A recent study presented this week at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association reported on the effect starting to watch pornography has on a marriage.

This study surveyed thousands of American adults at three time points over four years. They asked about pornography use at each stage of the survey. The researchers particularly wanted to focus on changing pornography use and marital status.

The study found that those individuals who started to watch pornography during the survey time period (who were not watching pornography the first time they were surveyed) had a higher likelihood of being divorced at a subsequent interview point. Younger Americans were more affected by the start of pornography use than older Americans. The authors suggested that this may be the result of two things. First, the fact that younger Americans view more pornography than older Americans and second, the fact that younger married Americans tend to have relationships that are not as stable, both emotionally and financially, as older Americans.

One study finding that goes against previous research involves religiosity. This study found that the more a couple attended church (as a measure of religious involvement) the less of an effect pornography viewing had. The authors speculate that with couples who are highly religious, the pressure to stay married outweighs the effect of pornography use on the level of satisfaction in the marriage.

The authors also looked at the effect of initial marital happiness and pornography use on the divorce rate. They found that couples who initially reported being very happy in their marriage were more seriously affected by one partner starting to watch pornography and their divorce rates were higher. In contrast, for couples who reported low marital satisfaction from the start, there was no effect of one partner starting to watch pornography on the divorce rate. The authors postulated that these happy marriages were more affected by the pornography use because the disclosure of pornography use can rock a previously happy marriage to the point of divorce.

It should be noted that the study is not definitively saying that pornography use causes divorce. When looking at research studies, one needs to look at all factors. Yes, this study is saying that when one partner in a marriage starts to look at pornography, the likelihood of divorce increases (from 6% to 11%). They are not saying that it is inevitable. The study also did not look at any number of other factors which could have influenced the divorce or, more importantly, the factors that influenced the partner to start watching pornography in the first place.

This study was presented at the ASA meeting this week. It is entitled “Til Porn Do Us Part? Longitudinal Effects of Pornography Use on Divorce.” Samuel Perry from the University of Oklahoma is the lead author.

For more information on Dr. Weeks, please go to our website at www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com  Also, find Dr. Weeks’ new book The New Age of Sex Education:  How to talk to your teen about cybersex and pornography in the digital age on amazon or bookbaby.

The post Starting to Watch Pornography Increases Your Likelihood of Getting a Divorce first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Up until not that long ago, the only people who knew about websites such as Ashley Madison or Adult Friend Finder, were either people who were using the sites, their partners (if they were caught) or those of us working in the sex addiction field.  That all changed this week with the airing of several television commercials for the website Ashely Madison on the television channels Spike TV and other US cable networks such as Animal Planet.

The advertisements, which you can view on the ispot.tv sites (http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7nPx/ashley-madison-zombies-international and http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7y34/ashley-madison-other-than-my-wife#moreData ), have been aired nationally over 300 times.  As an overview, the first commercial shows handsome rather clean cut, all American looking men cheerfully singing the tune whose catch phrase is “I’m looking for someone other than my wife.” The zombie themed commercial tells us that by having an affair with someone we hook up with on Ashley Madison, we will bring the excitement back to our marriage.  What is obvious in both of these advertisements is that the behavior should be secret.

I have no intention of making this blog about marriage, morality or religious beliefs.  I acknowledge that there are many couples who have open relationships in which they engage sexually with others outside of their marriage.  The key differences between couples in an open relationship and cheating in a non-open marriage are consent and secrecy.  In an open relationship, couples have agreed to the terms of the relationship.  They know that there will be sexual interactions outside the marriage.  Both parties in the relationship consent to these terms and there are no secrets.  What Ashley Madison is proposing and supports is infidelity in secret.

While we can laugh at the silly commercials or be aghast at the fact that the company is advertising a cheating website in the same manner that Ford advertises a new truck, the fact is that the commercials supporting the practice of infidelity completely ignore the effects of cheating on a marriage.  Where in these commercials is the scene where the unsuspecting spouse catches a sexually transmitted infection from their cheating husband or wife?  Where is the scene that shows the pain and anguish that the partner who has been cheated on feels and experiences?

In our practice, we often work with partners whose spouse or significant other has cheated on them, some even via the website Ashley Madison.  I think I can safely say that none of these partners felt as though their significant other’s cheating brought the excitement back into their marriage, unless by excitement the owners of Ashley Madison mean anger, rage, tears, heartache, anxiety and a deep sense of loss and betrayal.

Janis Abrahms Spring Ph.D.  (http://janisaspring.com/) is a renowned author who writes about infidelity.  In her book, After the Affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful, Dr. Abrahms Spring shares the possible psychological impact of an affair in a relationship.  These include a loss of: “identity, sense of specialness, self-respect for debasing yourself and forfeiting your basic values to win your partner back, self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged, control over your thoughts and actions, fundamental sense of order and justice in the world, religious faith, connection with others and sense of purpose or the will to live.”   I feel great empathy for the partners I work with who, unsuspectingly, will be exposed to this commercial and be emotionally triggered by both its existence and its content.

I understand that Ashley Madison is, above all, a company that wants to make money. I realize that in order to do that they need more subscribers.  However, I struggle with the complete lack of understanding of the impact of an affair on a relationship that is displayed by the company.  Has digital sexuality evolved to the point where we are encouraging lying and deception to our chosen partner on national television with a catchy tune?  Have we become so dehumanized on the internet that we truly believe that hooking up with someone via the internet is not cheating?

In the world of addiction (or affairs in this case) we often say that if there is a will, there is a way.  Therefore, if a man or woman wants to cheat on their spouse they will find a way to do so.  They will also easily find a way to do so without national advertising of hook up sites.

The post Infidelity goes Mainstream: Invalidating Partners’ Pain first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Updates from IITAP

Working with Betrayal in Couples 

 Every year a portion of the 1800 Certified Sex Addiction Therapists gather outside Phoenix, Arizona for the annual conference.  This February was the 9^th annual conference.  Though I have been a CSAT since 2009, this was my first trip to the conference.  As such, I thought I would write about what CSATs are working on and thinking about today.  

Drs. John and Julie Gottman presented the keynote speech on Thursday and discussed the Science of Trust and Betrayal.  Given the fact that the Gottman’s have an Institute (http://www.gottman.com/) and a large amount of product to sell, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that the talk was entirely clinical and was not at all a marketing ploy to buy their products or attend their trainings.  As I am not a couples therapist, I found the research on Masters and Disasters quite interesting.  They have extensively studied what makes a couple a “Master” versus a “Disaster.”  Masters are couples that stay together and both are in high relationship satisfaction.  Disasters are couples who either break up or stay together but are in low relationship satisfaction. 

 The studies show that one of the things that predict divorce is the ration of positive to negative emotions during conflict.  For couples who are in a happy relationship, they have a 5 to 1 ration of positivity to negativity when discussing a conflict.  The unhappy couples have a 0.8 to 1 ratio meaning they are more negative in communication than positive.  The corrosive interactions are termed the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse by the Gottmans.  These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  These reactions need to be turned into more positive actions such as using gentle start up, taking responsibility, building a culture of appreciation and engaging in physiological self-soothing. 

 So how do we make a relationship work?  The Gottmans provide 7 principles to make it work.  The first is to build love maps.  This means that you are aware of your partner’s internal psychological world.  We need to show interest in them, ask questions and remember the answers and take the time to check in with our partner’s emotional state.  The next thing we need to do is to nurture fondness and admiration.  This means we have to look at what our partner is doing right instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong!  We also need to express fondness and affection as well as build respect and intimacy.  This is something that we have to do often in small gestures.

 Another principle for making a relationship work is to turn toward bids of connection.  Both partners are often making bids for connection such as looking for attention, support, empathy, joy and adventure.  We need to laugh together and be affectionate and playful.  The fourth principle is to work to have positive sentiment override negative sentiment.  If the positive feelings we have toward our partner over ride that momentary emotional distance or anger it will help to make repair effective. 

 The fifth principle is to manage conflict constructively.  According to the presentation, 69% of conflict is not solvable.  There are times when personality conflicts among partners feel like mismatches.  Couples must process “past regrettable incidents.”  The Gottman-Rapoport Blueprint for conflict resolution includes using a soft start up instead of attacking.  Using repair and de-escalation in the discussion.  We need to be able to self sooth and work to find common ground and compromise. 

 Another very positive relationship principle is to help make our partner’s dreams come true.  This seems so simple yet is so profound.  In good relationships we nurture our partner’s dreams while we maintain our own.  The final principle is to create shared meaning with our partner.  When we do this, we create rituals of connection in our relationship.  This also means having shared values, goals and narratives. 

 As I was listening to this talk, I found the information very helpful and useful.  However, would it apply to couple’s in recovery from sex addiction?  When a partner finds out that their partner is engaging in compulsive sexual behavior, the trauma of discovery is potent enough to create the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Dr. Gottman proposes an Atone-Attune- Attach therapy method that could be helpful. 

 The first phase of this therapy, Atone, involves first exploring and validating the hurt partner’s PTSD.  Then the hurt partner asks questions with the betraying partner answering questions with transparency.  It is also suggested that at this phase the WHY question not be addressed and that detailed sexual questions not be asked as they can create triggers or ruminations for the partner.  The next key is to establish transparency and verification.  This Atone phase is very compatible with how we treat disclosure and the needs of partners in sex addiction treatment.

 The second phase is Attune.  In this phase the couple processes why the betrayal happened and work on conflict management.  They also suggest weekly meetings of the couple to process hurts, needs and feelings.  The final phase is to attach. In this phase, the couple works to create emotional connection and intimacy and focus on pro-relationship communication.  There is also a clear “formal high cost” or what we call non-negotiable for subsequent betrayals. 

 In reviewing the information for the writing of this blog, I come to the conclusion that the Gottman Method of couple’s work can be very applicable to work with couples that are in recovery from sex addiction.  Of course, every method requires some personalization for the couple and the specifics of the betrayal, but all in all, applying the concepts of Atone-Attune-Attach can be very helpful for couples working through recovery. 

 For more information on the Gottman Institute, please check out their website at www.gottman.com

The post Updates from IITAP – Helping Couples Heal first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.