Where has this book been all my clinical life? Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi?: A Guide for women concerned about their men is a book written by Joe Kort with Alexander Morgan published in 2014. To say that this is a much needed book in the sex addiction field is an understatement. One of the hardest things to do is to try to explain to a client that just because her husband is acting out sexually with other men, he is not necessarily gay.
There are several clients I have worked with that stand out in my mind. I recall working with one man who identified as a sex addict. He came into treatment because his wife found out that he was acting out sexually outside of the marriage and he was acting out with other men. Her immediate assumption was that her husband was gay. There was little that I could say to convince her in an early joint session that her husband might be acting out with men for other reasons and that further therapy for him would be needed in order to truly find out what was going on. Unfortunately, all she had was the word of her husband’s therapist and it was a fact that, in her trauma and betrayal, she could not wrap her head around. This is one of many cases where this book might have been extremely helpful.
In this book, through case studies, Joe explains the various reasons that a man might act out sexually with another man. A man might act out sexually with another man, even though he is not aroused by men, as a trauma repetition. In fact, childhood abuse is the number one reason why a straight man will act out sexually with another man. Some men are sexual with men because they are, in fact, gay or bi-sexual and have been socialized to deny this or have denied this fact to themselves. Additionally, men may engage sexually with other men due to being attracted to various sexual kinks. In these situations, the sexual behavior may not be driven by attraction to men versus women, but to the kink itself.
In addition to discussing the various reasons why married men may have sex with other men, Joe describes many ways in which the situation may resolve itself. The key here is that if a husband is gay or bi-sexual, it does not always lead to divorce. Socially, marriage is seen as something between two heterosexual people, though thoughts and views are expanding and our culture is happily becoming much more open to same sex marriage. Joe brings to this book the reality that there may be options for mixed orientation couples to remain together and do so happily. He acknowledges that this is not easy, but it does work for some couples.
For me, this book is a must read for any woman who has found out that her husband or male partner is being sexual with another man. It provides some context for why and some helpful advice on how to handle the process. The one concern for readers I have is this: Joe comes from a sex therapy as well as a sex addiction background. He is a very sex positive therapist. This is a wonderful thing in my mind. However, his thoughts on potentially integrating kink or pornography into a marriage as part of the long term recovery process may be something that is contrary to how many partners reading the book may feel.
Is my husband gay, straight or bi? Is a must read for anyone in clinical practice who deals with sexual issues as well as any woman who finds out that her husband/partner is having sex with men.
For more information on our services for the treatment of out of controls sexual behavior, please see our website at www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com