I am going to start this post by adamantly stating that I am not a couples counselor. It’s not my thing and I just can’t do it. I have a great respect for those therapists who train in this area and devote their careers to helping couples find their way. Since I do not do couples therapy, I must refer my clients out to other couples therapists. You might think that this is an easy task. There are many Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists in this world. Then why do I hear so many horror stories from my clients? Why is my list of people to NOT refer to longer than my list of people TO refer to?

I will share with you the story of a newer client’s experience in couples counseling. First, I should share that I work with sex addicts and sexually addicted sex offenders. It is a rather specialized population and perhaps, a controversial one. Many of my clients are caught by the authorities for viewing child pornography. For many of them, this behavior is an escalation of their addiction to pornography.

This man and his wife, not long after her “disclosure by police”, went to see a couples therapist. This was not someone our program recommended but a therapist that they found via their insurance. The therapist had no stated knowledge or expertise in working with pornography addiction nor with offenders. This was glaringly obvious. My client reported that he was very open with this therapist. He told the counselor all about his addiction and how it led to his use of illegal images and arrest. (Let me tell you this is a big deal to share at a first session with anyone!).

When a client comes to you for this type of work, their level of shame gives them an amazing radar for judgment. They are sharing their deepest secrets with you, the therapist. If you move an eyebrow they will know it and likely interpret it as you judging them. Well, my client immediately felt as though the couples therapist did not believe that pornography addiction was a real thing. All from a vocal expression of the therapist. My client continued the session for the sake of his partner.

This therapist asked to see the partner alone during the initial session. Granted, what I relate to you is third party information, relayed from the partner to the client to me. However, even allowing for interpretation of the event, there is some truth here. That truth is very bothersome.

What the partner heard: the couples therapist thought that her husband (my client) was lying. The couples therapist felt that my client was not sorry about anything only that he was caught. The couples therapist then advised the partner that she should leave the relationship. All this assessment was garnered after only an hour intake session.

One can only imagine what this did to the partner.

What this also does is taint the idea of couples therapy for both of them.

As counselors, therapists and psychologists, we are only supposed to treat within our area of expertise. I treat sexual addiction, sexual offenders, addiction, and trauma and addiction. If someone comes to me with an eating disorder, for example, I don’t treat them. I refer them to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. If someone comes to me with schizophrenia, I refer them to a specialist. You get the idea.

When we do not abide by this and treat people out of our area of expertise we can do damage to the client. This happens frequently when it comes to sex addiction. Sex addiction is a very controversial topic. Many people think it doesn’t exist and many people do. Personally, the label does not matter to me. For some clients, the label matters very much. If a client feels they have a sexual addiction and identifies with the label in a healthy way and a therapist tells them that it doesn’t exist or treats them in a manner biased by their own beliefs, they can do harm to the client.

If there is a stigma about sex addiction, then the stigma against sex offenders is there tenfold. Even less therapists are trained in treating sex offenders than sex addicts. There are studies that show therapists won’t treat pedophiles. In a profession where we are supposed to be open and nonjudgmental, many of us are just that, judgmental.

I do not write this to bash well-meaning couples therapists. I reiterate that I have the utmost respect for your work! My plea to couples therapists is this: If you do not believe in sex addiction, do not treat a couple where one partner feels they are a sex addict. If you do not believe in sex addiction or pornography addiction, please don’t shame the person with the addiction. If you do not want to treat sex offenders, then simply say that. Please don’t go behind one partner’s back and tell them that their husband or wife is lying and they should leave.

My advice for those seeking couples counseling (or any counseling for that matter) is to investigate your potential therapist. I understand that therapy out of network can be costly. The list of therapists you get from your insurance company means nothing other than they are in network with your insurance. It is your job to do some groundwork on us. Check out the therapist’s website. Consider what their specialties are. Call and ask if they specialize in working with couples (or individuals) who are going through what you are going through. If they don’t, then find another therapist.

Ultimately, we work for the client. Therefore I end every one of my intake sessions with a new client with one question. “Do you think that you can work with me?” I want to know if they feel comfortable with me. If not, even if I have the right training for the client, I am not the right therapist.

For more information on Dr. Weeks and her practice, visit our website:  www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com 

The post Why is a Good Couples Counselor So Hard to Find? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

A recent study presented this week at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association reported on the effect starting to watch pornography has on a marriage.

This study surveyed thousands of American adults at three time points over four years. They asked about pornography use at each stage of the survey. The researchers particularly wanted to focus on changing pornography use and marital status.

The study found that those individuals who started to watch pornography during the survey time period (who were not watching pornography the first time they were surveyed) had a higher likelihood of being divorced at a subsequent interview point. Younger Americans were more affected by the start of pornography use than older Americans. The authors suggested that this may be the result of two things. First, the fact that younger Americans view more pornography than older Americans and second, the fact that younger married Americans tend to have relationships that are not as stable, both emotionally and financially, as older Americans.

One study finding that goes against previous research involves religiosity. This study found that the more a couple attended church (as a measure of religious involvement) the less of an effect pornography viewing had. The authors speculate that with couples who are highly religious, the pressure to stay married outweighs the effect of pornography use on the level of satisfaction in the marriage.

The authors also looked at the effect of initial marital happiness and pornography use on the divorce rate. They found that couples who initially reported being very happy in their marriage were more seriously affected by one partner starting to watch pornography and their divorce rates were higher. In contrast, for couples who reported low marital satisfaction from the start, there was no effect of one partner starting to watch pornography on the divorce rate. The authors postulated that these happy marriages were more affected by the pornography use because the disclosure of pornography use can rock a previously happy marriage to the point of divorce.

It should be noted that the study is not definitively saying that pornography use causes divorce. When looking at research studies, one needs to look at all factors. Yes, this study is saying that when one partner in a marriage starts to look at pornography, the likelihood of divorce increases (from 6% to 11%). They are not saying that it is inevitable. The study also did not look at any number of other factors which could have influenced the divorce or, more importantly, the factors that influenced the partner to start watching pornography in the first place.

This study was presented at the ASA meeting this week. It is entitled “Til Porn Do Us Part? Longitudinal Effects of Pornography Use on Divorce.” Samuel Perry from the University of Oklahoma is the lead author.

For more information on Dr. Weeks, please go to our website at www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com  Also, find Dr. Weeks’ new book The New Age of Sex Education:  How to talk to your teen about cybersex and pornography in the digital age on amazon or bookbaby.

The post Starting to Watch Pornography Increases Your Likelihood of Getting a Divorce first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Where has this book been all my clinical life? Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi?: A Guide for women concerned about their men is a book written by Joe Kort with Alexander Morgan published in 2014. To say that this is a much needed book in the sex addiction field is an understatement. One of the hardest things to do is to try to explain to a client that just because her husband is acting out sexually with other men, he is not necessarily gay.

There are several clients I have worked with that stand out in my mind. I recall working with one man who identified as a sex addict. He came into treatment because his wife found out that he was acting out sexually outside of the marriage and he was acting out with other men. Her immediate assumption was that her husband was gay. There was little that I could say to convince her in an early joint session that her husband might be acting out with men for other reasons and that further therapy for him would be needed in order to truly find out what was going on. Unfortunately, all she had was the word of her husband’s therapist and it was a fact that, in her trauma and betrayal, she could not wrap her head around. This is one of many cases where this book might have been extremely helpful.

In this book, through case studies, Joe explains the various reasons that a man might act out sexually with another man. A man might act out sexually with another man, even though he is not aroused by men, as a trauma repetition. In fact, childhood abuse is the number one reason why a straight man will act out sexually with another man. Some men are sexual with men because they are, in fact, gay or bi-sexual and have been socialized to deny this or have denied this fact to themselves. Additionally, men may engage sexually with other men due to being attracted to various sexual kinks. In these situations, the sexual behavior may not be driven by attraction to men versus women, but to the kink itself.

In addition to discussing the various reasons why married men may have sex with other men, Joe describes many ways in which the situation may resolve itself. The key here is that if a husband is gay or bi-sexual, it does not always lead to divorce. Socially, marriage is seen as something between two heterosexual people, though thoughts and views are expanding and our culture is happily becoming much more open to same sex marriage. Joe brings to this book the reality that there may be options for mixed orientation couples to remain together and do so happily. He acknowledges that this is not easy, but it does work for some couples.

For me, this book is a must read for any woman who has found out that her husband or male partner is being sexual with another man. It provides some context for why and some helpful advice on how to handle the process. The one concern for readers I have is this: Joe comes from a sex therapy as well as a sex addiction background. He is a very sex positive therapist. This is a wonderful thing in my mind. However, his thoughts on potentially integrating kink or pornography into a marriage as part of the long term recovery process may be something that is contrary to how many partners reading the book may feel.

Is my husband gay, straight or bi? Is a must read for anyone in clinical practice who deals with sexual issues as well as any woman who finds out that her husband/partner is having sex with men.

For more information on our services for the treatment of out of controls sexual behavior, please see our website at www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com

The post Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? Book Review first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

In recent history, the world was introduced to AshelyMadison.com through the news of the site being hacked. The site’s millions of members were likely anxious and fearful of their information being leaked to unsuspecting husbands and wives. The world at large was introduced to a site that those of us in the sex addiction treatment community have known about for a long, long time. The fact is, if you want to cheat on your spouse or partner, the internet can help you in a myriad of ways. Ashley Madison is just one of many avenues you could take.

When the news of the hack surfaced I struggled with many of the comments I saw on blogs or websites about hoping the cheaters were outed, caught, divorced etc. I started to get a bit angry that no one was thinking about the spouses who would find out their husband or wife was on the site. What about their pain? Dealing with both sex addicts and their partners makes you acutely aware of the trauma of being betrayed. Many partners struggle with how they will ever trust anyone else again in a relationship, whether they stay with their current spouse or divorce and enter into a new relationship someday.

Enter Fidelitydating.com. In contrast to AM’s life is short, have an affair mantra, Fidelitydating’s catch phrase is Love is Precious, Stay Faithful. FidelityDating was created to be a safe place for people to date online that does not espouse the hook up culture. One of the first things you see on the website is the proviso, “by signing up you agree you are not in a relationship. You will be honest and faithful.” If there are apps for people who want to have an affair, why shouldn’t there be dating sites for people who want to be faithful!

In an interview in NJ.com, one of the founders relates her story of being betrayed in a relationship. She was in a long term relationship with a man and found out that he had gotten married while they were together. Julie Surrey, one of the founders, understands what it feels like to be lied to, betrayed and have the relationship rug pulled out from under you.

The site’s targeted user is someone who has been the victim of betrayal or cheating and is looking for a monogamous, faithful partner. Having gone through similar experiences, it stands to reason that those on the site would understand the emotional baggage that comes with an affair as well as the struggles to trust.

Though we can never truly predict other people’s behavior or make anyone be faithful in a relationship, starting with the premise of fidelity being a relationship non-negotiable (based on past relationship trauma) might help the odds of success in a new relationship. Using the website will, at least, likely weed out those who don’t want a committed, monogamous relationship as one hopes they would not sign up for the dating site.

Bravo to FidelityDating.com for adding themselves to the niche dating website world. In a world where we can find a dating site based on religion, lifestyle preference, hobbies, professions, etc., why not also have a site based on the overtly stated premise of fidelity?

For more information on Dr. Weeks or Sexual Addiction Treatment Services please visit our website at www.sexualaddictiontreatmentservices.com 

The post Fidelity Dating: One Company’s Answer to AshleyMadison first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Up until not that long ago, the only people who knew about websites such as Ashley Madison or Adult Friend Finder, were either people who were using the sites, their partners (if they were caught) or those of us working in the sex addiction field.  That all changed this week with the airing of several television commercials for the website Ashely Madison on the television channels Spike TV and other US cable networks such as Animal Planet.

The advertisements, which you can view on the ispot.tv sites (http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7nPx/ashley-madison-zombies-international and http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7y34/ashley-madison-other-than-my-wife#moreData ), have been aired nationally over 300 times.  As an overview, the first commercial shows handsome rather clean cut, all American looking men cheerfully singing the tune whose catch phrase is “I’m looking for someone other than my wife.” The zombie themed commercial tells us that by having an affair with someone we hook up with on Ashley Madison, we will bring the excitement back to our marriage.  What is obvious in both of these advertisements is that the behavior should be secret.

I have no intention of making this blog about marriage, morality or religious beliefs.  I acknowledge that there are many couples who have open relationships in which they engage sexually with others outside of their marriage.  The key differences between couples in an open relationship and cheating in a non-open marriage are consent and secrecy.  In an open relationship, couples have agreed to the terms of the relationship.  They know that there will be sexual interactions outside the marriage.  Both parties in the relationship consent to these terms and there are no secrets.  What Ashley Madison is proposing and supports is infidelity in secret.

While we can laugh at the silly commercials or be aghast at the fact that the company is advertising a cheating website in the same manner that Ford advertises a new truck, the fact is that the commercials supporting the practice of infidelity completely ignore the effects of cheating on a marriage.  Where in these commercials is the scene where the unsuspecting spouse catches a sexually transmitted infection from their cheating husband or wife?  Where is the scene that shows the pain and anguish that the partner who has been cheated on feels and experiences?

In our practice, we often work with partners whose spouse or significant other has cheated on them, some even via the website Ashley Madison.  I think I can safely say that none of these partners felt as though their significant other’s cheating brought the excitement back into their marriage, unless by excitement the owners of Ashley Madison mean anger, rage, tears, heartache, anxiety and a deep sense of loss and betrayal.

Janis Abrahms Spring Ph.D.  (http://janisaspring.com/) is a renowned author who writes about infidelity.  In her book, After the Affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful, Dr. Abrahms Spring shares the possible psychological impact of an affair in a relationship.  These include a loss of: “identity, sense of specialness, self-respect for debasing yourself and forfeiting your basic values to win your partner back, self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged, control over your thoughts and actions, fundamental sense of order and justice in the world, religious faith, connection with others and sense of purpose or the will to live.”   I feel great empathy for the partners I work with who, unsuspectingly, will be exposed to this commercial and be emotionally triggered by both its existence and its content.

I understand that Ashley Madison is, above all, a company that wants to make money. I realize that in order to do that they need more subscribers.  However, I struggle with the complete lack of understanding of the impact of an affair on a relationship that is displayed by the company.  Has digital sexuality evolved to the point where we are encouraging lying and deception to our chosen partner on national television with a catchy tune?  Have we become so dehumanized on the internet that we truly believe that hooking up with someone via the internet is not cheating?

In the world of addiction (or affairs in this case) we often say that if there is a will, there is a way.  Therefore, if a man or woman wants to cheat on their spouse they will find a way to do so.  They will also easily find a way to do so without national advertising of hook up sites.

The post Infidelity goes Mainstream: Invalidating Partners’ Pain first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Updates from IITAP

Working with Betrayal in Couples 

 Every year a portion of the 1800 Certified Sex Addiction Therapists gather outside Phoenix, Arizona for the annual conference.  This February was the 9^th annual conference.  Though I have been a CSAT since 2009, this was my first trip to the conference.  As such, I thought I would write about what CSATs are working on and thinking about today.  

Drs. John and Julie Gottman presented the keynote speech on Thursday and discussed the Science of Trust and Betrayal.  Given the fact that the Gottman’s have an Institute (http://www.gottman.com/) and a large amount of product to sell, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that the talk was entirely clinical and was not at all a marketing ploy to buy their products or attend their trainings.  As I am not a couples therapist, I found the research on Masters and Disasters quite interesting.  They have extensively studied what makes a couple a “Master” versus a “Disaster.”  Masters are couples that stay together and both are in high relationship satisfaction.  Disasters are couples who either break up or stay together but are in low relationship satisfaction. 

 The studies show that one of the things that predict divorce is the ration of positive to negative emotions during conflict.  For couples who are in a happy relationship, they have a 5 to 1 ration of positivity to negativity when discussing a conflict.  The unhappy couples have a 0.8 to 1 ratio meaning they are more negative in communication than positive.  The corrosive interactions are termed the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse by the Gottmans.  These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  These reactions need to be turned into more positive actions such as using gentle start up, taking responsibility, building a culture of appreciation and engaging in physiological self-soothing. 

 So how do we make a relationship work?  The Gottmans provide 7 principles to make it work.  The first is to build love maps.  This means that you are aware of your partner’s internal psychological world.  We need to show interest in them, ask questions and remember the answers and take the time to check in with our partner’s emotional state.  The next thing we need to do is to nurture fondness and admiration.  This means we have to look at what our partner is doing right instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong!  We also need to express fondness and affection as well as build respect and intimacy.  This is something that we have to do often in small gestures.

 Another principle for making a relationship work is to turn toward bids of connection.  Both partners are often making bids for connection such as looking for attention, support, empathy, joy and adventure.  We need to laugh together and be affectionate and playful.  The fourth principle is to work to have positive sentiment override negative sentiment.  If the positive feelings we have toward our partner over ride that momentary emotional distance or anger it will help to make repair effective. 

 The fifth principle is to manage conflict constructively.  According to the presentation, 69% of conflict is not solvable.  There are times when personality conflicts among partners feel like mismatches.  Couples must process “past regrettable incidents.”  The Gottman-Rapoport Blueprint for conflict resolution includes using a soft start up instead of attacking.  Using repair and de-escalation in the discussion.  We need to be able to self sooth and work to find common ground and compromise. 

 Another very positive relationship principle is to help make our partner’s dreams come true.  This seems so simple yet is so profound.  In good relationships we nurture our partner’s dreams while we maintain our own.  The final principle is to create shared meaning with our partner.  When we do this, we create rituals of connection in our relationship.  This also means having shared values, goals and narratives. 

 As I was listening to this talk, I found the information very helpful and useful.  However, would it apply to couple’s in recovery from sex addiction?  When a partner finds out that their partner is engaging in compulsive sexual behavior, the trauma of discovery is potent enough to create the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Dr. Gottman proposes an Atone-Attune- Attach therapy method that could be helpful. 

 The first phase of this therapy, Atone, involves first exploring and validating the hurt partner’s PTSD.  Then the hurt partner asks questions with the betraying partner answering questions with transparency.  It is also suggested that at this phase the WHY question not be addressed and that detailed sexual questions not be asked as they can create triggers or ruminations for the partner.  The next key is to establish transparency and verification.  This Atone phase is very compatible with how we treat disclosure and the needs of partners in sex addiction treatment.

 The second phase is Attune.  In this phase the couple processes why the betrayal happened and work on conflict management.  They also suggest weekly meetings of the couple to process hurts, needs and feelings.  The final phase is to attach. In this phase, the couple works to create emotional connection and intimacy and focus on pro-relationship communication.  There is also a clear “formal high cost” or what we call non-negotiable for subsequent betrayals. 

 In reviewing the information for the writing of this blog, I come to the conclusion that the Gottman Method of couple’s work can be very applicable to work with couples that are in recovery from sex addiction.  Of course, every method requires some personalization for the couple and the specifics of the betrayal, but all in all, applying the concepts of Atone-Attune-Attach can be very helpful for couples working through recovery. 

 For more information on the Gottman Institute, please check out their website at www.gottman.com

The post Updates from IITAP – Helping Couples Heal first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.