Consent is a hot button topic today. The #metoo movement continues to grow and the supreme court nomination brought to light the suffering of many sexual abuse survivors. The general public is starting to realize that we do not teach consent to our children
Those of us who work in the fields of sexuality (sex therapists, sex offender therapists, sex addiction therapists) have long known that there is a lack of education about consent. We have moved from no means no to yes means yes but that still leaves a lot of grey area. For instance, what happens when yes turns into no?
To help learn more about consent, I turn to what some might think is a strange source, the Kink community. The BDSM community has a lot to teach the rest of us about the concept of consent.
While there are many aspects of the BDSM world, consent lies at the heart of these communities. Here’s how:
Critical to the BDSM community is negotiation. People who are going to play (engage in BDSM) together spend a great deal of time ahead of time negotiating what will happen during the session. These discussions about the sex practices that will or will not be engaged in during the session are often extensive. Negotiations include what each participant’s limits are (what they will not engage in), what types of things they enjoy as well as the discussion of the safe word.
When two people engage in extensive negotiations before an interaction it removes the grey areas that can happen when there is not good communication. There is no room for miscommunication because it has all been talked about ahead of time.
The safe word is the word that is agreed upon ahead of time which, when invoked, means the behavior that is currently happening ends immediately. This process of safe word shows that the BDSM community understands that consent is not a broad concept. Consent is an ongoing process that can be revoked at any time during an interaction. Just because someone says yes to something initially, it does not mean theywant the behavior to continue. Everyone’s experience of a sexual behavior is dependent on so many things. What they might have enjoyed engaging in during one session may not feel good in another based on many things, not limited to mood, stress level, partner and environment.
Aftercare is a concept that is not often talked about in traditional sexual encounters. The BDSM community understands that these interactions can be emotionally and physically intense. Aftercare takes this into consideration and involves physical and emotional support for the parties involved. This can be physical, meaning food, water, etc. or emotional, such as cuddling, holding, stroking etc. When both parties engage in aftercare it demonstrates a mutuality in the interaction.
Traditional sexual interactions among the non-Kink community normally do not involve any of these processes. Traditionally, there is very little discussion about what behaviors are ok between two sexual partners. Safe words are hardly ever employed and frequently, in our hook up culture, the after-sex behavior lacks emotional and physical nurturance.
I will end this post with a quote I heard at this years ATSA conference. “We spend more time negotiating what we want on a pizza than we do negotiating sex.”
We have a lot to learn from the Kink community and if we employed some of their practices into our own sexual practices we would be having safer and more truly consensual sex.
Reference: “Unorthodox Rules”: The Instructive Potential of BDSM for Consent Law. Bennett, T (2018) Journal of Positive Sexuality, 4(1), 4-11.
Dr. Jennifer Weeks is the owner and director of Sexual Addiction Treatment Services. She is a clinician and expert witness working with sexual abuse, cybersex offenders and all types of problematic sexual behavior.