BDSM - Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings

Kink Communities: Beyond the Stereotypes

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Tue, 16 Dec 2025 13:00:00 +0000

A Major UK Study Reveals Some Surprising Facts About Kink Communities

Media portrayals of niche sexual interests like BDSM, pet play, and furries often lean into sensationalism, painting participants as psychologically deviant or driven by singular, extreme fetishes. These stereotypes, while dramatic, rarely reflect the lived experiences of people within these communities. This leaves a significant gap between public perception of kink communities and reality.

A recent scientific investigation, “A Survey of the United Kink-dom,” offers a rare, data-driven look into these worlds. Published in The Journal of Sex Research, this study surveyed 470 UK-based participants involved in five distinct interest groups:

BDSM
Age play
Pet play
Furries
Balloon fetishists

The research provides one of the most comprehensive datasets to date on the demographics, psychology, and behaviors of these communities.

This article distills the five most surprising and stereotype-busting findings from this rigorous research. By moving past the hype and focusing on the evidence, we can begin to build a more nuanced and accurate understanding of kink communities and their members.

1. Most People Are Into More Than One Thing

Contrary to the idea that people belong to distinct and separate fetish groups, the study found a very high degree of overlapping interests. The data shows that having a single, isolated interest is actually the exception, not the rule.

Only 19% of the 470 participants reported having just one of the five paraphilic interests investigated. The majority had two (37.8%) or three (31.5%).

This finding is significant because it suggests these interests are not isolated quirks. They are often part of a broader exploration of non-normative identity and sexuality. The researchers identified specific patterns of co-occurrence.

For instance, there was a strong link between pet play and furry interests. This makes sense due to their shared themes of animal personification. Similarly, BDSM, which is defined by power dynamics, showed significant overlap with pet play. This is another of the groups in the study that centrally involve power exchange roles.

Check out the latest research on fetishes and criminality:

Criminal Histories and Recidivism Rates for Juveniles Convicted of Child Pornography Possession

Read more articles about BDSM.

2. Kink Communities Deviate Sharply from Population Norms

When the researchers compared their sample to UK national statistics on sexual orientation and relationship styles, they found dramatic differences.

Across all five groups studied, participants reported significantly lower levels of heterosexual identity and much higher rates of gay/lesbian and bisexual identities than the general population.

For example, while 94.6% of the UK population identifies as heterosexual, the rate within the BDSM group was just 37.8%.

The study also found substantially higher rates of non-monogamy compared to population estimates. A 2.4% rate from a representative Canadian sample was used as a benchmark in the absence of equivalent UK data.

This finding supports a growing body of research suggesting these communities often function as welcoming spaces for individuals whose identities and relationship models are marginalized elsewhere. The study’s authors summarize the scale of this difference concisely:

Findings demonstrated groups differed significantly from population patterns of sexual orientation and relationship style, with effect sizes for these comparisons being large.

3. The “Psychopathic Dominant” is a Myth

A persistent and damaging stereotype suggests that individuals who enjoy dominant roles in BDSM must harbor “darker” personality traits. These traits inlcude:

Narcissism
Machiavellianism
Psychopathy

This idea pathologizes practitioners by linking consensual power exchange with antisocial characteristics.

The “United Kink-dom” study directly tested this hypothesis by measuring these “Dark Triad” traits across different BDSM role identities:

Dominant
Submissive
Switch (individuals who enjoy both roles)

The results were definitive: there were no significant differences in Dark Triad traits based on BDSM role.

People who identified with dominant roles did not score higher on measures of Machiavellianism, narcissism, or psychopathy than those in submissive or switch roles. This finding provides strong empirical evidence that debunks a harmful myth and supports previous research showing that BDSM practitioners generally have mental health profiles comparable to the general population.

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4. The Study Found Little Support for the Most Damaging Stereotypes in Kink Communities

The study carefully and sensitively investigated the most stigmatizing stereotypes the links between

Age play and pedophilia
Pet play/furries and zoophilia

The researchers’ goal was to see if these consensual adult role-playing activities were being used as a substitute for harmful, non-consensual interests.

The findings were more complex than a simple “myth-busted” headline would suggest.

For age play, the data showed that the vast majority of participants did not report any pedophilic arousal. However, a minority (14.1%) did report some level of arousal to pedophilic fantasy.

The researchers provide crucial context, noting that while their data “largely does not support stereotypes,” this rate of self-reported arousal is higher than the estimated prevalence of pedophilia in the general population (up to 5%).

A similar pattern emerged for pet play and furries within Kink Communities.

While most participants in these groups expressed “repulsion” to the idea of sex with animals, a minority reported some arousal to zoophilic fantasy (23.6% of pet players and 28.9% of furries).

Again, the researchers note that these rates are higher than the general population estimate for zoophilia (up to 8%).

For the overwhelming majority, consensual adult role-play is distinct from harmful acts, but the data reveals a nuanced reality that defies simple caricature.

5. Kink Can Be a Non-Sexual Identity

A common assumption is that participation in kink communities is always and exclusively about sexual gratification. However, the study’s data challenges this idea, revealing that for many, these interests are a multifaceted part of their identity that isn’t always tied to sex.

A significant minority of participants, particularly among pet players and furries, reported that they did not pair their interests with sexual acts.

Across the groups, “10–35% reported never pairing this with sex,” with furries (35.1%) and pet players (26.7%) being the most likely to engage non-sexually. Furthermore, when asked how much they viewed their interest as part of their “sexual orientation,” the study found a “bimodal distribution.”

This means participants tended to answer at the extremes: many saw it as absolutely central to their sexual identity, while many others saw it as not at all important.

This highlights that for a substantial portion of these communities, the appeal is not primarily sexual. Instead, it lies in social connection, psychological expression, and creative world-building – crystallized in practices like developing a detailed “fursona,” or animal character, which can be entirely separate from sexual gratification.

A More Complex Picture of Kink Communities

The “A Survey of the United Kink-dom” study provides a powerful, evidence-based counter-narrative to the prevailing stereotypes about kink communities.

The findings paint a picture of a world that is far more diverse, psychologically comparable to the general population, and less pathological than often portrayed.

It reveals communities that are highly interconnected, disproportionately queer and non-monogamous, and driven by a wide range of motivations that often extend well beyond sex.

This research underscores that the lived reality of people with non-normative sexual interests is more complex and far more human than caricature allows. As data replaces caricature, the central question is no longer if these communities are pathological, but how their complex networks of identity, creativity, and non-normative relationships challenge our broader cultural definitions of sexuality itself.

Be Part of the Kink Community Conversation

Do you participate in a kink community? How do you view kink communities? Drop a comment below and tell me about your non-explicit experiences!

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Kink Communities: Beyond the Stereotypes first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

What’s so Appealing About Being Spanked?

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Mon, 18 Mar 2024 12:00:00 +0000

In the psychological community, there is often an assumption that people who enjoy being spanked, and engage in other BDSM behaviors, are doing so based on some pathology. This stems from the lack of knowledge about BDSM that most therapists have.

Research by “kink aware” therapists is growing in this area to combat the stigma.

But Why Being Spanked, Specifically?

One question often posed is why do people enjoy BSDM behaviors, including spanking, flogging, restraint, and domination?

Labrecque and colleagues thought the best way to answer that question was to ask people in the lifestyle directly.

The authors analyzed survey responses posted on kink forums for these two questions.

In your opinion, what are the origins of your attraction to m/s (masochism and sadism)
Why are you practicing M/S?

Do you believe your sexual behaviors are compulsive or harmful to you or others? Then you should take the CSBD-19 free, validated self-assessment tool.

A Study on Sadism and Masochism

Here is what the respondents had to say.

The majority of M/S practitioners who answered the survey felt that their attraction to the behavior was intrinsic, meaning that the interest emerged at a young age and were not the result of an external experience.

Though many of these folks knew they had this attraction when they were young, it often took them to adulthood to accept the interest.

The percentage of those who felt that the origin of this M/S interest was extrinsic was much smaller (22%) with 11% of those individuals reporting that external event was childhood sexual abuse.

There were three main reasons given for why people engaged in M/S play.

Playing with interpersonal power. This was either through giving or exchanging power with someone else. In this, there is a large importance placed on trusting the play partner and consent.
Receiving physical pain. Many of these individuals enjoy the painful feeling for itself both in and outside of sexual contexts.
Altering state of consciousness. Many individuals enjoyed M/S play as a means to alter their mental state.

Check out the latest research on fetishes and criminality:

Criminal Histories and Recidivism Rates for Juveniles Convicted of Child Pornography Possession

Read more articles about BDSM.

How Should Therapists Respond to Their Clients’ Interest in Being Spanked?

The reasons for engaging in M/S behaviors are personal and individual to each practitioner.

Mental health professionals should not assume that interest in these behaviors is indicative of a mental health concern.

If the client brings up the behaviors, the best course of action is to investigate the meaning of the behavior to that person and why they enjoy it.

If the client doesn’t have a concern about their kinky behavior, we should not make it the focus of therapy, which sometimes happens due to a therapist’s own personal biases.

Reference: Frédérike Labrecque, Audrey Potz, Émilie Larouche & Christian C. Joyal (2021) What Is So Appealing About Being Spanked, Flogged, Dominated, or Restrained? Answers from Practitioners of Sexual Masochism/Submission, The Journal of Sex Research, 58:4, 409-423, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2020.1767025

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

The post What’s so Appealing About Being Spanked? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Is BDSM Healthy or a Deviant Fetish?

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Tue, 13 Jun 2023 12:00:00 +0000

A popular assumption about people who engage in BDSM is that there must be some kind of psychological pathology underlying their kink. After all, the DSM-V lists some paraphilias, though it now distinguishes between a paraphilia and paraphilic disorder. But, is BDSM healthy?

More on Paraphilia versus Paraphilic Disorder

A paraphilia refers to a specific sexual interest that deviates from the culturally normative. It involves intense and recurrent sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors that revolve around non-human objects, non-consenting individuals, or activities causing suffering or humiliation. Examples of paraphilias include exhibitionism, voyeurism, fetishism, sadism, masochism, and pedophilia.

A paraphilic disorder, as defined in the DSM-V, is characterized by distress, impairment, or harm to oneself or others due to the presence of a paraphilia. While the presence of a paraphilia alone does not necessarily indicate a disorder, when it causes significant distress or harm or interferes with a person’s ability to function in daily life, it may be classified as a paraphilic disorder.

The distinction between a paraphilia and a paraphilic disorder lies in the impact of the condition on an individual’s well-being and functioning. A paraphilia becomes a paraphilic disorder when it causes distress, impairs interpersonal relationships, creates a risk of harm to oneself or others, or results in an inability to control or limit the behavior associated with the paraphilia.

Check out the latest research on fetishes and criminality:

Criminal Histories and Recidivism Rates for Juveniles Convicted of Child Pornography Possession

Read more articles about BDSM.

The Study

A 2006 study by Connolly sought to address psychological functioning in BDSM practitioners in a rather thorough manner. The author recruited 132 BDSM practitioners from southern California to participate in the study.

The study asked them to answer a rather in depth battery of psychological assessments including the MMPI-2, MCMI, Beck Depression Inventory and many others. It assessed all manner of psychological issues, including trauma. The participants were also asked questions about their BDSM activities and preferred behaviors.

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

Did the study answer the question: Is BDSM Healthy?

The study found that across most psychological categories tested, BDSM participants scored similarly to the normative samples.

Depression
- The participants in this sample scored lower in depression than the normative sample
Anxiety
- The participants scored overall lower in anxiety than comparative groups
PTSD & Trauma
- PTSD scores on the MMPI-2 and MCMI – III were lower than the general population
Dissociation
- The participants scores were higher than the normative sample on the MDI scale
Sadism & Masochism
- The participants scored low on psychological sadism.
Personality
- The participants scored higher on narcissism than the norm and did not score higher than the norm on any other personality profiles.

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Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

So, Is BDSM Healthy?

The results indicated that the people in the study sample, BDSM practitioners from Southern California, were no different than the normative samples used on all of the assessment measures.

There was evidence for higher levels narcissism in the study population. There was also some evidence to suggest that this group had higher levels of narcissism than the normative sample as well. Additionally, the study participants did not have higher levels of trauma than the normative sample.

The authors conclude that there is “little support for the view that psychopathology underlies the behavior.”

Reference: Connolly, P. (2006). Psychological Functioning of Bondage/Domination/Sado-Masochism (BDSM) Practitioners. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, DOI: 10.1300/JO56v18n01_05

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Is BDSM Healthy or a Deviant Fetish? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Expanded: How To Recognize Violence versus BDSM

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Mon, 05 Jun 2023 17:27:39 +0000

Introduction

I’d like to expand on my previous post about recognizing domestic violence versus BDSM.

BDSM, is an acronym for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. It encompasses a range of consensual sexual activities that involve power dynamics and role-playing. However, it is crucial to differentiate between BDSM and violence, as the two concepts are often confused.

Some members of the BDSM community may engage in ‘impact play’ resulting in bruises which could be viewed as domestic violence. But a true BDSM relationship highlights consent, communication, and safety.

Consent as the Foundation

One of the fundamental principles of BDSM is informed and enthusiastic consent.

All participants must willingly and clearly agree to engage in specific activities before anything occurs.

Consent should be ongoing and can be revoked at any time. It is established through open and honest communication, negotiation of boundaries, and the establishment of safe words or signals to ensure the comfort and well-being of all parties involved.

Check out my previous post for more about understanding consent.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Communication and Negotiation is a Major Factor in Determining Violence Versus BDSM

Healthy BDSM relationships heavily rely on open and transparent communication.

Prior to engaging in any activities, partners must discuss their desires, boundaries, and limits.

In BDSM, communication is key, empowering participants to navigate their desires within established boundaries.

These discussions enable individuals to express their needs and establish clear expectations. Consent is negotiated through conversation, and all participants have an equal say in what is acceptable and enjoyable for them.

In contrast, violence lacks the communication and negotiation inherent in BDSM relationships.

Violence typically involves non-consensual actions that inflict harm or cause fear, leaving the victim without a voice or agency.

Safety and Risk-Awareness

Safety is of paramount importance in any BDSM relationship.

Participants are responsible for ensuring the physical and emotional well-being of themselves and their partners. This involves:

Understanding the risks associated with specific activities
Practicing proper technique and safety protocols
Regularly checking in on each other’s comfort levels

In a BDSM context, risk-awareness is crucial. Activities that may seem violent to an outsider can be enjoyed within a consensual, safe, and controlled environment.

Participants take precautions to minimize harm and employ safe practices such as:

Using specialized equipment
Employing proper restraint techniques
Having a clear understanding of emergency protocols

Power Dynamics and Trust

BDSM relationships explore power dynamics, with participants assuming dominant and submissive roles.

These roles are consensual and based on trust, respect, and the agreed-upon boundaries established through communication. The power exchange in BDSM is rooted in the desire to explore and fulfill fantasies and can enhance intimacy and connection between partners.

Violence, on the other hand, lacks the mutual consent, negotiation, and trust found in BDSM relationships. It involves inflicting harm without the consideration of the recipient’s well-being or desires.

The power dynamics in violence are often unbalanced, with one person exerting control over another without their consent.

Conclusion to Recognizing Violence Versus BDSM

It is crucial to differentiate between violence and a BDSM relationship to dispel misconceptions and promote understanding.

BDSM is a consensual practice centered around:

Trust
Communication
Mutual exploration of desires

Violence, however, involves non-consensual actions that cause harm and violate personal boundaries.

Consent, communication, safety, and power dynamics based on trust are the foundation of a healthy BDSM relationship.

By educating ourselves and others about the distinctions between BDSM and violence, we can foster a more inclusive and accepting society that respects and values diverse sexual expressions. Remember, consent and communication are the pillars of healthy relationships, regardless of the dynamics involved.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Expanded: How To Recognize Violence versus BDSM first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Not Sure Which it is? Healthy BDSM Relationships versus Violence?

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Wed, 31 May 2023 23:06:34 +0000

The following criteria can help identify a healthy BDSM relationships versus violence.

Check out the expanded version of this post here.

These criteria are taken from Jozifkova (2013) and Dunkley & Brotto (2020). I am simply sharing their work.

Whether the bottom partner experiences legitimate fear, indicative of abuse, versus feelings of safety, indicative of consensual BDSM.
All parties should feel comfortable using a safe word to rescind consent at any time.
Consent can be withdrawn and is respected by the ending of BDSM activities.
BDSM relationships can discriminate between BDSM activity and common everyday life.
In abusive relationships, it is common for the victim to be intentionally isolated from friends and family. This is distinctly different from a healthy BDSM dynamic.
Emotional volatility marked by periods of violence and reconciliation are common in abusive relationships. Healthy BDSM relationships do not exhibit such drastic emotional highs and lows.
A clear disparity in social hierarchy between partners not only in abusive BDSM relationships but also in some healthy BDSM relationships. The level of hierarchical disparity in day-to-day life is the distinguishing factor.
Mutual respect for one another, irrespective of power dynamics, is present in healthy BDSM relationships.
The ongoing negotiation and communication characteristic of healthy BDSM relationships are absent or disrespected in abusive relationships.

If you feel that your behavior or that of a loved one may be disruptive, please try one of my validated, anonymous assessments below.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

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Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Not Sure Which it is? Healthy BDSM Relationships versus Violence? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Pornography and BDSM: What Americans are Really Doing

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Wed, 20 Apr 2022 12:00:00 +0000

Image Courtesy BarkingLeather.com

There are many articles in the news and troves of internet articles relating to the pornography epidemic. But there are relatively few scientific studies to back up those assertions. And fewer still about pornography and BDSM.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

The Study

In an article published in 2020 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Herhenick and colleagues shared their findings from the 2016 National Survey of Pornography Use, Relationships and Sexual Socialization (NSPRSS).

This survey, taken by 2533 individuals, looked at sexual behaviors such as:

Dominant or submissive (target) sexual behavior
Age of 1^st pornography use
Prevalence of pornography use
The types of pornography content that was viewed

The subjects were nearly equally men and women varying in age from 18 to 60. The subjects were predominantly white, straight and married.

For instance, if children are accessing pornography in their early teens, it would be helpful if their sexual education involved some discussion of pornography.

Age of First Exposure to Pornography and BDSM

94% of the men in this study reported some use of pornography with an average age of first exposure to pornography of 13.8 years old. 87% of women in the survey reported pornography use with an average age of first exposure of 17.8 years old.

There were some differences based on gender as related to dominant and target behaviors. Women were more likely to report they experienced target behaviors, such as being called a slut, having a partner choke or spank them, than men. Women also reported being three times more likely to experience sexual pressure than men.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Pornography Preference by Gender

The survey also assessed gender differences in the types of pornography being viewed.

Men were significantly more likely than women to view pornography that included:

Facials
Gang bangs
Double penetration
Face fucking
BDSM
Simulated rape/pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts

Interestingly, the more pornography a person had viewed both in the year prior to the survey and in their lifetime was significantly associated with engaging in dominant and target behaviors in all survey participants.

Another Interesting Finding Relates to Consent

Both women (27%) and men who have sex with men (31%) reported they have had a male sexual partner attempt to have anal sex with them without prior discussion or permission.

This study, post the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, shows that pornography use and some sexual behaviors considered to be in the realm of BDSM by some are relatively common in a population representative of white, heterosexual Americans.

Check out the latest research on fetishes and criminality:

Criminal Histories and Recidivism Rates for Juveniles Convicted of Child Pornography Possession

Read more articles about BDSM.

Discussing “Real Sex” Versus Pornography and BDSM

This study has implications both for education and the concept of deviance. For instance, if children are accessing pornography in their early teens, it is important to discuss pornography during their sexual education. Particularly if a young person views the acts in pornography to be what non-porn sex actually looks like.

In the past, many sexual behaviors have been considered deviant that do not fit into the mainstream, heteronormative idea of acceptable sexual practices. Therefore, obtaining prevalence data about these behaviors can help to decrease the stigma around them.

It is difficult to call something, like spanking, deviant, because 45 to 76% of this study’s participants have done it.

Reference: Herbenick, D., Fu, T-C., Wright, P., Paul, B., Grados, R., Bauer, J. & Jones, R. (2020). Diverse sexual behaviors and pornography use: Findings from a nationally representative survey of Americans aged 18 to 60 years. Doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm2020.01.013

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

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Book Review: Tell Me What You Want

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 15:36:42 +0000

Earlier this year, Dr. Justin Lehmiller published his book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Dr. Lehmiller is a researcher and writer about human sexuality. I became familiar with his work from his blog, Sex and Psychology and use his textbook in my graduate Human Sexuality Course. I was excited to see him write something for the general public as his previous writings have been more academic.

Dr. Lehmiller wrote this book based on the results of a survey he conducted in which he asked more than 4,000 Americans over 350 questions about sexual fantasies. He also obtained information about sexual histories, psychological profiles and demographics. What emerged from the data is that Americans fantasize about sex a lot and many things that might not seem “normal” are quite normal after all.

When people come in to treatment for anything relating to sex, I always get questions about what is normal. How often do people have sex? How much porn viewing is normal? I have a fetish, does that mean I am not normal? For some reason, we are worried about our sexual appetites and arousal templates not being normal. I always answer that there is no such thing as normal but after reading this book, the “normal” that so many people assume about American sexuality is not terribly normal at all.

So, what are the top seven things Americans fantasize about? The number one sexual fantasy is about multi-partner sex. Coming in at number two is power, control and rough sex. Third is novelty, adventure and variety. Fourth is taboo or forbidden sex. Rounding out the bottom three are partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships, passion and romance and erotic flexibility (homoeroticisim and gender bending).

Instead of summarizing the entire book (go read it for all the juicy details), I’ll give you some fun facts. Men and women are different in how they fantasize. Interestingly, Dr. Lehmiller found that when women fantasize, they don’t really fantasize about a particular person but in their fantasies, women frequently see themselves as the object of desire. They are the focus of the fantasy, not the other person. Men, on the other hand, tend to be the actors in a fantasy, acting on an object of desire.

What do your politics say about your sexual fantasies? Well, if you are a Democrat, you are more likely to fantasize about things like intimacy, bonding and BDSM. The Republicans, on the other hand, were much more likely to fantasize about things that are a bit more taboo such as orgies, infidelity and swinging. Republicans were also more likely to fantasize about things like exhibitionism and voyeurism. Why you ask? Dr. Lehmiller suggest that we tend to want what those in positions of authority tell us we can’t have!!!

Dr. Lehmiller’s book is a helpful resource for both therapists and non-therapists alike. Many Americans deal with a great deal of sexual shame. They either have been told or believe that their sexual fantasies, desires or behavior are wrong, sinful, perverted etc. The fact is, the opposite is quite true. When we hold sexual shame, we tend to repress our true sexual feelings. This can cause problems in relationships but also in our own mental health.

I will end this short review with the following quote from the book:

“What all this tells us is that we need to stop judging whether sexual desires are healthy or unhealthy based only on how many people in the population have them. Instead, what we really need to do is look at sexual interests on a case by case basis and ask ourselves two questions that have nothing to do with how many people have them: (1) is this sexual activity consensual or non consensual? (2) does it pose an unacceptable risk of harm to one or more people that goes well beyond the usual risks of having sex?” p181

Dr. Lehmiller has a slightly different take on what I say frequently to my clients and students about sexual desires. I don’t care what it is as long as it is consensual and legal!

I encourage you to read Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. If nothing else, maybe it helps erase some sexual shame, which is something our culture needs more of!

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What BDSM Can Teach Us About Consent

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 14:51:59 +0000

Consent is a hot button topic today. The #metoo movement continues to grow and the supreme court nomination brought to light the suffering of many sexual abuse survivors. The general public is starting to realize that we do not teach consent to our children

Those of us who work in the fields of sexuality (sex therapists, sex offender therapists, sex addiction therapists) have long known that there is a lack of education about consent. We have moved from no means no to yes means yes but that still leaves a lot of grey area. For instance, what happens when yes turns into no?

To help learn more about consent, I turn to what some might think is a strange source, the Kink community. The BDSM community has a lot to teach the rest of us about the concept of consent.

While there are many aspects of the BDSM world, consent lies at the heart of these communities. Here’s how:

Negotiation:

Critical to the BDSM community is negotiation. People who are going to play (engage in BDSM) together spend a great deal of time ahead of time negotiating what will happen during the session. These discussions about the sex practices that will or will not be engaged in during the session are often extensive. Negotiations include what each participant’s limits are (what they will not engage in), what types of things they enjoy as well as the discussion of the safe word.

When two people engage in extensive negotiations before an interaction it removes the grey areas that can happen when there is not good communication. There is no room for miscommunication because it has all been talked about ahead of time.

Safe Word:

The safe word is the word that is agreed upon ahead of time which, when invoked, means the behavior that is currently happening ends immediately. This process of safe word shows that the BDSM community understands that consent is not a broad concept. Consent is an ongoing process that can be revoked at any time during an interaction. Just because someone says yes to something initially, it does not mean theywant the behavior to continue. Everyone’s experience of a sexual behavior is dependent on so many things. What they might have enjoyed engaging in during one session may not feel good in another based on many things, not limited to mood, stress level, partner and environment.

Aftercare:

Aftercare is a concept that is not often talked about in traditional sexual encounters. The BDSM community understands that these interactions can be emotionally and physically intense. Aftercare takes this into consideration and involves physical and emotional support for the parties involved. This can be physical, meaning food, water, etc. or emotional, such as cuddling, holding, stroking etc. When both parties engage in aftercare it demonstrates a mutuality in the interaction.

Traditional sexual interactions among the non-Kink community normally do not involve any of these processes. Traditionally, there is very little discussion about what behaviors are ok between two sexual partners. Safe words are hardly ever employed and frequently, in our hook up culture, the after-sex behavior lacks emotional and physical nurturance.

I will end this post with a quote I heard at this years ATSA conference. “We spend more time negotiating what we want on a pizza than we do negotiating sex.”

We have a lot to learn from the Kink community and if we employed some of their practices into our own sexual practices we would be having safer and more truly consensual sex.

Reference: “Unorthodox Rules”: The Instructive Potential of BDSM for Consent Law. Bennett, T (2018) Journal of Positive Sexuality, 4(1), 4-11.

Dr. Jennifer Weeks is the owner and director of Sexual Addiction Treatment Services. She is a clinician and expert witness working with sexual abuse, cybersex offenders and all types of problematic sexual behavior.

The post What BDSM Can Teach Us About Consent first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

It’s not all sex addiction: A clinical look at BDSM fetish

Dr. Jennifer Weeks — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 19:48:23 +0000

BDSM play. Hands in manacle

When I started working nearly exclusively in the sex addiction field, it was not very widely known and even less widely accepted.

Update: Pornography and BDSM: What Americans are Really Doing

Those 7 years have brought a great deal of recognition to the addiction. The increased attention to sex addiction is, in part, a great thing.

However, there is a down side as well.

The moniker sex addict now seems to be tossed around rather lightly. It’s used as an excuse for sexual behavior when celebrities are caught engaging in behind someone’s back. In my opinion, this is a detrimental development.

First, it minimizes the pain and suffering experienced by someone who truly has a sex addiction.

Secondly, it has the potential to demonize aspects of sexuality because they are “outside the box.”

Why we don’t just say “It’s Sex Addiction”

As a clinician, supervisor, and trainer, I try to emphasize the importance of correctly diagnosing a client’s behavior.

I do not throw the label sex addict around lightly.

I also understand there are things people do that are outside of the comfort zone of societal norms. This does not necessarily make a person a sex addict. I struggle with the idea that one can sometimes hear espoused that anything that is outside the norm of traditional heterosexual sex stereotypes is addiction. In this, and a series of writings to follow, I will take a look at behaviors that are often labeled addictive even when they may not be so.

Just because it may make someone uncomfortable, does not make it addictive.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Fetish and Kink Play versus Sex Addiction

The inspiration for this first article comes from my brother, Christopher Weeks, who is a professional photographer (http://black-cat-studios.tumblr.com/) in Tampa, Florida.

He recently posted photography work he had done at an event called Fetish Divine (www.fetishdivine.com). Fetish Divine is an organization that hosts pan-sexual play parties at a club in Tampa.

When my brother photographs these events (as an invited professional) he often gets complaints from others about the photographs being lewd or pornographic.

The famous Supreme Court opinion by Justice Potter Stewart on obscene material has been quoted by the masses for years:

“I know it when I see it.”

However, isn’t that dependent on the viewer?

This discussion with my brother started me thinking about how we view S&M in the sex addiction treatment community. There are some that would always categorize this type of behavior as addictive. The DSM-V (the diagnostic bible for mental health practitioners) places sadomasochism in the paraphilia section of disorders.

Sexual Masochism disorder is defined by a person:

For at least 6 months, obtaining recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the act of being humiliated, beaten, bound or otherwise made to suffer, as manifested by fantasies, urges or behaviors.

Sexual Sadism Disorder is defined by a person:

For at least 6 months, obtaining recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the physical or psychological suffering of another person, as manifested by fantasies, urges or behaviors.

The key to both of these diagnoses is the B section.

For Sexual Masochism, the fantasies, urges or behaviors must cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

For Sexual Sadism, the individual has to have acted on these urges with a non-consenting person, or the sexual urges or fantasies must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in the same categories listed above.

From a purely clinical point of view, engaging in BDSM only becomes an issue if it impairs a person’s functioning or if it is with a non-consensual partner.

Do you have a problem or just an interest?

From the perspective of Sexual Addiction (a diagnosis that does not exist in the DSM-V), we look at BDSM as behavioral categories or scales according to one instrument (the Sexual Dependency Inventory). This means that someone who is a sex addict may engage in behaviors involving pain exchange or humiliation and/or domination. In addiction treatment, as in the DSM criteria for SMD or SSD, we look at the effects of engaging in this behavior on the person:

Does it cause distress on any level?
Has the person ever tried to stop engaging in the behavior?
Do we see an escalation of the behavior in order to get the same feeling or high?

If the answer to these and similar questions is no, then we cannot unequivocally say that the person who is engaging in the BSDM is a sex addict.

Check out the latest research on fetishes and criminality:

Criminal Histories and Recidivism Rates for Juveniles Convicted of Child Pornography Possession

Read more articles about BDSM.

Does everyone consent?

When discussing any fetish with a client, I don’t approach it as right or wrong, or addictive or not. We try to frame the fetish with the question “is it healthy or not.” Is the engagement in the fetish consensual for all parties?

Consent is critical. Consent is different from coercion or compliance.

Learn more about consent, compliance, and coercion from Dr. Weeks.

If a person is consenting, they fully wish to participate in the behavior. They are not doing so because they are pressured by a partner or feel they are obligated to do so for some reason. If I engage in the behavior because I fear my partner will leave me, then this is not true consent.

Psychological Distress

Another aspect we look at when discussing fetishes is psychological distress.

Does engaging in the behavior cause any type of psychological distress to the person?
Is it creating strain on relationships?
Is it interrupting normal life functioning?
Does the person feel ashamed of the behavior they are engaging in or aroused by?

Again, if the answer to these questions is no, then it is not my place as a therapist to label the behavior as dysfunctional, addictive, or wrong.

Take Aways

As I move into my 8th^th year of working nearly exclusively with sexual addiction, I fear that our community, as well as the public, has a tendency to pathologize non-traditional sexuality. I also have a fear that well-meaning therapists will impose their own sexual beliefs and views onto others, particularly clients, and end up doing more harm to a person than good.

As therapists who deal with sex on a daily basis, it behooves us to know our own boundaries with sex but also be open to other forms of sexuality that others enjoy. Can we work to re-frame sexuality, sexual addiction, and “deviance,” moving away from right and wrong, good and bad to “is it healthy for you?”

If it is, then perhaps we don’t need to pathologize it. If it is not, then we can help our client to work through their issue.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

The post It’s not all sex addiction: A clinical look at BDSM fetish first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.