Mitigation Aide Research Archive because there isn’t enough focused, data-backed research available in easily digestible formats.

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Normally, in France, these trials are closed so no one from the public sees the evidence. This is normally done to protect the victims. Gisele Pelicot said no.  She opened the trial to the public.

She refused to carry the shame of her abusers.  

So, she sat there for the trial of an incomprehensible number of men. The videos of these men assaulting her were played in public. She made the abusers watch with her in the room. She refused to carry the shame and became an ICON and an inspiration to others who have been sexually abused.

When A Hymn to Life came out, I read it immediately. 

This is her story. 

How she came to learn of being the victim of such horrible abuse and what she went through during the time from discovery through the trial.

It is a beautiful book. 

I know how weird that sounds. How can a story about a woman’s journey through the most horrific experience be beautiful? 

It just is. 

It is real and raw and does not gloss over the emotional conflict of loving someone who perpetrates unimaginable harm to you.

Why I recommend A Hymn to Life by Gisele Pelicot

1. It is an inspiration to survivors of sexual abuse.
2. It is a brave and compelling story.
3. For the partners of my clients who have sexually offended, it is the only book I have ever read that articulates the struggle of coming to grips with your partner doing something so egregious that you knew nothing about.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses? Then you should stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

The post Gisele Pelicot: A Hymn to Life first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Maybe you’ve noticed that Google removed the popular “accountability” apps Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You from its Play store last week.

Maybe you haven’t, and that’s probably for the best.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

What are accountability apps?

These apps can filter undesirable content, such as pornography, and “other questionable material” from devices. More than just filtering, though, they offer to allow someone to be your accountability partner. They can send either immediate alerts or a digest of activity.

Having someone else hold you accountable in your efforts to be productive or curb a compulsive behavior sounds great, right?

Absolutely! If it’s done willingly.

Why were they removed?

And why is this article about Covenant Eyes on a blog about mental health?

During an investigation by Dhruv Mehrotra for Wired, it was discovered that the Android versions of these two apps used the accessibility features of Android devices. Accessibility features are intended to help those with hearing or vision impairments. Unfortunately, these apps used these features to monitor and report all device usage, even innocuous behavior.

That wouldn’t be an issue if your accountability partner is someone you have selected and trust, but therein lies the problem.

Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You have large outreach projects dedicated to getting churches to use the apps. In other words, to assist the churches in controlling and monitoring the behavior of parishioners under the guise of strict adherence to the church’s beliefs.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Consent versus Coercion

Threatening, pressuring, or strongly recommending, an individual consent to having their digital activities monitored is not consent.

More than just standard filtering and monitoring, Accountable2You also flags LGBTQIA+ content regardless of whether or not it is pornographic in nature. This is the “other questionable material” I referred to earlier. My issue is not that LGBTQIA+ material is blocked or flagged, but that any topic related to it is flagged in a similar fashion to hardcore pornography.

Pressuring people, vilifying them for whom they love, and monitoring all of their digital moves can create intense shame for the individuals being monitored. Particularly if they don’t conform to the heteronormative ideals of some religious organizations.

Shame encourages people to hide, withdraw, or turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms. Therefore, shame can make the initial behaviors worse. More about shame from Dr. Jen here and here.

Google has chosen to remove these apps from their store using violations of their technology policies because condemning them for violating users’ privacy rights is too political. Time will tell if Google steps up in favor of individual rights over appeasing a small but vocal and wealthy minority.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

What to do about Covenant Eyes after these revelations?

Broadly speaking, if you’re using an accountability app and you feel you were under duress when you selected your accountability partner, it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship and your continued use of the software.

If you still want to use one of these solutions on a non-Android platform, Windows, MacOS, or iOS, they are still available. You can still use them on Android because they can be “side-loaded” using instructions on the company websites.

If you would like a simple, straightforward filtering solution without the shame, check out BlockSite, for desktop and mobile devices.

For those of you who’d like accountability monitoring and filtering, I recommend EverAccountable, for desktop and mobile devices. EverAccountable also uses mental health friendly language in relation to how to handle slips and relapses.

An Important Note about Privacy

The Wired article referenced above also talked about third-parties having access to data from these apps. One, in particular, called Fortify was singled out because the company was cagey about revealing its third-party partners in its privacy policy and it sent the user’s password, along with other data, in plaintext to Facebook.

Transparency in a privacy policy is key and obfuscating passwords is Software Development 101. These kinds of mistakes call in to question the security of the entire app.

I did a quick read through of the privacy policies of both alternatives I mentioned above and saw no red flags, but I encourage you to read through them yourself.

• BlockSite privacy policy
• EverAccountable privacy policy

If you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, local to the Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania, and need support a great place to start is the Bradbury-Sullivan LGBT Community Center.

Need support and not local to the Lehigh Valley? Check out the LGBT National Help Center.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Why did Google Remove Covenant Eyes? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I remember, vaguely, the first time I saw Love, Sex & Eating the Bones. I may have been twelve or fourteen years old at the time.

The only memory I had was of the last scene where Michael cuddles next to Jasmine around a fire pit with pornography films engulfed in flames. Obviously, at the time I had no understanding about the film, other than a guy throwing porn tapes in a fire. 

New Eyes

Years later, I revisited this film with “new eyes” (which is going to be a theme here) and realized not only is it a film about porn addiction.

It is a film about black people with porn addiction.

Research with this specific population is non-existent. I think that this film is one of the most important, if not the only, film with people of color dealing with porn addiction. With the lack of research aside, I think this is a great film that needs more recognition for individuals in recovery.

I feel this film could be used to help others articulate their relatability to Michael and his issues. 

Synopsis of Love, Sex & Eating the Bones (Spoilers!)

The issues Michael encounters are similar for all individuals addicted to porn such as:

• Erectile dysfunction
• Having sexual attraction to your partner but not being able to perform due to sexual desensitization
• Performance anxiety
• Frustration
• Decrease of quality in relationship
• Guilt and shame

In the start of the film, we can see that Michael is a young man in his mid- to late-twenties. He is employed as a security guard. We also find out he is an aspiring photographer.

We see a collection of women’s pictures he taped to the wall at work like a generic teenager’s celebrity crushes.

This shows that he does objectify women to a degree. The wall of women serves as foreshadowing for the variety of porn that he consumes. 

Aside from the mundane security job, Michael seems to be struggling with finding love and motivation for his photography. But when he meets Jasmine, things take a turn for the better. After a few dates with Jasmine, they attempt to have sex and he could not get an erection.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

After they both become frustrated, Michael proposes to try to get an erection and have sex while porn is playing in the background.

The Low Point

This makes her uncomfortable and she then leaves Michael.

This is a common issue with some partners of porn addicts. They would have low self-esteem or personalize the fact that the addict can only have an erection by watching porn. This comes from a feeling that the addict is not stimulated or aroused by the partner. If the use of pornography continues the addict could form an intimate relationship/connection with pornography instead of the partner.

Such realizations could be devastating and sever the relationship. 

This was the moment when he realized that the porn is not “real.” It’s different from watching from the couch. Porn itself is just a fantasy and not a real human sexual connection.

Throughout the film we could see his addiction manifest itself as his favorite porn star.

She would come out of the screen while he would be watching porn or occupied with processing film. She would ask him to “spend time” with her.

Personification

This is an accurate representation of how a personification of the addiction would be.

Personification is a great tool that I use with my clients. I ask them to put the addict-self outside of themselves. I then explain how to make the addict-self a conduit to refuse the behaviors that the addict desires.

This could also be looked at as a personification of a trigger or urge being that voice in the mind triggering/urging the addict to act out or masturbate. 

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

The Turning Point

There is a scene where Michael wins a chance to record a porn scene with the same porn star. He, ironically, plays a security guard in the scene.

As she pins him against the desk and attempts to go down on him, the porn actress’s face suddenly warps into Jasmine’s. He panics, yells “cut!” and runs off the set.

This was the moment when he realized that the porn is not “real.” It’s different from watching from the couch. Porn itself is just a fantasy and not a real human sexual connection.

It also looked like he was experiencing performance anxiety and/or erectile dysfunction while on set. Similar to what he experienced with Jasmine. Perhaps, he had to think about Jasmine in order to get an erection and have sex with the porn star.  

After all the pornographic media he’s consumed, he decides, at that moment, to seek out an organic sexual connection/relationship that isn’t influenced by pornography.

The Conclusion

In the next scene, he’s siting in a chair talking to a counselor saying, “I just want my eyes back”. This was a great metaphor for reclaiming his vision for photography and his view of healthy relationships.

Michael and Jasmine end up getting back together after he professes his love for her and wants to commit.

Finally, we see them having sex and both climaxing at the same time as they ironically turn to the camera and say, “What are you looking at?” This showed the rewarding effects of rebuilding the intimacy and abstinence from pornography in order to facilitate a deeper intimate connection. 

As a therapist, I wish the rebuilding process for intimate connections was this fast but, in the real world, it takes time.

The Takeaway from Love, Sex & Eating the Bones

In therapy we would recommend abstinence from sex with the partner, in addition to abstinence from porn, for a significant amount of time. Typically anywhere from 30-90 days. This process helps reset dopamine levels and time to work on rebuilding the other intimacies of the relationship. This may be alien to our hypersexualized culture in which intimacy does not always mean sex.

Just to be clear: intimacy also refers to emotional, physical and mental connection.  

Originally appeared on EliIrving.blog on December 6, 2021

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Love, Sex & Eating the Bones (2003) Review first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I read Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts for several reasons: 

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The first is that we sometimes have individuals referred to us for potential sexual addiction who have intrusive sexual thoughts. Frequently these individuals are not dealing with a problematic sexual behavior, but intrusive sexual thoughts and we refer them out to a great area clinician who specializes in treating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Second, we do have a lot of clients who have some version of intrusive thoughts. So, I thought: the more I could learn about it, the better.

The subtitle of the book is A CBT based guide to getting over frightening, obsessive or disturbing thoughts. 

My initial assumption was that the book was going to more traditionally CBT focused, but I did not find it so. It reads more like a book that is advocating some level of mindfulness-based practice. 

This is perfect for me as we often use this in our practice. 

One helpful part of this book is how much it normalizes intrusive thoughts. Many people have thoughts that pop into their heads that are about violence, sexualized content or doing or engaging in what the author calls “disgusting” acts. 

Anytime we can work to reduce shame it is a great thing! 

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

The Six Steps to Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

I want to focus this review on the authors six steps to reduce distress over a thought. They are very mindfulness based and are also extremely applicable to dealing with urges and cravings in any type of addiction. 

The steps are: 

Recognize

The first step is to just recognize that an intrusive thought is just a thought. To adapt this to addiction recovery, a craving is just a craving. We can recognize it for what it is. That means we pause and label it. Thought. Craving, etc.

Just Thoughts

The next step is to remind oneself that it is just a thought or craving. 

Accept and Allow

From there we Accept and Allow the thought or craving. The author says that this means we actively allow the thoughts to be there. We don’t act on it, but we also do not need to give the thoughts or cravings attention. For example, someone in recovery might say to themselves, this is just a craving.

Float and Feel

The Float and Feel step requires perhaps a bit more explanation. The author says to float above the fray and allow the feelings to just stay there. This is described as an attitude of “non-active, non-urgent, non-effortful observation.” This is also called the Wise Mind. Float and Feel is to passively allow the thought or craving to be and not engage with it. 

Let Time Pass

Perhaps one of the hardest steps is to just let time pass. This is to learn to sit with the feelings that come up and not try to immediately do something to get rid of them. Recognize that a thought or a craving is just a false message from our brain. 

Proceed

The last step is to Proceed or just keep going. Continue with whatever it was that you were doing. 

Of course, as with most difficult things we need to change, this process is much easier said than done.  These steps take time to learn and even more time to master.  A good first step is to just be able to recognize a thought or a craving and label it for what it is. I am having a craving.  I am just going to try to sit with it as long as I can without judging it.  Thoughts and cravings pass.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Conclusion

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts is a nice primer to help individuals start to understand their intrusive thoughts. 

It also helps them come to understand if the thoughts are simply intrusive thoughts or indicative of something else, such as OCD, that might require professional help to master.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Book Review: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I was asked to teach the graduate human sexuality course last fall at the Moravian Theological Seminary. I was on the hunt for new books for the course and Sex, God & the Conservative Church:  Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy, by Tina Schermer Sellers, Ph.D. fit the bill. 

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Because this course was being taught at a seminary, I needed to at least touch on religion and sex. I found this book at the AASECT conference. 

Once I started to read the book I thought “WHERE HAS THIS BOOK BEEN ALL MY CLINICAL LIFE?”

Faith and Sex Addiction Treatment

As someone whose primary clinical practice involves issues related to sexuality (Sex addiction, sexual offending and other problematic sexual behavior), issues of faith are frequently brought into the treatment room.

It seems, that for many, faith and sex are intertwined. 

As someone who is not a Christian counselor, I didn’t always have the perspective or language to help some clients work through this as much as I could have. 

This book is an exceptional resource for clinicians, clients, or church groups!

Sex, God & the Conservative Church takes the reader first through a journey of the history of how sexuality and faith became derailed. 

Of particular interest to me, working with sexual addiction, was her discussion of Saint Augustine, who she labeled a sexually troubled soul. This is of interest to me as one of the main 12 step fellowship groups for sex addiction is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). This fellowship is an Augustine Fellowship, named after the saint.

“While Augustine offered much that was foundational in the formation of Christian Theology, sexual desire and his own desire for women, which he was never able to completely escape, tortured him until the end.  His legacy of shame, fear of the body, and suspicion of its desire is with us today” p 33-34

The author suggests that a great deal of the root of sexual shame that Christians struggle with is rooted in his teachings.  I find it ironic, or perhaps a bit upsetting, that one of the main 12 step fellowships for recovery from sexual addiction is rooted in sexual shame.

Once past the history, the book delves into tangible ways to help people heal from their sexual shame and pursue sex positive messages from God and a sex positive Gospel.  Dr. Schermer Sellers frames the healing of sexual shame in a four-step process which will be very helpful for all people who are struggling with sexual shame, not just those that identify as Christian.

1. Frame – provide sexual education to a client that they did not receive
2. Name – help the client get their story heard by someone important to them.
3. Claim – the client works to accept and own their body as a wonderful unique thing to undo the harmful messages inherited from religion and culture
4. Aim – help the client write a new story of what they believe and what their legacy is to become.

Another aspect of this book that I really enjoy is the authors emphasis on normalizing childhood sexuality and the need for real, accurate and frequent sexual education being taught to children.  When families do not talk about sex and sexuality to children, they often assume it is something to be kept secret.  Worse yet is when a parent or care giver overtly shames a child for expressing normal sexual behavior or curiosity.  This can create a go to thought process of sex being dirty and bad.  If I (the child) have a sexual thought or feeling, I must be bad. Those of us who do this work know that so much of the struggle is rooted in shame and secrets.  If we normalize and teach children about healthy sexuality we can erase the shame that is often at the core of sexual problems.  To again quote the author:

“A culture that shames children for normal sexual expression plants seeds that manifest themselves in adult life in the form of disturbances in relationship, libido, and sexuality.  Sexual shame can sever the experience of sensual pleasure in a deep, loving attachment because it eclipses the person’s ability to feel seen, known, loved and accepted with and through their sensual body.  “ p. 106

I don’t think I can express strongly enough how wonderful this book is.  It should be a required reading for anyone who works with clients who struggle with sexual issues, be they sex therapists, sex educators or sex addiction therapists.  One of my strongly held beliefs is that we have to be sex positive in our work and not perpetuate sexual shame in our clients (see previous writing on being a sex positive sex addiction therapist).  Learning to integrate a sex positive Gospel for those of the Christian faith will go a long way to reduce sexual shame and reduce problematic sexual behavior.

For more information on Dr. Jennifer Weeks and her practice, head over to Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.  

The post Book Review: Sex, God, and the Conservative Church first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

As a therapist, how do we determine whether a pornography problem is erotic conflict or an addiction?

When I started in this field, sex addiction was not a common term. Therapists who treated sex addiction were not that prevalent, therefore you never heard about sex addiction on the news. 

Today, it’s a different story. 

You hear the term sex addiction all the time, bandied about every time there’s a celebrity sex scandal. Therapists who treat sex addiction, whether specifically trained to do so or not, are much more common now too.

The same goes for pornography addiction.

For some reason, this feels less stigmatizing to many. There are now large numbers of therapists who treat pornography addiction. There are also many new programs popping up to help men deal with their pornography addictions. These programs are often not run by a therapist or affiliated with a 12-step program, but instead created and run by independent agents or religious institutions.

The Impact of Media Discussion of Addiction

As the visibility of pornography addiction grows, the type of clients we have coming to the office have changed. In the beginning, over 8 years ago, the (predominantly) men who were coming in to address problems with pornography were men who had struggled for most of their lives with pornography use. 

They were:

• Watching more than they wanted to
• Couldn’t stop
• Were experiencing serious repercussions in
  • Their work
  • Their relationships
  • The legal system 

I would diagnose these men as pornography or, more broadly, sex addicts.

The Changing Face of Sex and Pornography Addicts: The Pornography Problem

Today, many of the men who are coming in with self-diagnosed addictions are men who look at some pornography. 

They don’t:

• Look at it a lot; once or twice a week, sometimes less
• Look at it for hours and hours on end
• Look at anything illegal
• Often look at any pornography that is more “hardcore” 

Their pornography use is usually causing a conflict in their relationship. These are not men that I would diagnose with a pornography addiction, but they call themselves pornography addicts.

So, are these men who come in pornography addicts? Or are they men who are experiencing an erotic conflict?

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

What is an Erotic Conflict?

And how do we know what type of pornography problem it is

An erotic conflict is experienced by a person who is engaging in, or fantasizing about, a sexual behavior that conflicts with his or her moral values or religious values. 

For example, a person who is attracted to sex with the same sex might experience an erotic conflict because their religious beliefs tell them that same sex attraction is wrong. Therefore, their behavior conflicts with their religious beliefs. 

A person who uses escorts might be experiencing an erotic conflict because breaking the law is against their personal moral values. 

A man who is watching pornography occasionally, a few times a month, might feel as though he has a sexual addiction or pornography addiction because his religious beliefs tell him that lust and pornography are bad. Therefore, he equates any use of pornography with addiction.

What does the DSM-V say about the Pornography Problem?

There is no DSM-V definition of sexual addiction or pornography addiction but we can extrapolate the criteria from drug and alcohol and gambling addictions. These are all use disorders in the DSM-V. This means that someone who is a pornography addict would experience at least two of the following issues: 

• Watching pornography more often than they intended and for longer periods of time than intended
• An inability to stop watching pornography
• Spending a lot of time creating opportunities to watch pornography
• Craving pornography use
• Failure to fulfill obligations at work, home or school due to using pornography
• Continuing to use pornography even after interpersonal problems resulting from use
• Social isolation due to pornography use
• The need for more pornography or more intense pornography to get the same feeling and difficulties when they try to stop using pornography or can’t access it

Here is my plea to clinicians and to society as well:

Can we please be more discerning in diagnosing sexual and pornography addiction?

What happens when we over diagnose pornography addiction?

1. We never get to the underlying issue. If someone is actually experiencing an erotic conflict, they may never get to the root of the issue. They may work a 12-step abstinence model and therefore condemn any experiences of lust as bad or problematic. This can place moral good or bad judgements on sexual behavior, in other words more psychological harm if the client continues to engage in the behavior. It can shame the normal biological process of attraction by labeling it as lust. It may prevent the client from learning about healthy sexuality and what truly arouses and attracts them. Ultimately, they may never work through the conflict between their body and their beliefs to a healthy resolution.
2. We cause more shame. Though being a pornography addict is less shameful than it used to be, being named an addict will create very shameful thoughts for most people. This shame must be worked through when the person actually has an addiction. When the person is mislabeled, it can cause more shame and isolation than necessary. This adds to the “I’m a bad person” thoughts the pornography consumer might have for looking at pornography.
3. We trivialize sexual addiction. The therapeutic community and, often, the media hotly debate whether sexual or pornography addictions are “real.” The con side often uses the argument that those who support the idea of sexual addiction are religious conservatives who are condemning normal sexual practices. When someone with an erotic conflict, often based on religious beliefs, is diagnosed with an addiction, this reinforces the argument that we are trying to morally dictate sexual practices and label them addictions

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

The Takeaways

My goal here and in my practice is not to condemn or judge. We all have our own set of values that we would like to live by. 

My plea is that we, both clinicians and consumers, really look at the behavior: Is the client presenting in your office who uses pornography an addict or someone with an erotic conflict? The treatment is different.

If they have an erotic conflict, the work is to process through the beliefs, sexuality and the conflict to come to a resolution that fits the client’s moral and personal compass. 

If the client is an addict, the treatment will likely follow a more traditional addiction model with 12-step attendance, abstinence from certain behaviors and recovery work.

I leave you with my plea again: CAN WE PLEASE BE MORE DISCERNING IN DIAGNOSING SEXUAL AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION?

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Pornography Problem: Erotic Conflict or Addiction? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Anyone who has heard me lecture or has been a client of my practice knows how concerned I am about how our culture shames sex and sexuality.

The sex addicts I work with have such an enormous sense of shame about their addiction.

Their partners have their own sense of shame about being in a relationship with a sex addict.

Our culture shames sexuality… All. The. Time.

Media Portrayals

I have become more and more uncomfortable about how the media is handling the topic of pornography use among adolescents.

If you do a Google search about kids looking at pornography the predominant language is “caught.”

My hope is that when a parent discovers that his or her child has viewed online pornography, they do not view the incident as “caught,” but that they can understand that this is a normative behavior and talk to their child in that context.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

“’Caught’ your child looking at pornography?”

“What to do if you catch your child watching porn.”

Implied in the word “catch,” in this context, is the idea that someone is doing something wrong or deceptive. Some might say that I am being overly sensitive to the use of this word, but I don’t think that I am. Here’s why.

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

Creating Shame

When working with my sexually addicted clients, we always talk about what happened if anyone (mostly parents) ever found them looking at pornography or masturbating.

The language of “caught” always comes up:

• “Mom caught me masturbating.”
• “Dad caught me looking at pornography.”

The act of being “caught” produced shame and embarrassment in the majority of my clients. The next thing we always talk about is the reaction of the person who “caught” them.

Most of the time the “catcher” was reactive, said something negative or did not respond well. My clients frequently garnered one message from this interaction:

Sex is shameful and embarrassing.

It becomes internalized as: “There must be something wrong with me if I am engaging in this behavior.”

From that point on, shame has entered their sense of sexuality. If I am ashamed of something, I will keep it secret.

Shame and secrets are two of the hallmarks of sexual addiction.

In today’s digital world, if we “catch” a teen looking at pornography online, we are “catching” a normative behavior.

Viewing pornography for many adolescents is a part of their sexual exploration. Access and availability have made online pornography a venue for sexual exploration and sex education.

If we use shaming language with our children or shame them for engaging in something normative, we are fusing sex and shame together. This fusion has the potential to lead to trouble in the future.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Parents Can’t Just Look the Other Way

Just because online pornography viewing is a normative adolescent behavior does not mean that it is not without problems. It is not the best venue for sex education.

It is often in conflict with a family’s religious or moral beliefs. Frequent consumption can also alter beliefs about sex, objectification of women and ideas about consent.

My hope is that when a parent discovers that his or her child has viewed online pornography, they do not view the incident as “caught,” but that they can understand that this is a normative behavior and talk to their child in that context.

As a parent, you should discuss:

• How the behavior is, perhaps, in direct conflict with the family religious beliefs
• How pornography can distort ideas about healthy sexuality and connection
• Sex education in an open way

This can all be done in a manner that does not make the child feel wrong, sinful, dirty or perverted for having watched pornography.

The work of not shaming sexuality in teens is the work of the parents. This is prevention. Where there is no shame, there are no secrets.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Caught your kid looking at porn? How we shame children first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Last night one of my long term recovery groups began the first week of Brene Brown’s Connections curriculum; a 23-minute video of Brene discussing Shame, Empathy, and Vulnerability.

We have used her Shame Resilience work in our program for years.

Yet, I never cease to be amazed at the reactions to the initial video.

So, what came up in group?

“I’m ashamed to be a sex addict.”

“I would never tell anyone”

These gentlemen keenly feel the shame that is attached to sex addiction in our society.

One group member mentioned being a sex addict in an AA meeting and was quickly shut down, being told that “We don’t talk about that here.” Another group member told his story while in in-patient treatment for another addiction. He was courageous and vulnerable in the group and included his sex addiction in his story. 

He was met with lots of looks and questions afterwards. 

His act of bravery was met with judgment by other addicts.

As a clinician working with cross addiction with many clients who have multiple addictions, these reactions sadden me. 

Research states that up to 33% of clients with a substance dependence problem also meet the criteria for a sex addiction. There is no data of which I am aware that looks at other addictions such as gambling. 

If the recovery community maintains a hierarchy of “more acceptable” addictions, we are fostering shame and doing a disservice to recovery. As long as our society judges sex addiction so harshly, we make it harder for others to feel safe enough to seek help and recovery.

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

Thoughts on Blame and Accountability

In this introductory video, Brene explains that blame and accountability are mutually exclusive: If we blame others for hurting us, we are letting them off the hook and not holding them accountable. The suggestion that we should be vulnerable and share our feelings with the person who hurt us in order to hold them accountable was hard for the group to embrace.

“What good does it do to tell someone how I feel and try to set a boundary if they never respect it?“

I hear about this conundrum often in my work with clients. I continue to wish I had a great answer for these questions but I don’t.

“Why do we need to work on being open, honest and vulnerable? Is it for others or for us?“

I maintain that it is “all about us” in these moments. When we suppress feelings and hurts they can turn into resentments. All of the bottled up emotion often ends up coming out sideways. When it comes to addiction, this often means a slip or relapse.

Lessons from week one continue to show me that we need to continue to talk about sex addiction both to reduce the shame but also to reduce the societal stigma. 

Brene Brown cites a quote about change coming from a million individual acts. 

Last night we did not change the world’s perception about sex addiction, but for an hour and a half in time, a group of men felt courageous enough to share, be vulnerable and sit with each other’s darkness. 

These are the individual acts that leave me with hope for the future.

Get Brene Brown’s latest work on connection, Atlas of the Heart on Amazon.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Sex Addiction and Shame first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.