Pornography Problem: Erotic Conflict or Addiction?
As a therapist, how do we determine whether a pornography problem is erotic conflict or an addiction?
When I started in this field, sex addiction was not a common term. Therapists who treated sex addiction were not that prevalent, therefore you never heard about sex addiction on the news.
Today, it’s a different story.
You hear the term sex addiction all the time, bandied about every time there’s a celebrity sex scandal. Therapists who treat sex addiction, whether specifically trained to do so or not, are much more common now too.
The same goes for pornography addiction.
For some reason, this feels less stigmatizing to many. There are now large numbers of therapists who treat pornography addiction. There are also many new programs popping up to help men deal with their pornography addictions. These programs are often not run by a therapist or affiliated with a 12-step program, but instead created and run by independent agents or religious institutions.
The Impact of Media Discussion of Addiction
As the visibility of pornography addiction grows, the type of clients we have coming to the office have changed. In the beginning, over 8 years ago, the (predominantly) men who were coming in to address problems with pornography were men who had struggled for most of their lives with pornography use.
They were:
- Watching more than they wanted to
- Couldn’t stop
- Were experiencing serious repercussions in
- Their work
- Their relationships
- The legal system
I would diagnose these men as pornography or, more broadly, sex addicts.
The Changing Face of Sex and Pornography Addicts: The Pornography Problem
Today, many of the men who are coming in with self-diagnosed addictions are men who look at some pornography.
They don’t:
- Look at it a lot; once or twice a week, sometimes less
- Look at it for hours and hours on end
- Look at anything illegal
- Often look at any pornography that is more “hardcore”
Their pornography use is usually causing a conflict in their relationship. These are not men that I would diagnose with a pornography addiction, but they call themselves pornography addicts.
So, are these men who come in pornography addicts? Or are they men who are experiencing an erotic conflict?
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What is an Erotic Conflict?
And how do we know what type of pornography problem it is
An erotic conflict is experienced by a person who is engaging in, or fantasizing about, a sexual behavior that conflicts with his or her moral values or religious values.
For example, a person who is attracted to sex with the same sex might experience an erotic conflict because their religious beliefs tell them that same sex attraction is wrong. Therefore, their behavior conflicts with their religious beliefs.
A person who uses escorts might be experiencing an erotic conflict because breaking the law is against their personal moral values.
A man who is watching pornography occasionally, a few times a month, might feel as though he has a sexual addiction or pornography addiction because his religious beliefs tell him that lust and pornography are bad. Therefore, he equates any use of pornography with addiction.
What does the DSM-V say about the Pornography Problem?
There is no DSM-V definition of sexual addiction or pornography addiction but we can extrapolate the criteria from drug and alcohol and gambling addictions. These are all use disorders in the DSM-V. This means that someone who is a pornography addict would experience at least two of the following issues:
- Watching pornography more often than they intended and for longer periods of time than intended
- An inability to stop watching pornography
- Spending a lot of time creating opportunities to watch pornography
- Craving pornography use
- Failure to fulfill obligations at work, home or school due to using pornography
- Continuing to use pornography even after interpersonal problems resulting from use
- Social isolation due to pornography use
- The need for more pornography or more intense pornography to get the same feeling and difficulties when they try to stop using pornography or can’t access it
Here is my plea to clinicians and to society as well:
Can we please be more discerning in diagnosing sexual and pornography addiction?
What happens when we over diagnose pornography addiction?
- We never get to the underlying issue. If someone is actually experiencing an erotic conflict, they may never get to the root of the issue. They may work a 12-step abstinence model and therefore condemn any experiences of lust as bad or problematic. This can place moral good or bad judgements on sexual behavior, in other words more psychological harm if the client continues to engage in the behavior. It can shame the normal biological process of attraction by labeling it as lust. It may prevent the client from learning about healthy sexuality and what truly arouses and attracts them. Ultimately, they may never work through the conflict between their body and their beliefs to a healthy resolution.
- We cause more shame. Though being a pornography addict is less shameful than it used to be, being named an addict will create very shameful thoughts for most people. This shame must be worked through when the person actually has an addiction. When the person is mislabeled, it can cause more shame and isolation than necessary. This adds to the “I’m a bad person” thoughts the pornography consumer might have for looking at pornography.
- We trivialize sexual addiction. The therapeutic community and, often, the media hotly debate whether sexual or pornography addictions are “real.” The con side often uses the argument that those who support the idea of sexual addiction are religious conservatives who are condemning normal sexual practices. When someone with an erotic conflict, often based on religious beliefs, is diagnosed with an addiction, this reinforces the argument that we are trying to morally dictate sexual practices and label them addictions
Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.
The Takeaways
My goal here and in my practice is not to condemn or judge. We all have our own set of values that we would like to live by.
My plea is that we, both clinicians and consumers, really look at the behavior: Is the client presenting in your office who uses pornography an addict or someone with an erotic conflict? The treatment is different.
If they have an erotic conflict, the work is to process through the beliefs, sexuality and the conflict to come to a resolution that fits the client’s moral and personal compass.
If the client is an addict, the treatment will likely follow a more traditional addiction model with 12-step attendance, abstinence from certain behaviors and recovery work.
I leave you with my plea again: CAN WE PLEASE BE MORE DISCERNING IN DIAGNOSING SEXUAL AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION?
Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.
Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.
Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.
