I admit that I am a sucker for any book on boundaries. Nearly all of our clients struggle with boundaries in their relationships, so I am always on the hunt for another resource that may speak to my clients. 

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The other day, while perusing the shelves at Barnes and Noble, I came across this little book titled Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. 

It felt like she marketed it just to me! 

The Author

Being a digital immigrant, I’m not up on all of the therapists who qualify as Instagram influencers.

Apparently, the author, is. 

With that information in hand, after I had purchased the book, I did my best read it with an open mind. I was not sure what I was going to get because, for some reason, an Instagram Influencer therapist had a negative connotation for me.

I was very pleasantly surprised.

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

This is a lovely little Book on Boundaries!

While you are not going to find any earth shattering insights into boundaries, you are going to find the information about boundaries shared in a very down to earth and relatable way. Set Boundaries… is written for everyone and avoids the typical therapy/self help trappings of pretense or intellectualism.  

Particularly helpful for my clients was the information provided in chapter 8 which talks about trauma and boundaries. 

With very tangible examples, Ms. Tawwab provides examples of physical, sexual and emotional boundaries. 

She then goes on to discuss how those boundary violations in trauma can lead to different attachment styles, again, with great real life examples of the behaviors that come from, say, an anxious attachment. The part of this chapter I found myself sharing with clients, before I even finished the book, was about self care.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

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Self Care

We hear the term self care tossed around a lot. What is self care, really? 

It is more than just taking some time for yourself to do some yoga, take a walk or have a cup of tea; all of which are super hard if you have a trauma history.

Here are a few of my favorite of her examples of self care:

• Spending holidays doing things that you enjoy, instead of being guilted into something you hate by family
• Checking in less often with people who drain your energy
• Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and teaching yourself things you weren’t taught in childhood

While the list is much longer, these are the examples that resonate with my clients most.

Beyond her relatable text and excellent examples, Ms. Tawwab also provides exercises or reflection questions at the end of each chapter for the reader to write about and reflect on.

Conclusion

So, yes, this is another book about boundaries. 

But it is a good little book about boundaries that is both very readable and relatable. Even while writing this, I’m thinking about buying the book in bulk to have in the office to give to clients and staff.

Buy Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab on Amazon.

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I have long been a fan of Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages book. I have suggested the book to client’s countless times. When I saw that he and Jennifer Thomas had written The 5 Apology Languages, I was eager to read it and see if it might be just as helpful to clients as 5 Love Languages.

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The concepts of apology, forgiveness and amends are constantly being talked about in the walls of our offices. 

Whether our clients have engaged in problematic sexual behavior or committed a sexual offense, these behaviors always come with collateral damage. Spouses, partners, wives, families, children, and even co-workers or employers can all become primary or secondary victims to Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB). 

We talk a lot about making amends, rebuilding trust and the struggle that partner’s often having to forgive the person with PSB and to move through their betrayal trauma. 

My Review

Let me start out by saying that I love this little book. 

After I read it the other day, I wanted to buy it in bulk and give it to most of our clients!  I think it can be truly very helpful in healing relationships.

“Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision.  It is the decision to continue to grow in the relationship by removing the barrier.”

Let’s first recap the 5 Languages of Love. For those who have not read the work, the love languages are:

• Physical Touch
• Acts of Service
• Words of Affirmation
• Gift Giving
• Quality Time

We all have a language (or two) that we express our love it and that we feel loved by. 

The same is true for apologies. 

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

The 5 Apology Languages

• Expressing Regret
• Accepting Responsibility
• Making Restitution
• Planned Change
• Requesting Forgiveness

Someone whose apology language is expressing regret needs to hear the person who hurt them say that they are very sorry, and they regret their actions. 

The apology language of accepting responsibility requires that the person who did the wrong actually say that they were wrong and take responsibility for the hurt or harm they caused. 

Making restitution requires that the person who committed the hurt ask how they can make the hurt right. What can they do to make up for it? 

The language of planned change requires that the person who committed the hurt acknowledge their wrong and also provide a plan for how they are either going to change their behavior or work to not commit the wrong again. 

The final language, requesting forgiveness, requires that the person who did the hurting actually ask if the person they hurt can forgive them. The hurt person requires that request. Obviously, we can all have more than one apology language and the best apologies actually combine a number of the languages at the same time. 

Another lovely addition to this book is that there are several chapters on forgiveness. Both about choosing to accept forgiveness if someone hurt you and also a chapter on forgiving yourself. 

The authors state that forgiveness is a choice. It is defined as “a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).” One of my favorite lines in the book about forgiveness is “Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision.  It is the decision to continue to grow in the relationship by removing the barrier.”

Conclusions

After reading this little book, I could not help thinking about how many of the struggles that we hear about in relationships in recovery come from partners not talking each other’s apology language. I often hear from individuals with PSB that they have said they are sorry a million times and they don’t know what else they can do, and they do not understand why their partner continues to express anger and continue to bring up the indiscretions. 

Perhaps the answer is that they do not know their partner’s apology language and their heartfelt attempts to apologize and ask for forgiveness have not actually been the type of apology their partner needed to hear. 

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Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

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The post Book Review: The 5 Apology Languages first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality & the Law is a great introduction to how individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are affected by sexuality exploration, sexual offenses and the ramifications of therapists practicing outside of their scope.

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In addition, the need for proper guidance and education for the use of pornography. Nick Dubin is the individual that had the unfortunate experience with misguided exploration of his sexuality. Throughout the book, he details his struggles with ASD and how he maneuvered throughout life with unasked questioned about himself, ASD and his sexuality.

Since the inception of his awareness regarding his sexuality, he never knew how to articulate it until he was an adult. Even though from a developmental standpoint, he was younger.

One concept to understand is fixation. When it comes to fixation, individuals with ASD become hypervigilant or obsessed with a subject they are interested in.

The part that lead him to his demise was when he was seeing two therapists. One that specialized in ASD and another was assisting him with sexuality exploration.

Nick was just getting his feet wet with exploring whether he was a homosexual or not.

The therapist that didn’t specialize with ASD, told Nick to look into pornography.

This was the slope. We do not know what was told to Nick during the session(s) but as Nick was diving into pornography, he started to look at pornography online then Nick ended up looking at child pornography. This lead to his arrest.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

My Viewpoint on The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality & the Law

From my experience, working with individuals on the spectrum that have committed sexual offenses. One concept to understand is fixation. When it comes to fixation, individuals with ASD become hypervigilant or obsessed with a subject they are interested in.

For example, if Nick was interested in dinosaurs, he would constantly research, watch movies and documentaries about dinosaurs for hours. Nick became fixated on the pornography that he was looking at and fell down the rabbit hole of random site clicking. This is a recipe for disaster.

With random site clicking, an individual could be clicking on unpopular or fringe sites without realizing it, which have a risk of displaying unregulated (not even sure if regulated sites are really regulated) content that could be considered child sexual abuse media.

After Nick committed these crimes, he proceeded with therapy and other legal stipulations.

He has written this book which is very insightful that describes not only life with ASD but also what happens when some people with ASD encounter pornography without understanding what it really is and how to utilize pornography safely.

I have recommended this book to the parents of my clients with ASD that have committed sexual offenses or problematic sexual behaviors.

Who is this book for?

This is a book that should be read to educate lawyers, mental health professionals and other individuals that want to further understand ASD. This book can also be used to exemplify how important psychosexual education is for everyone.

This issue shows that education is needed regarding the use of pornography.

We all know that pornography is out there, but we also know that child sexual abuse media is also and seeps it’s way through some of the popular and unpopular search engines. The more we could inform people on healthy portrayal of sexuality in pornography and general use of pornography, hopefully this could decrease these misguided usages of pornography and unintended viewing of child abuse media.

Originally appeared on TherapyInLit&Films on April 19, 2022

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Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

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As a member of the professional community that works with Minor Attracted Persons as well as individuals who have committed sex crimes, I was immediately aware of the controversy surrounding Dr. Allyn Walker and the publication of their book A Long Dark Shadow:  Minor-Attracted People and Their Pursuit of Dignity. 

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Dr. Walker is a professor and researcher who focuses on various aspects of human sexuality. The book is the result of a qualitative study they did using interviews of individuals in the MAP community. This research was done in a completely appropriate and professional manner with the full support of their academic institution.

Fallout from A Long Dark Shadow

After an interview discussing the book, Dr. Walker became the subject (or victim) of social media. There was immediate pushback from people at their university stating that they were promoting child abuse or other similar complaints. 

The comments went crazy. 

This initially resulted in the university placing them on leave. I imagine the hope was that the fervor would die down. Dr. Walker ultimately resigned from their position based on the harassment and death threats they were receiving. 

All of this for what?  People, who had not read the book, getting upset by assumptions. 

People misconstruing Dr. Walker’s statements, which clearly stated that sexual abuse of children is abhorrent and unacceptable, as being supportive of sexual offending. It is because of this controversy that I immediately purchased the book. The topic is of interest but my main motivation for purchase was to support Dr. Walker.

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

My Review

I will start this review by saying that if I were ever to write a book about minor attraction, this is the book I would write. 

The first thing I felt upon reading it was a great sense of validation. 

Yes! 

There are other psychology professionals in the world who understand that pedophilia ≠ sexual offending. There are other psychology professionals willing to spread the word. 

I am an adjunct professor for a local graduate program as well as an instructor of a law enforcement polygraphy school. 

Everyone who has ever had a class with me leaves (hopefully) with a clear understanding of the differences between attraction and behavior and that pedophilia is a sexual attraction and not a behavior AND that there are plenty of people in the world who are attracted to children who never commit a sexual offense. 

The Real Research Behind A Long Dark Shadow

The book is based on Dr. Walker’s research which involved extensive interviews with people who identify as minor attracted. These individuals were brave enough to come forward to a psychology professional, who they often duly distrust, to share their stories. The chapters focus on many aspects of living with a minor attraction.

The first chapter discusses identity formation. MAPS themselves often share the negative views held by society about minor attraction and struggle to integrate their own sexual interest into their identity. Many of them questioning, “Am I a Monster” which is a question I have heard in my office many times.

The book continues to address the effect of societal shame on MAPS.

Many people, due to stigma, feel that they have to live a dual life and never disclose their minor attraction. They fear rejection from family, partners, loved ones, friends and society at large. Unfortunately, this fear is not unfounded as many also do experience that rejection. 

Often this living a dual life can lead to depression, anxiety, or even suicidal thoughts for some. 

Preparing a sentencing report for a minor attracted person? Get the data you need, quickly, with Mitigation Aide.

• Characteristics of Male Internet Only Child Pornography Offenders
• Comparing Child Pornography Offenders to Child Contact Offenders: What’s the Difference?
• Updated Review of Online Child Pornography Offender Research

Strategies for Coping

Subsequent chapters deal with the strategies they use to cope with their own attractions as well as to refrain from sexual offending. Many MAPS acknowledge an attraction to children but do not have a desire to physically act on those attractions. This goes against a societal assumption. As the book states, we don’t assume all adult attracted people are walking around actively thinking about raping other adults so why do we think this about minor attracted people? 

However, the reality cannot be ignored that some MAPS do, in fact, not resist these urges and sexually abuse children. The book also discusses what strategies some of the individuals use to avoid engaging in any type of contact sexual offense. 

Medical Professional Reactions

Another book chapter discusses MAP’s experiences with mental health professionals. 

This chapter is upsetting to me as a mental health professional but an expression of reality. People avoid seeking therapy to help cope with the attraction, stigma, shame, or other mental health issues around the minor attraction for many reasons. 

They fear, rightly, that many therapists will have a negative reaction to their disclosure and will refuse to treat them. They often fear that a therapist will make an unwarranted call to children and youth, or the police based on the disclosure of an attraction, not based on any behavior. While some might think this is farfetched, I have experienced this in my own practice, hearing of other therapists thinking they need to make a mandatory report when a client says they have an attraction to minors but never disclosed any behavior in that direction. 

A final concern for some MAPS that keeps them from treatment is the fear that a therapist might try to engage in a sexual orientation change experience. Basically, the minor attraction equivalent of conversion therapy. We know that we cannot change sexual attractions, and many consider SOCE to be inhumane or unethical. 

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Learn more about Primary Prevention and its benefits in these articles:

• How to do Primary Prevention and More
• Help for Minor Attraction
• Research: CSAM on the Dark Web
• You Are Not a Monster: Review of a Long Dark Shadow
• Search: Primary Prevention on Dr. Jen’s Recovery Readings

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Final Thoughts

The plea to reduce stigma against individuals who are attracted to minors is twofold. 

The one that comes to mind first for many is to help with primary prevention. For those MAPS who do struggle with urges to act on their desires, providing safe spaces to work through these urges and work on resilience techniques can help keep a child safe as well as keep the person from engaging in a behavior that everyone knows is not appropriate. 

The main reason to reduce stigma, particularly by therapists, is that MAPs are people. 

They are just as deserving of a safe place to work through their issues with depression, anxiety, stigma, grief, and loss, etc. as the rest of us. They deserve a safe space and a nonjudgmental professional to work with that can help them improve their general health and wellbeing. 

If you have an interest in this topic, I strongly urge you to read this book. I will be incorporating it into our treatment program for those individuals who are minor attracted. 

I don’t want to make this disclaimer but given the nature of our world and the internet, I feel that I need to say that supporting Dr. Walker, this book, and the reduction of stigma against minor attraction in no way supports harming children. 

It actually supports working to prevent child abuse.

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Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

The post You Are Not a Monster: Review of A Long Dark Shadow first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This article, in conjunction with the others, in Using Superheroes and Villains in Counseling and Play Therapy by Lawrence C. Rubin, has a useful analysis of why the utilization of superheroes and villains could be beneficial in addiction treatment. Essentially, it is Narrative Therapy, which Smith & Kirby eloquently preface their modality of SUD Superhero and Supervillain Activity with (p.136).

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What is Narrative Therapy?

Narrative therapy helps the client retell their story from an objective lens, in a way which gives the client the power, reflection and conviction of their own story.

The use of Narrative therapy is very insightful, both for the therapist and the client. The therapist walks with the client recreating their story of self-proclaimed weaknesses to strength.

Narrative therapy helps the client retell their story from an objective lens, in a way which gives the client the power, reflection and conviction of their own story. They no longer giving society the power to tell them who they are before or interim of sobriety and recovery.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

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Using Superheroes and Villains in Narrative Therapy

The struggles of supervillain and superheroes give us a sense that they have humanistic attributes like us. This makes them relatable especially under the guise of a metaphor in their lives. Once the client can personify their addiction and not internalize it, the power becomes displaced. Therefore, making the addiction an extension outside of self. Making a more realistic entity to contend with.

This exercise supplies a detailed orientation of how to create the superhero and villain for the client in nine sections.

The nine sections are as follows (p. 138):

• Basic Information (gender, age and race)
• Physical Appearance
• Unique Features
• Weapons
• Gadgets and Vehicles
• Partners, sidekicks/henchmen
• Powers
• Weaknesses
• Motivation and Symbol

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

The Exercise

This exercise could be utilized with clients that work well with Narrative Therapy or have an interest in entertaining the idea of a superhero and supervillain with in themselves.

What follows the exercise is a case example of a client that utilized the mentioned activity. Which gives some context on how this exercise is used and the result of the exercise.

Alternative uses of this Narrative Therapy style could be used. For example, from other films and stories. The only issue there is if the client knows of that film or story in order to develop meaning and understanding. But a film or story that the client does not know, could easily become a suggestion for discussion for the next session.

Eli Irving specializes in working with adolescents with Problematic Sexual Behavior at SATS.

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

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Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

The post A Review: Superheroes and Villains in the Treatment of Substance Abuse Disorders first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I came across this book about Autism and Sexuality while searching for information on Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and sex crimes. Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more individuals with ASD being arrested for sex crimes. I’ve been on a quest to make myself much more knowledgeable about the subject.

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The book, The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law: What every parent and professional needs to know, is part personal narrative and part educational. It is co-authored by an individual who was arrested for possession of child pornography, a psychologist specialized in ASD and a therapist specialized in sexuality and ASD. 

The Story

The book starts with the story of the investigation of Nick by the Federal government. 

This part of the story is very familiar to me. I hear it often from my clients. The manner in which the feds enter a home and talk to the suspect is routine and unchanging. 

What was new to me was this story from the perspective of someone with ASD and how he was affected by the traditional police policies. 

The book then goes on to share Nick’s history and how he finally was diagnosed with ASD as an adult. 

There are two chapters, one each, from Nick’s parents. Again, this perspective is common in my work with family members. But to hear it under the frame of ASD adds to the story. The pain of his parents is palpable. A pain, I imagine, many parents go through when their child is facing very serious consequences for very serious actions.

As Nick’s father is a law professor, his chapter provides excellent resources from a legal perspective as well.

Beyond Autism and Sexuality: The Law

The subsequent chapters are written by professionals with the purpose to educate the reader about ASD. The symptoms and how those symptoms can predispose someone with ASD to troubles with the law. 

The final chapters discuss the fact that nearly everyone, parents, teachers, etc, discounts the fact that individuals with ASD are sexual beings. This means they are frequently not taught sexual education as non ASD children are. There is an assumption that they will not have the same desires. 

Obviously, this assumption is inaccurate. 

Frequently, when the education is not provided, they will turn to the same place we all turn to, the internet. 

Using the internet for sexual education is fraught with challenges for everyone. Even more so for individuals with ASD due to some of their challenges with social interaction and theory of mind.

The Takeaway

While I did not learn as much from this book as I was hoping, I still believe it is an extremely useful resource. I can envision suggesting this book to the families of the individuals we work with who have family members with ASD whose behavior crosses legal boundaries and gets them involved with the criminal justice system.

Update April 2022: For a related review from another therapist’s perspective, see Eli Irving’s review of this book.

Update May 2022: Related research articles for sentencing reports and forensic psychological investigations.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post The Law, Autism and Sexuality first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I have always been a bit of a superhero geek (more antihero) growing up. So, I was immediately drawn to Even a Superhero Needs Counseling.

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I was enlightened, as a child, by what a “good person” does through comic books. Therefore, as I got older, I realized that you have be careful about who you attempt to save.

Some people may turn into supervillains, whether you helped them, or not. However, being a therapist and a comic book fan, I often wonder what it would be like to have them sitting in front of me at times.

The Review: Even a Superhero Needs Counseling

In his book, Even A Superhero Needs Counseling, Daniel Bates has a good approach to analyzing these superheroes and supervillains. He suggests treatment options as if they were to see him for therapy.

His diagnosing the superheroes with disorders and proposing their treatment plans was interesting to ponder. I sense he investigated some differential diagnoses before stamping some of our favorite characters with a diagnosis.

I have no doubt that other therapists would say that he is spot on with some diagnoses. But others would disagree.

Do you believe your sexual behaviors are compulsive or harmful to you or others? Then you should take the CSBD-19 free, validated self-assessment tool.

How I Use These Lessons as a Therapist

Using this book to further investigate the minds of comic book heroes and foes could be useful in therapy sessions. Especially, when we have clients that identify with comic book characters or just to share an interest in a character to help understand why our client is interested in them. I find that the use of comics could provide a bridge to some of our clients that have not even heard of the comics. For example, they might be able to identify with the same struggles and find a similar coping skill that a character may have used.

I am not saying that we would recommend parading around as the caped crusader to avenge the people that cause trauma to others, however, we could look at the actions of comic book characters who are doing something healthy to help them cope with the dark worlds that we live in.

Maybe our clients could see themselves as their own superheroes?

To Find the book: Even A Superhero Needs Counseling: What Superheroes and Super-Villains Teach Us About Ourselves. By Daniel Bates, LMHC

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

The post Book Review: Even A Superhero Needs Counseling first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I’ve always been interested in contemporary male sexuality and the ramifications men and women face from our conceptions of it. As we learn more, concepts change, and often people are reluctant to change if it effects their perception or lifestyle critically.

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In Contemporary Male Sexuality: Confronting Myths and Promoting Change by Barry and Emily McCarthy, the authors do just what the title says. They identify and critique traditional male views regarding sex and relationships by calling those views myths. The authors question the efficacy of said views. They also demonstrate how those views place women as “second class.” This substantiates their reasoning for promoting more of a cohesive platform between both men and women.

McCarthy & McCarthy call this bridge the female-male sexual equity model.

“…having this in your arsenal for challenging the reluctance could be useful to promote healthy male sexuality vs the contrary.”

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

What is the female-male sexual equity model?

The female-male sexual equity model is, essentially, a dialogue that promotes a roadmap and guidelines for change (p.11).

This concept is a great solution to the conflicts that surround what sex is and isn’t for both men and women. The model challenges both men and women to dive deeper into themselves to find their own healthy sexuality.

Once that is harnessed and articulated between partners, the relationship can grow, not only with emotional intimacy but also sexually. Statistically that’s 15-20% of relational happiness!

One statistic at that was redundant was the 15-20% efficacy of the role sexuality plays in the well-being of relationships (p.8). I and you will never forget this statistic. Whether you agree with that statistic, is up to you. The language that McCarthy & McCarthy use is moderately blaming of men for their oppressive views. Moreover, male readers should try to not take it personal and look at it more of a critique of male sexual culture. Which, without a doubt, needs to be updated and challenged.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Who is Contemporary Male Sexuality for?

This book could be useful for clients that are open to challenging the perception of masculinity and their own preconceived notions of intimacy and sex.

For the reluctant client that does not want to challenge their perceptions, it could be difficult. However, having this in your arsenal for challenging the reluctance could be useful to promote healthy male sexuality vs the contrary.

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

The post Book Review: Contemporary Male Sexuality: Confronting Myths and Promoting Change first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I bought this book as soon as I saw it. I was excited to read it. That may sound odd to someone not in my field, there is so little published on sibling sexual abuse that any new readings on the topic catch my eye. 

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The occurrence of sibling sexual abuse is not that uncommon. However, it is VERY UNCOMMON for this type of abuse to be reported to parents, care givers or the authorities. There are so many people in the world who experienced this type of sexual abuse who have remained silent for decades. It is a taboo topic that is not talked about, though it should be.

My Review of Sibling Sexual Abuse

In my continued effort to be totally honest, I am going to say that I really wanted to like this book a lot more than I actually did. Here are some of my struggles with the book. 

1. Most of the research cited is old. Some of it from the late 1990’s, which, by research standards, is old. There are only a few citations from the past five years or so. In the author’s defense, there is not a lot of scientific research on sibling sexual abuse to draw from. However, a quick Science Direct search reveals newer research from the past few years.
2. There is a heavy use of “offender” and “deviant” when referring to a sibling sexual abuser. While the term offender is technically correct, in our more trauma informed world, I had a personal struggle with what felt like the heavy use of the word when we are talking about children, some pretty young, who have engaged in sexually abusive behavior. I own that the lens of my work is heavily trauma informed. So the use of words like deviant can hit my button for being very shame inducing. Others may not see the use of these words through that lens.
3. The author expresses some ideas, that are currently theories, as facts. Concepts such as pornography addiction shaping arousal templates of young people are not considered to be scientifically proven at this point and are rather controversial in our field. While I do agree with the author’s thoughts about the influence of large amounts of pornography viewing on young people’s sexual attitudes and possibly behavior, I struggle to speak of them as absolute facts.
4. I found the book a little confusing as well. Though I perceived the language in the beginning of the book as not terribly trauma informed, the author then laid out treatment options and philosophies that were very trauma informed. The holistic, individualized, trauma informed treatment that he suggests is sometimes at odds with the language used. 

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Learn More about Sibling Sexual Abuse

• Sibling Sexual Abuse as Family Dysfunction
• Sibling Sexual Abuse: A Parental Perspective
• Book Review: Sibling Sexual Abuse
• Adverse Childhood Experiences and Sibling Incest

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How My Review is Shaded by My Professional Experience

After I write my list of complaints about the book, I need to take a step back and check my perspective. 

I do a large amount of forensic work which means I am steeped in research articles and science. Actually, I love it too! I realize that not everyone looks at what is basically a self-help book through a scientific lens. I am, perhaps, being way too hard on this book and the author.

With my own biases in mind, I realize that this is a book that is not written for the scientific community, I can then truly see the value in this book. 

We NEED to talk about sibling sexual abuse. The people who were victims of this form of abuse need a voice and this book is a starting point for them to understand that we see them, and they are not alone. 

The book also offers some very solid treatment options, as well as looking very honestly at the issues that can arise for a family dealing with sibling sexual abuse. This can include Children and Youth involvement, legal issues, family separation and possible placement of the child that has committed the sexually abusive behavior.

Sibling Sexual Abuse, available on Amazon.

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Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Book Review: Sibling Sexual Abuse first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I read Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts for several reasons: 

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The first is that we sometimes have individuals referred to us for potential sexual addiction who have intrusive sexual thoughts. Frequently these individuals are not dealing with a problematic sexual behavior, but intrusive sexual thoughts and we refer them out to a great area clinician who specializes in treating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Second, we do have a lot of clients who have some version of intrusive thoughts. So, I thought: the more I could learn about it, the better.

The subtitle of the book is A CBT based guide to getting over frightening, obsessive or disturbing thoughts. 

My initial assumption was that the book was going to more traditionally CBT focused, but I did not find it so. It reads more like a book that is advocating some level of mindfulness-based practice. 

This is perfect for me as we often use this in our practice. 

One helpful part of this book is how much it normalizes intrusive thoughts. Many people have thoughts that pop into their heads that are about violence, sexualized content or doing or engaging in what the author calls “disgusting” acts. 

Anytime we can work to reduce shame it is a great thing! 

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

The Six Steps to Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

I want to focus this review on the authors six steps to reduce distress over a thought. They are very mindfulness based and are also extremely applicable to dealing with urges and cravings in any type of addiction. 

The steps are: 

Recognize

The first step is to just recognize that an intrusive thought is just a thought. To adapt this to addiction recovery, a craving is just a craving. We can recognize it for what it is. That means we pause and label it. Thought. Craving, etc.

Just Thoughts

The next step is to remind oneself that it is just a thought or craving. 

Accept and Allow

From there we Accept and Allow the thought or craving. The author says that this means we actively allow the thoughts to be there. We don’t act on it, but we also do not need to give the thoughts or cravings attention. For example, someone in recovery might say to themselves, this is just a craving.

Float and Feel

The Float and Feel step requires perhaps a bit more explanation. The author says to float above the fray and allow the feelings to just stay there. This is described as an attitude of “non-active, non-urgent, non-effortful observation.” This is also called the Wise Mind. Float and Feel is to passively allow the thought or craving to be and not engage with it. 

Let Time Pass

Perhaps one of the hardest steps is to just let time pass. This is to learn to sit with the feelings that come up and not try to immediately do something to get rid of them. Recognize that a thought or a craving is just a false message from our brain. 

Proceed

The last step is to Proceed or just keep going. Continue with whatever it was that you were doing. 

Of course, as with most difficult things we need to change, this process is much easier said than done.  These steps take time to learn and even more time to master.  A good first step is to just be able to recognize a thought or a craving and label it for what it is. I am having a craving.  I am just going to try to sit with it as long as I can without judging it.  Thoughts and cravings pass.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

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Conclusion

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts is a nice primer to help individuals start to understand their intrusive thoughts. 

It also helps them come to understand if the thoughts are simply intrusive thoughts or indicative of something else, such as OCD, that might require professional help to master.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Book Review: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.