Introduction

I’d like to expand on my previous post about recognizing domestic violence versus BDSM.

BDSM, is an acronym for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. It encompasses a range of consensual sexual activities that involve power dynamics and role-playing. However, it is crucial to differentiate between BDSM and violence, as the two concepts are often confused.

Some members of the BDSM community may engage in ‘impact play’ resulting in bruises which could be viewed as domestic violence. But a true BDSM relationship highlights consent, communication, and safety.

Consent as the Foundation

One of the fundamental principles of BDSM is informed and enthusiastic consent.

All participants must willingly and clearly agree to engage in specific activities before anything occurs.

Consent should be ongoing and can be revoked at any time. It is established through open and honest communication, negotiation of boundaries, and the establishment of safe words or signals to ensure the comfort and well-being of all parties involved.

Check out my previous post for more about understanding consent.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Communication and Negotiation is a Major Factor in Determining Violence Versus BDSM

Healthy BDSM relationships heavily rely on open and transparent communication.

Prior to engaging in any activities, partners must discuss their desires, boundaries, and limits.

In BDSM, communication is key, empowering participants to navigate their desires within established boundaries.

These discussions enable individuals to express their needs and establish clear expectations. Consent is negotiated through conversation, and all participants have an equal say in what is acceptable and enjoyable for them.

In contrast, violence lacks the communication and negotiation inherent in BDSM relationships.

Violence typically involves non-consensual actions that inflict harm or cause fear, leaving the victim without a voice or agency.

Safety and Risk-Awareness

Safety is of paramount importance in any BDSM relationship.

Participants are responsible for ensuring the physical and emotional well-being of themselves and their partners. This involves:

• Understanding the risks associated with specific activities
• Practicing proper technique and safety protocols
• Regularly checking in on each other’s comfort levels

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

In a BDSM context, risk-awareness is crucial. Activities that may seem violent to an outsider can be enjoyed within a consensual, safe, and controlled environment.

Participants take precautions to minimize harm and employ safe practices such as:

• Using specialized equipment
• Employing proper restraint techniques
• Having a clear understanding of emergency protocols

Power Dynamics and Trust

BDSM relationships explore power dynamics, with participants assuming dominant and submissive roles.

These roles are consensual and based on trust, respect, and the agreed-upon boundaries established through communication. The power exchange in BDSM is rooted in the desire to explore and fulfill fantasies and can enhance intimacy and connection between partners.

Violence, on the other hand, lacks the mutual consent, negotiation, and trust found in BDSM relationships. It involves inflicting harm without the consideration of the recipient’s well-being or desires.

The power dynamics in violence are often unbalanced, with one person exerting control over another without their consent.

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

Conclusion to Recognizing Violence Versus BDSM

It is crucial to differentiate between violence and a BDSM relationship to dispel misconceptions and promote understanding.

BDSM is a consensual practice centered around:

• Trust
• Communication
• Mutual exploration of desires

Violence, however, involves non-consensual actions that cause harm and violate personal boundaries.

Consent, communication, safety, and power dynamics based on trust are the foundation of a healthy BDSM relationship.

By educating ourselves and others about the distinctions between BDSM and violence, we can foster a more inclusive and accepting society that respects and values diverse sexual expressions. Remember, consent and communication are the pillars of healthy relationships, regardless of the dynamics involved.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Expanded: How To Recognize Violence versus BDSM first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

The following criteria can help identify a healthy BDSM relationships versus violence.

Check out the expanded version of this post here.

These criteria are taken from Jozifkova (2013) and Dunkley & Brotto (2020). I am simply sharing their work.

1. Whether the bottom partner experiences legitimate fear, indicative of abuse, versus feelings of safety, indicative of consensual BDSM.
2. All parties should feel comfortable using a safe word to rescind consent at any time.
3. Consent can be withdrawn and is respected by the ending of BDSM activities.
4. BDSM relationships can discriminate between BDSM activity and common everyday life.
5. In abusive relationships, it is common for the victim to be intentionally isolated from friends and family. This is distinctly different from a healthy BDSM dynamic.
6. Emotional volatility marked by periods of violence and reconciliation are common in abusive relationships. Healthy BDSM relationships do not exhibit such drastic emotional highs and lows.
7. A clear disparity in social hierarchy between partners not only in abusive BDSM relationships but also in some healthy BDSM relationships. The level of hierarchical disparity in day-to-day life is the distinguishing factor.
8. Mutual respect for one another, irrespective of power dynamics, is present in healthy BDSM relationships.
9. The ongoing negotiation and communication characteristic of healthy BDSM relationships are absent or disrespected in abusive relationships.

If you feel that your behavior or that of a loved one may be disruptive, please try one of my validated, anonymous assessments below.

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses? Then you should stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Not Sure Which it is? Healthy BDSM Relationships versus Violence? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Maybe you’ve noticed that Google removed the popular “accountability” apps Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You from its Play store last week.

Maybe you haven’t, and that’s probably for the best.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

What are accountability apps?

These apps can filter undesirable content, such as pornography, and “other questionable material” from devices. More than just filtering, though, they offer to allow someone to be your accountability partner. They can send either immediate alerts or a digest of activity.

Having someone else hold you accountable in your efforts to be productive or curb a compulsive behavior sounds great, right?

Absolutely! If it’s done willingly.

Why were they removed?

And why is this article about Covenant Eyes on a blog about mental health?

During an investigation by Dhruv Mehrotra for Wired, it was discovered that the Android versions of these two apps used the accessibility features of Android devices. Accessibility features are intended to help those with hearing or vision impairments. Unfortunately, these apps used these features to monitor and report all device usage, even innocuous behavior.

That wouldn’t be an issue if your accountability partner is someone you have selected and trust, but therein lies the problem.

Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You have large outreach projects dedicated to getting churches to use the apps. In other words, to assist the churches in controlling and monitoring the behavior of parishioners under the guise of strict adherence to the church’s beliefs.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Consent versus Coercion

Threatening, pressuring, or strongly recommending, an individual consent to having their digital activities monitored is not consent.

More than just standard filtering and monitoring, Accountable2You also flags LGBTQIA+ content regardless of whether or not it is pornographic in nature. This is the “other questionable material” I referred to earlier. My issue is not that LGBTQIA+ material is blocked or flagged, but that any topic related to it is flagged in a similar fashion to hardcore pornography.

Pressuring people, vilifying them for whom they love, and monitoring all of their digital moves can create intense shame for the individuals being monitored. Particularly if they don’t conform to the heteronormative ideals of some religious organizations.

Shame encourages people to hide, withdraw, or turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms. Therefore, shame can make the initial behaviors worse. More about shame from Dr. Jen here and here.

Google has chosen to remove these apps from their store using violations of their technology policies because condemning them for violating users’ privacy rights is too political. Time will tell if Google steps up in favor of individual rights over appeasing a small but vocal and wealthy minority.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

What to do about Covenant Eyes after these revelations?

Broadly speaking, if you’re using an accountability app and you feel you were under duress when you selected your accountability partner, it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship and your continued use of the software.

If you still want to use one of these solutions on a non-Android platform, Windows, MacOS, or iOS, they are still available. You can still use them on Android because they can be “side-loaded” using instructions on the company websites.

If you would like a simple, straightforward filtering solution without the shame, check out BlockSite, for desktop and mobile devices.

For those of you who’d like accountability monitoring and filtering, I recommend EverAccountable, for desktop and mobile devices. EverAccountable also uses mental health friendly language in relation to how to handle slips and relapses.

An Important Note about Privacy

The Wired article referenced above also talked about third-parties having access to data from these apps. One, in particular, called Fortify was singled out because the company was cagey about revealing its third-party partners in its privacy policy and it sent the user’s password, along with other data, in plaintext to Facebook.

Transparency in a privacy policy is key and obfuscating passwords is Software Development 101. These kinds of mistakes call in to question the security of the entire app.

I did a quick read through of the privacy policies of both alternatives I mentioned above and saw no red flags, but I encourage you to read through them yourself.

• BlockSite privacy policy
• EverAccountable privacy policy

If you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, local to the Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania, and need support a great place to start is the Bradbury-Sullivan LGBT Community Center.

Need support and not local to the Lehigh Valley? Check out the LGBT National Help Center.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Why did Google Remove Covenant Eyes? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Consent is a hot button topic today.  The #metoo movement continues to grow and the supreme court nomination brought to light the suffering of many sexual abuse survivors.  The general public is starting to realize that we do not teach consent to our children

Those of us who work in the fields of sexuality (sex therapists, sex offender therapists, sex addiction therapists) have long known that there is a lack of education about consent.  We have moved from no means no to yes means yes but that still leaves a lot of grey area.  For instance, what happens when yes turns into no?

To help learn more about consent, I turn to what some might think is a strange source, the Kink community.  The BDSM community has a lot to teach the rest of us about the concept of consent.

While there are many aspects of the BDSM world, consent lies at the heart of these communities.  Here’s how:

Negotiation:

Critical to the BDSM community is negotiation.  People who are going to play (engage in BDSM) together spend a great deal of time ahead of time negotiating what will happen during the session.  These discussions about the sex practices that will or will not be engaged in during the session are often extensive.  Negotiations include what each participant’s limits are (what they will not engage in), what types of things they enjoy as well as the discussion of the safe word.

When two people engage in extensive negotiations before an interaction it removes the grey areas that can happen when there is not good communication.  There is no room for miscommunication because it has all been talked about ahead of time.

Safe Word:

The safe word is the word that is agreed upon ahead of time which, when invoked, means the behavior that is currently happening ends immediately.  This process of safe word shows that the BDSM community understands that consent is not a broad concept.  Consent is an ongoing process that can be revoked at any time during an interaction. Just because someone says yes to something initially, it does not mean theywant the behavior to continue.  Everyone’s experience of a sexual behavior is dependent on so many things.  What they might have enjoyed engaging in during one session may not feel good in another based on many things, not limited to mood, stress level, partner and environment.

Aftercare:

Aftercare is a concept that is not often talked about in traditional sexual encounters.  The BDSM community understands that these interactions can be emotionally and physically intense.  Aftercare takes this into consideration and involves physical and emotional support for the parties involved.  This can be physical, meaning food, water, etc. or emotional, such as cuddling, holding, stroking etc.  When both parties engage in aftercare it demonstrates a mutuality in the interaction.

Traditional sexual interactions among the non-Kink community normally do not involve any of these processes.  Traditionally, there is very little discussion about what behaviors are ok between two sexual partners.  Safe words are hardly ever employed and frequently, in our hook up culture, the after-sex behavior lacks emotional and physical nurturance.

I will end this post with a quote I heard at this years ATSA conference.  “We spend more time negotiating what we want on a pizza than we do negotiating sex.”

We have a lot to learn from the Kink community and if we employed some of their practices into our own sexual practices we would be having safer and more truly consensual sex.

Reference:  “Unorthodox Rules”:  The Instructive Potential of BDSM for Consent Law.  Bennett, T (2018) Journal of Positive Sexuality, 4(1), 4-11.

Dr. Jennifer Weeks is the owner and director of Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.  She is a clinician and expert witness working with sexual abuse, cybersex offenders and all types of problematic sexual behavior.

The post What BDSM Can Teach Us About Consent first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

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The #MeToo movement has brought long overdue attention to the experiences of women who have been victims of sexual abuse and harassment. 

If you look behind the sensational headlines, the movement has sparked a much-needed conversation about consent. 

I have previously written about how we teach consent in our practice in a blog on the topic. 

#MeToo, combined with some recent research published in the Sexuality Research and Social Policy journal, can help us shed some light on how young women navigate sexuality and consent in the digital realm.

The Study

Dr. Sara Thomas’ recently published research study looked at how young women handled pressure to send them a nude or semi-nude photograph from a peer. 

The study analyzed stories from teenagers about their experiences of digital drama. She then identified three main dilemmas that young women experience in relation to sexual photographs:

• Interpersonal negotiations
• Consequences
• Self-concept

The study found that the biggest concern was the possibility of the image being spread without consent.

She then identified six different categories of behavior for how women were induced to send nude photographs:

• Desire
• Personal gain
• Asked
• Relational scripts
• Bombardment
• Coercion

One of the first dilemmas faced by a young woman is the decision of whether to send a photograph.

The Results

The study found that 2/3 of young women reported that they engaged in this ongoing struggle to decide if they should send a picture, to whom and when. 

When a woman decided to send a nude photograph, the motivations ranged from it being consensual to giving in to pressure or threats from the person asking for the picture.

The young women in this study knew that if they chose to send a nude picture there could be consequences. 

These consequences ranged from the picture being seen by people they did not want to see (mass distribution) to social ostracism, rumor spreading, legal consequences, emotional distress and getting in trouble with parents. 

The study found that the biggest concern was the possibility of the image being spread without consent.

Why do young women send nude or sexual photographs? 

In this study, only 8% of the young women sent the photograph because they wanted to. 

If they didn’t want to send the image, why did they?

Compliance

Findings show that many young women were sending nude images because they wanted to please the person asking for the image or because they wanted to avoid negative consequences from the young men that were asking for the images.

One of the troubling findings from the study was the tacit nature of the compliance by the young girls. The young women justified the compliance by saying that they liked the young man who was asking for the image.

“..compliance was frequently accompanied by an assertion they liked the young man who requested them.  These stories did not express coercion by the asker, but they also did not express a desire to send them. Rather the decision to send was a compliant ‘so I did’ to a male-initiated request for a photograph.”

Coercion

The majority of the women in the study experienced some form of coercion. 

The level of this coercion ranged from milder “If you loved me” statements from the young man requesting the image to more intense forms coercion. 

When a woman was unsure of sending an image, they reported feeling guilty that their partner questioned their love by not sending a nude image.

Many of the women had experiences of coercion that were more intense. The study found that some young men pressured, threatened, got angry or cut off contact with the young woman in order to try to obtain nude images. 

Some women also experienced threats of blackmail in the form of demands for more images. The blackmail threat was often that the images would be mass distributed. Those who experienced these situations didn’t feel like they had any options and that they had to send the images.

Can Young Women Refuse?

The answer to this is yes. 

In the study about 30% of the women refused to send a sexual image. 

As adults, we need to create an environment where our children feel safe to come to us with their challenging dilemmas and we need to react calmly and lovingly.

Of those 30%, 79% of those women faced consequences for not sending images. Partners would get angry. Relationships would end. 

Based on the consequences, several of the young women reported they ended up sending images to the young man who requested them. Only 12 women in this study refused to send nude images and did not experience any negative consequences for holding their boundary.

What does this study show us?

25 of 314 young women engaged in sexting with a partner because they truly wanted to, and the experiences were devoid of compliance or coercion. 

This means that most of these young women engaged in sexting that was truly without consent.  Their behavior was induced by compliance or coercion.

We, as parents, teachers, educators, need to do a better job at many things:

1. We need to teach all young people the true meaning of consent. 
2. We need to empower young women to say “no” to coercion and to feel strong enough to not feel the need to comply to an unwanted request. 
3. We need to give young women access to resources to help them make decisions about their sexuality.

The young women in this study did not seek adult help but turned to peers for advice. They often cited fearing an adults’ response as why they didn’t talk to parents or another adult in their life. 

As adults, we need to create an environment where our children feel safe to come to us with their challenging dilemmas and we need to react calmly and lovingly.

Reference: Thomas, Sara.  (2017) “What do I do?”: Young Women’s Reported Dilemmas with Nude Photographs. Sexuality Research and Social Policy.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post What Young Women’s Experiences with Sexting can tell us about Compliance, Coercion and Consent first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

I am writing to you today from the annual conference of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (ATSA). 

Each year, in addition to traditional talks, there are poster presentations. Today, Marion Desfachelles, a Ph.D. student at the University of Montreal, presented a poster on her research on girls and sexting.

Background on Canadian Laws

Canada’s laws regarding teenage sexting are different from the US.

In Canada, sexting is divided into two categories, Primary and Secondary. 

1. Primary sexting is defined as sending or receiving sexually explicit content in a private context.
2. Secondary sexting is defined as distributing the image or video to the public.

The Supreme Court of Canada ruled this year that to establish an intimate photo exception to the juvenile pornography laws. This exception allows “two youths, who engage in lawful sexual activity, to consensually record their own lawful sexual activity as long as that recording is made or possessed for their personal use.”

In the US, two minors in this situation would face criminal penalties.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Desfachelles’ Research

As most of the research on secondary sexting is focused on boys, Ms. Desfachelles wanted to look at how girls engage in primary or secondary sexting. To do this, she looked at the arrest records of 27 girls who were arrested or suspected to be involved in cases of juvenile pornography.

What did the study find? 

Girls are sometimes the primary sexter and the secondary victim, meaning a girl may have taken an image for a partner but it was then distributed outside the context of that relationship. Girls also distributed sexual imagery to others. 

An interesting finding was that the girls did acknowledge that sending these images would be hurtful to the victims, but the girls thought that the victims of the secondary sexting were responsible for the situation.

The study found three main motivations for secondary sexting:

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Learn more about Primary Prevention and its benefits in these articles:

• How to do Primary Prevention and More
• Help for Minor Attraction
• Research: CSAM on the Dark Web
• You Are Not a Monster: Review of a Long Dark Shadow
• Search: Primary Prevention on Dr. Jen’s Recovery Readings

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• The most common motivation was that of revenge or hurt.
• The other two motivations seen were goodwill and fun, meaning peer pressure. 

Boys continue to be most frequently the originators of the secondary sexting, but girls sometimes start the process and definitely participate in the secondary sexting.

We know that there is significant emotional damage to the victim of secondary sexting. 

Prevention campaigns often focus on not sexting at all. 

The author suggests that, as sexting is becoming a more normative behavior for teens, the prevention efforts be moved to focus on prevention of secondary sexting.

What can you do as a parent?

Help teens understand that they should keep something that was sent in the context of a relationship private. 

Teach teens about consent and that consent also applies to distribution of images sent with the expectation of privacy.

As always, parents should be talking to their children about sexting. 

We also need to expand our discussions about how, if their child does engage in sexting, they can do so in a safe and respectful manner and to understand the risks involved in sending an explicit image to another person.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Girls and Sexting first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

I engaged in prevention and education work as a direct result of working as a forensic psychologist in the field of sexual addiction and sexual offending. Despite my efforts and the efforts of many others more well-known than myself, we continue to see an increase in cybersex issues with teens.

This month, I have had several new forensic cases involving teens and dating apps. These new cases involved adult men who were found to be having sexual contact with minors that were met via the adult dating app Grindr.

Let’s Talk About Dating Apps

The most well-known adult dating apps are Tinder and Grindr.

Tinder is used more for those who are attracted to the opposite sex and Grindr is targeted at the gay male audience.

Other names you need to know: Jack’d, Scruff, Adam 4 Adam, Growlr, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid.

Why do you need to know about these apps?

Because under age teens are on these apps, using them and meeting with adults for sexual encounter.

Any and all of these apps are for people over the age of 18.

They specifically state that users cannot be under 18 (or 21 in some places). They’re for adults.

The problem is that often all you must do is enter a birth date or check a box that affirms you are at least 18 years of age and there is no age verification. Anyone under the age of 18 can do the math and figure out what birth year they need to enter to comply.

If someone mutually swipes and connects with your child, they will text or chat to see if they are compatible and arrange a hook up or meeting.

Sometimes, during these chats, the child may disclose that they are under the age of 18. Many times, they do not.

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

Tell Me More

There are two ways your child could end up having sex with an adult via an adult dating app:

1. They could be targeted by an adult who is specifically seeking a young or young-looking man or woman on the app.

There is an assumption that all on the app are of legal age.

During the chat, the child could disclose that they are underage.

Obviously, at this point, the right thing for anyone to do is to discontinue the conversation with the minor and NOT meet them, connect with them and surely not have sex with them.

However, some people will ignore what is right or legal and hook up with the minor for sex.

In this case, the person meeting the minor has full knowledge that they are underage when they are hooking up with them and knows this is illegal.

2. A child could go on an adult dating app and create a profile that says they are at least 18 years old.

They could interact with men or women online and meet up with them for sexual encounters.

The child could never disclose that they are a minor to the person they are meeting for sex.

What can you do as a parent?

• Talk to your child.
  • Talk to them about dating apps, hook up apps and any social networking apps. Ask what they use and how they use it. Ask if they are on the sites. Discuss with them the inappropriateness of being a minor and being on an adult dating site. I have had clients tell me they were on these apps when they were as young as 13 years old.
• If necessary, block your child’s access to these sites.
  • I am not usually a fan of blocking sites completely, but in these cases, where there are such serious risks, I say, block your child’s access until they are the legal age to use the apps.
• Be open to your child’s curiosity about sex and sexuality.
  • Many of these issues occur on same sex dating sites. This is likely because adolescent men are exploring their sexuality and may not be out, feel safe doing so in their school or social network and/or have no one to talk to about their questions and feelings. Be that safe person for your child to talk to and help them find appropriate resources to answer their questions.

What can you do if you use a dating site?

• If you find out someone you are talking to is under 18:
  • Stop talking to them IMMEDIATELY.
  • Report the profile per the app’s instructions.
  • DO NOT MEET THE UNDERAGE USER.
• If you think someone is younger than 18:
  • Ask for some form of ID to verify their age. Ask for a driver’s license. Yes, someone can get a fake ID if they are underage, but you need to do this to protect yourself and not make a life altering bad decision.

Do you believe your sexual behaviors are compulsive or harmful to you or others? Then you should take the CSBD-19 free, validated self-assessment tool.

Are the app makers responsible?

Do the developers face consequences when a minor is preyed upon or has a sexual encounter with an adult?

The answer to this is, NO. They do not.

This has been challenged in court and the apps have won, meaning that the stated age requirements and acknowledgment of the user of the rules removes them from any liability in these cases. I would urge the makers of these apps to do more to try to remove under age users from their platforms.

As always, the key to prevention is awareness and communication. Talk to your child!

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

If you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, local to the Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania, and need support a great place to start is the Bradbury-Sullivan LGBT Community Center.

Need support and not local to the Lehigh Valley? Check out the LGBT National Help Center.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

The post Parents – Get Your Kids off Adult Dating Apps first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

The Center for Healthy Sex has posted the Webinar in full on their YouTube channel.

Please follow the link to watch the full webinar.

The post Sex Ed by Porn – Full Webinar first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Join me this Friday for a free one hour webinar hosted by The Center for Healthy Sex at 12:00 pm (PT) to talk about the effects of cybersex and sexting on children.

Click here to see the event details  http://centerforhealthysex.com/sex-therapy-resources/upcoming-events/

You can also check out my book on the topic:  The New Age of Sex Education:  How to Talk to your Teen about Cybersex and Pornography in the Digital Age.  

The post Sex Ed by Porn: Free Webinar Friday first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

My last post detailed research presented last year by Dr. Wisniewski . Today’s post will highlight research she presented just a week or two ago, the end of February, at the CSCW conference. Dr. Wisniewski and her colleagues continue to generate wonderful research that has real time applicability to parenting in the digital age.

Very little is known from the research community about whether teens actually communicate the risk they experience online with parents. Each parent may have their own thoughts about their own child’s exposure to risk and communication of that exposure but there is no way to really know the truth.

In the research presented last week, Dr. Wisniewski had 68 teen-parent pairs fill out weekly online diaries that cataloged the risks the teen experience online, whether the teen intended the risk to occur and how they felt about the incident. The parents were also asked to log incidents of risk that child came to them to disclose the risk encounter. The researchers then looked to see how many “matched” reports existed. A matched report was a risk diary entry made both by the parent and the teen.

First, let’s talk about risk. What types of risk does a teen face online? For the sake of this research, the risks were broken down into four categories. 1) information breaches – these are situations in which a teens personal information or photo is being used or shared online without their permission. 2) Online Harassment – This is cyberbullying or negative online interactions that make the teen feel unsafe, threatened or embarrassed. 3) Sexual Solicitations – these are sexting or requests for sexual content that can come from friends, acquaintances or strangers. 4) Exposure to Explicit Content is either voluntary or accidental viewing of pornography or violent content online.

So, what did the researchers find? Well, in a nutshell, not much matching. They found that only 15% of risk reports were matched, meaning that most of the time, parents and teens were very out of synch on what they considered risk or what they reported.

Parents reported much less risk than their children did. Many teens did not share exposure to explicit content or information breaches with their parents. These tend to be viewed as low risk by teens and it is hypothesized that therefore the information is not shared with parents. While parents tended to report low risk issues, teens reported more medium level risks.

Another interesting finding from the study involves what the researchers called Risk Agency. Basically, this looked at whether anyone was “at fault.” Was a risk accidental or intentional? Teens more frequently shared that risk exposure was accidental and parents tended to assume that their children were either victims or intended to engage in risk. Parents tended to assume that things that were accidentally viewed by their children were intentional.

In my work with parents, I often stress communication. This study also looked at parent teen communication. In most cases, teens did NOT tell their parents about risk they experienced online. The bigger problem is that the parents THOUGHT that their teens were talking to them when they were not. When teens did talk to parents, it was to ask them for help or when they were shocked by content they had seen. Another main reason why teens did not tell parents about risk exposure was the fear that the parent would react negatively. They didn’t want to be punished for things that were not their fault. Teens also did not want to hear a lecture from their parents that involved reprimand. Teens tended to find the reactions of parents: grounding, taking away phones, disallowing social media, etc. to be too harsh.

What are the practical take aways from this study? First, teens only tell their parents about 28% of the risk they encounter online. Parents under estimate risk and over estimate how much their child tells them. Teens tend to think many online risk situations are “no big deal.” Teens also find parents as lecturing, reactive and judgmental about risk they do share.

The study and clinical practice suggest that parents need to work hard to improve their communication with their teen about online activity, risk and resilience. If a parent can share discussions with their child about how to manage online risk before it happens in a nonjudgmental, non-lecturing manner, they will likely increase the chances of their teen talking to them about their online experiences. If parents want to know what is going on in their teens online world, they need to specifically ask what is going on and not assume that their child will tell them.

For more information on Dr. Weeks please see our company website. You can find The New Age of Sex Education: How to talk to your teen about cybersex and pornography in the digital age on amazon.

The post Do you think your teen talks to you about online risk? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.