Love, Sex & Eating the Bones (2003) Review

I remember, vaguely, the first time I saw Love, Sex & Eating the Bones. I may have been twelve or fourteen years old at the time.

The only memory I had was of the last scene where Michael cuddles next to Jasmine around a fire pit with pornography films engulfed in flames. Obviously, at the time I had no understanding about the film, other than a guy throwing porn tapes in a fire. 

New Eyes

Years later, I revisited this film with “new eyes” (which is going to be a theme here) and realized not only is it a film about porn addiction.

It is a film about black people with porn addiction.

Research with this specific population is non-existent. I think that this film is one of the most important, if not the only, film with people of color dealing with porn addiction. With the lack of research aside, I think this is a great film that needs more recognition for individuals in recovery.

I feel this film could be used to help others articulate their relatability to Michael and his issues. 

Synopsis of Love, Sex & Eating the Bones (Spoilers!)

The issues Michael encounters are similar for all individuals addicted to porn such as:

• Erectile dysfunction
• Having sexual attraction to your partner but not being able to perform due to sexual desensitization
• Performance anxiety
• Frustration
• Decrease of quality in relationship
• Guilt and shame

In the start of the film, we can see that Michael is a young man in his mid- to late-twenties. He is employed as a security guard. We also find out he is an aspiring photographer.

We see a collection of women’s pictures he taped to the wall at work like a generic teenager’s celebrity crushes.

This shows that he does objectify women to a degree. The wall of women serves as foreshadowing for the variety of porn that he consumes. 

Aside from the mundane security job, Michael seems to be struggling with finding love and motivation for his photography. But when he meets Jasmine, things take a turn for the better. After a few dates with Jasmine, they attempt to have sex and he could not get an erection.

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After they both become frustrated, Michael proposes to try to get an erection and have sex while porn is playing in the background.

The Low Point

This makes her uncomfortable and she then leaves Michael.

This is a common issue with some partners of porn addicts. They would have low self-esteem or personalize the fact that the addict can only have an erection by watching porn. This comes from a feeling that the addict is not stimulated or aroused by the partner. If the use of pornography continues the addict could form an intimate relationship/connection with pornography instead of the partner.

Such realizations could be devastating and sever the relationship. 

This was the moment when he realized that the porn is not “real.” It’s different from watching from the couch. Porn itself is just a fantasy and not a real human sexual connection.

Throughout the film we could see his addiction manifest itself as his favorite porn star.

She would come out of the screen while he would be watching porn or occupied with processing film. She would ask him to “spend time” with her.

Personification

This is an accurate representation of how a personification of the addiction would be.

Personification is a great tool that I use with my clients. I ask them to put the addict-self outside of themselves. I then explain how to make the addict-self a conduit to refuse the behaviors that the addict desires.

This could also be looked at as a personification of a trigger or urge being that voice in the mind triggering/urging the addict to act out or masturbate. 

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The Turning Point

There is a scene where Michael wins a chance to record a porn scene with the same porn star. He, ironically, plays a security guard in the scene.

As she pins him against the desk and attempts to go down on him, the porn actress’s face suddenly warps into Jasmine’s. He panics, yells “cut!” and runs off the set.

This was the moment when he realized that the porn is not “real.” It’s different from watching from the couch. Porn itself is just a fantasy and not a real human sexual connection.

It also looked like he was experiencing performance anxiety and/or erectile dysfunction while on set. Similar to what he experienced with Jasmine. Perhaps, he had to think about Jasmine in order to get an erection and have sex with the porn star.  

After all the pornographic media he’s consumed, he decides, at that moment, to seek out an organic sexual connection/relationship that isn’t influenced by pornography.

The Conclusion

In the next scene, he’s siting in a chair talking to a counselor saying, “I just want my eyes back”. This was a great metaphor for reclaiming his vision for photography and his view of healthy relationships.

Michael and Jasmine end up getting back together after he professes his love for her and wants to commit.

Finally, we see them having sex and both climaxing at the same time as they ironically turn to the camera and say, “What are you looking at?” This showed the rewarding effects of rebuilding the intimacy and abstinence from pornography in order to facilitate a deeper intimate connection. 

As a therapist, I wish the rebuilding process for intimate connections was this fast but, in the real world, it takes time.

The Takeaway from Love, Sex & Eating the Bones

In therapy we would recommend abstinence from sex with the partner, in addition to abstinence from porn, for a significant amount of time. Typically anywhere from 30-90 days. This process helps reset dopamine levels and time to work on rebuilding the other intimacies of the relationship. This may be alien to our hypersexualized culture in which intimacy does not always mean sex.

Just to be clear: intimacy also refers to emotional, physical and mental connection.  

Originally appeared on TherapyInLit&Films on December 6, 2020

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

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