Book Review: The 5 Apology Languages
I have long been a fan of Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages book. I have suggested the book to client’s countless times. When I saw that he and Jennifer Thomas had written The 5 Apology Languages, I was eager to read it and see if it might be just as helpful to clients as 5 Love Languages.
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The concepts of apology, forgiveness and amends are constantly being talked about in the walls of our offices.
Whether our clients have engaged in problematic sexual behavior or committed a sexual offense, these behaviors always come with collateral damage. Spouses, partners, wives, families, children, and even co-workers or employers can all become primary or secondary victims to Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB).
We talk a lot about making amends, rebuilding trust and the struggle that partner’s often having to forgive the person with PSB and to move through their betrayal trauma.
My Review
Let me start out by saying that I love this little book.
After I read it the other day, I wanted to buy it in bulk and give it to most of our clients! I think it can be truly very helpful in healing relationships.
“Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. It is the decision to continue to grow in the relationship by removing the barrier.”
Let’s first recap the 5 Languages of Love. For those who have not read the work, the love languages are:
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Gift Giving
- Quality Time
We all have a language (or two) that we express our love it and that we feel loved by.
The same is true for apologies.
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The 5 Apology Languages
- Expressing Regret
- Accepting Responsibility
- Making Restitution
- Planned Change
- Requesting Forgiveness
Someone whose apology language is expressing regret needs to hear the person who hurt them say that they are very sorry, and they regret their actions.
The apology language of accepting responsibility requires that the person who did the wrong actually say that they were wrong and take responsibility for the hurt or harm they caused.
Making restitution requires that the person who committed the hurt ask how they can make the hurt right. What can they do to make up for it?
The language of planned change requires that the person who committed the hurt acknowledge their wrong and also provide a plan for how they are either going to change their behavior or work to not commit the wrong again.
The final language, requesting forgiveness, requires that the person who did the hurting actually ask if the person they hurt can forgive them. The hurt person requires that request. Obviously, we can all have more than one apology language and the best apologies actually combine a number of the languages at the same time.
Another lovely addition to this book is that there are several chapters on forgiveness. Both about choosing to accept forgiveness if someone hurt you and also a chapter on forgiving yourself.
The authors state that forgiveness is a choice. It is defined as “a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).” One of my favorite lines in the book about forgiveness is “Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. It is the decision to continue to grow in the relationship by removing the barrier.”
Conclusions
After reading this little book, I could not help thinking about how many of the struggles that we hear about in relationships in recovery come from partners not talking each other’s apology language. I often hear from individuals with PSB that they have said they are sorry a million times and they don’t know what else they can do, and they do not understand why their partner continues to express anger and continue to bring up the indiscretions.
Perhaps the answer is that they do not know their partner’s apology language and their heartfelt attempts to apologize and ask for forgiveness have not actually been the type of apology their partner needed to hear.
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Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.
Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.
