I had the pleasure of hearing Dr. Fawcett give a presentation on Sex Under the Influence at the 2023 IITAP conference. 

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It was one of the more enjoyable discussions I caught while at the conference. He has a vast amount of experience working with dual chemical and sexual addictions. He is very clearly passionate about helping people work through these issues. 

So, when he published a book on the subject, I was eager to read it.   

Sex Under the Influence is aimed at Individuals

While this book’s target audience is individuals who are struggling with sexualized drug use, it will also be useful to clinicians who are not as familiar with the pairing of sex and drugs in a compulsive manner. 

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Do you believe your sexual behaviors are compulsive or harmful to you or others? Then you should take the CSBD-19 free, validated self-assessment tool.

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The first chapter does a nice job with the following points:

• What sexualized drug use is
• How people use sex and drugs together and why
• The biology of the addictive process and the consequences when pairing sex and drugs gets out of hand

Chapter 2 is either a nice primer or recap about what addiction is and how it can be experienced by people. 

Chapter 3 looks at addictive behaviors in a variety of demographic groups. 

I really enjoyed this chapter. It did something few books on addiction do: it discussed what addiction can look like for men, women, and transgender individuals. 

We know from the scientific literature that men and women experience addiction differently both socially and biologically. Dr. Fawcett also discussed how addiction may differ based on one’s sexual orientation. 

An entire chapter looking at the diversity of the addictive process was appreciated.  

Recovery Tools from Sex Under the Influence

Starting in Chapter 5, the book provides tools and information for recovery. For clinician’s reading this book, particularly those who are trained in treating problematic sexual behavior, a lot of this work will be familiar. 

For people struggling with addiction who are thinking about or entering into recovery, the second half of the book provides valuable tools such as:

• The three-circle exercise
• Emotion regulations tools
• Relapse prevention planning

Subsequent chapters delve into the long-term process of recovery. It implicitly and explicitly acknowledges this is a long-term or lifelong process. 

Recovery, particularly from issues with sexuality, require us to deepen connections. It requires us to delve into intimacy and our own sexuality.   

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

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My Favorite Part

One of the things I particularly like about Sex Under the Influence is the author’s discussion of harm reduction. 

So often, recovery is seen as an abstinence-only model and harm reduction is not discussed. 

Abstinence-only models can drive away those thinking about recovery but feel full abstinence is impossible. 

Additionally, abstinence-only models often are not realistic for problematic sexual behavior. Sexuality is part of who we are as humans. 

The author spends a chapter discussing harm reduction and how it can be applied to sexualized drug use.

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Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Book Review: Sex Under the Influence first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I admit that I am a sucker for any book on boundaries. Nearly all of our clients struggle with boundaries in their relationships, so I am always on the hunt for another resource that may speak to my clients. 

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The other day, while perusing the shelves at Barnes and Noble, I came across this little book titled Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. 

It felt like she marketed it just to me! 

The Author

Being a digital immigrant, I’m not up on all of the therapists who qualify as Instagram influencers.

Apparently, the author, is. 

With that information in hand, after I had purchased the book, I did my best read it with an open mind. I was not sure what I was going to get because, for some reason, an Instagram Influencer therapist had a negative connotation for me.

I was very pleasantly surprised.

Are you a Licensed Professional Counselor in need of continuing education? Learn more about Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, and Moral Incongruence from Dr. Weeks and Sexual Addiction Treatment Services, an NBCC ACEP™ approved provider!

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

This is a lovely little Book on Boundaries!

While you are not going to find any earth shattering insights into boundaries, you are going to find the information about boundaries shared in a very down to earth and relatable way. Set Boundaries… is written for everyone and avoids the typical therapy/self help trappings of pretense or intellectualism.  

Particularly helpful for my clients was the information provided in chapter 8 which talks about trauma and boundaries. 

With very tangible examples, Ms. Tawwab provides examples of physical, sexual and emotional boundaries. 

She then goes on to discuss how those boundary violations in trauma can lead to different attachment styles, again, with great real life examples of the behaviors that come from, say, an anxious attachment. The part of this chapter I found myself sharing with clients, before I even finished the book, was about self care.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

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Self Care

We hear the term self care tossed around a lot. What is self care, really? 

It is more than just taking some time for yourself to do some yoga, take a walk or have a cup of tea; all of which are super hard if you have a trauma history.

Here are a few of my favorite of her examples of self care:

• Spending holidays doing things that you enjoy, instead of being guilted into something you hate by family
• Checking in less often with people who drain your energy
• Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and teaching yourself things you weren’t taught in childhood

While the list is much longer, these are the examples that resonate with my clients most.

Beyond her relatable text and excellent examples, Ms. Tawwab also provides exercises or reflection questions at the end of each chapter for the reader to write about and reflect on.

Conclusion

So, yes, this is another book about boundaries. 

But it is a good little book about boundaries that is both very readable and relatable. Even while writing this, I’m thinking about buying the book in bulk to have in the office to give to clients and staff.

Buy Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab on Amazon.

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I came across this book about Autism and Sexuality while searching for information on Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and sex crimes. Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more individuals with ASD being arrested for sex crimes. I’ve been on a quest to make myself much more knowledgeable about the subject.

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The book, The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law: What every parent and professional needs to know, is part personal narrative and part educational. It is co-authored by an individual who was arrested for possession of child pornography, a psychologist specialized in ASD and a therapist specialized in sexuality and ASD. 

The Story

The book starts with the story of the investigation of Nick by the Federal government. 

This part of the story is very familiar to me. I hear it often from my clients. The manner in which the feds enter a home and talk to the suspect is routine and unchanging. 

What was new to me was this story from the perspective of someone with ASD and how he was affected by the traditional police policies. 

The book then goes on to share Nick’s history and how he finally was diagnosed with ASD as an adult. 

There are two chapters, one each, from Nick’s parents. Again, this perspective is common in my work with family members. But to hear it under the frame of ASD adds to the story. The pain of his parents is palpable. A pain, I imagine, many parents go through when their child is facing very serious consequences for very serious actions.

As Nick’s father is a law professor, his chapter provides excellent resources from a legal perspective as well.

Beyond Autism and Sexuality: The Law

The subsequent chapters are written by professionals with the purpose to educate the reader about ASD. The symptoms and how those symptoms can predispose someone with ASD to troubles with the law. 

The final chapters discuss the fact that nearly everyone, parents, teachers, etc, discounts the fact that individuals with ASD are sexual beings. This means they are frequently not taught sexual education as non ASD children are. There is an assumption that they will not have the same desires. 

Obviously, this assumption is inaccurate. 

Frequently, when the education is not provided, they will turn to the same place we all turn to, the internet. 

Using the internet for sexual education is fraught with challenges for everyone. Even more so for individuals with ASD due to some of their challenges with social interaction and theory of mind.

The Takeaway

While I did not learn as much from this book as I was hoping, I still believe it is an extremely useful resource. I can envision suggesting this book to the families of the individuals we work with who have family members with ASD whose behavior crosses legal boundaries and gets them involved with the criminal justice system.

Update April 2022: For a related review from another therapist’s perspective, see Eli Irving’s review of this book.

Update May 2022: Related research articles for sentencing reports and forensic psychological investigations.

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Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post The Law, Autism and Sexuality first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I have always been a bit of a superhero geek (more antihero) growing up. So, I was immediately drawn to Even a Superhero Needs Counseling.

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I was enlightened, as a child, by what a “good person” does through comic books. Therefore, as I got older, I realized that you have be careful about who you attempt to save.

Some people may turn into supervillains, whether you helped them, or not. However, being a therapist and a comic book fan, I often wonder what it would be like to have them sitting in front of me at times.

The Review: Even a Superhero Needs Counseling

In his book, Even A Superhero Needs Counseling, Daniel Bates has a good approach to analyzing these superheroes and supervillains. He suggests treatment options as if they were to see him for therapy.

His diagnosing the superheroes with disorders and proposing their treatment plans was interesting to ponder. I sense he investigated some differential diagnoses before stamping some of our favorite characters with a diagnosis.

I have no doubt that other therapists would say that he is spot on with some diagnoses. But others would disagree.

Do you believe your sexual behaviors are compulsive or harmful to you or others? Then you should take the CSBD-19 free, validated self-assessment tool.

How I Use These Lessons as a Therapist

Using this book to further investigate the minds of comic book heroes and foes could be useful in therapy sessions. Especially, when we have clients that identify with comic book characters or just to share an interest in a character to help understand why our client is interested in them. I find that the use of comics could provide a bridge to some of our clients that have not even heard of the comics. For example, they might be able to identify with the same struggles and find a similar coping skill that a character may have used.

I am not saying that we would recommend parading around as the caped crusader to avenge the people that cause trauma to others, however, we could look at the actions of comic book characters who are doing something healthy to help them cope with the dark worlds that we live in.

Maybe our clients could see themselves as their own superheroes?

To Find the book: Even A Superhero Needs Counseling: What Superheroes and Super-Villains Teach Us About Ourselves. By Daniel Bates, LMHC

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

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Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

The post Book Review: Even A Superhero Needs Counseling first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I’ve always been interested in contemporary male sexuality and the ramifications men and women face from our conceptions of it. As we learn more, concepts change, and often people are reluctant to change if it effects their perception or lifestyle critically.

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In Contemporary Male Sexuality: Confronting Myths and Promoting Change by Barry and Emily McCarthy, the authors do just what the title says. They identify and critique traditional male views regarding sex and relationships by calling those views myths. The authors question the efficacy of said views. They also demonstrate how those views place women as “second class.” This substantiates their reasoning for promoting more of a cohesive platform between both men and women.

McCarthy & McCarthy call this bridge the female-male sexual equity model.

“…having this in your arsenal for challenging the reluctance could be useful to promote healthy male sexuality vs the contrary.”

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

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What is the female-male sexual equity model?

The female-male sexual equity model is, essentially, a dialogue that promotes a roadmap and guidelines for change (p.11).

This concept is a great solution to the conflicts that surround what sex is and isn’t for both men and women. The model challenges both men and women to dive deeper into themselves to find their own healthy sexuality.

Once that is harnessed and articulated between partners, the relationship can grow, not only with emotional intimacy but also sexually. Statistically that’s 15-20% of relational happiness!

One statistic at that was redundant was the 15-20% efficacy of the role sexuality plays in the well-being of relationships (p.8). I and you will never forget this statistic. Whether you agree with that statistic, is up to you. The language that McCarthy & McCarthy use is moderately blaming of men for their oppressive views. Moreover, male readers should try to not take it personal and look at it more of a critique of male sexual culture. Which, without a doubt, needs to be updated and challenged.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Take the free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Who is Contemporary Male Sexuality for?

This book could be useful for clients that are open to challenging the perception of masculinity and their own preconceived notions of intimacy and sex.

For the reluctant client that does not want to challenge their perceptions, it could be difficult. However, having this in your arsenal for challenging the reluctance could be useful to promote healthy male sexuality vs the contrary.

Guest Post by Elijah Irving

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

The post Book Review: Contemporary Male Sexuality: Confronting Myths and Promoting Change first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I bought this book as soon as I saw it. I was excited to read it. That may sound odd to someone not in my field, there is so little published on sibling sexual abuse that any new readings on the topic catch my eye. 

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The occurrence of sibling sexual abuse is not that uncommon. However, it is VERY UNCOMMON for this type of abuse to be reported to parents, care givers or the authorities. There are so many people in the world who experienced this type of sexual abuse who have remained silent for decades. It is a taboo topic that is not talked about, though it should be.

My Review of Sibling Sexual Abuse

In my continued effort to be totally honest, I am going to say that I really wanted to like this book a lot more than I actually did. Here are some of my struggles with the book. 

1. Most of the research cited is old. Some of it from the late 1990’s, which, by research standards, is old. There are only a few citations from the past five years or so. In the author’s defense, there is not a lot of scientific research on sibling sexual abuse to draw from. However, a quick Science Direct search reveals newer research from the past few years.
2. There is a heavy use of “offender” and “deviant” when referring to a sibling sexual abuser. While the term offender is technically correct, in our more trauma informed world, I had a personal struggle with what felt like the heavy use of the word when we are talking about children, some pretty young, who have engaged in sexually abusive behavior. I own that the lens of my work is heavily trauma informed. So the use of words like deviant can hit my button for being very shame inducing. Others may not see the use of these words through that lens.
3. The author expresses some ideas, that are currently theories, as facts. Concepts such as pornography addiction shaping arousal templates of young people are not considered to be scientifically proven at this point and are rather controversial in our field. While I do agree with the author’s thoughts about the influence of large amounts of pornography viewing on young people’s sexual attitudes and possibly behavior, I struggle to speak of them as absolute facts.
4. I found the book a little confusing as well. Though I perceived the language in the beginning of the book as not terribly trauma informed, the author then laid out treatment options and philosophies that were very trauma informed. The holistic, individualized, trauma informed treatment that he suggests is sometimes at odds with the language used. 

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Learn More about Sibling Sexual Abuse

• Sibling Sexual Abuse as Family Dysfunction
• Sibling Sexual Abuse: A Parental Perspective
• Book Review: Sibling Sexual Abuse
• Adverse Childhood Experiences and Sibling Incest

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How My Review is Shaded by My Professional Experience

After I write my list of complaints about the book, I need to take a step back and check my perspective. 

I do a large amount of forensic work which means I am steeped in research articles and science. Actually, I love it too! I realize that not everyone looks at what is basically a self-help book through a scientific lens. I am, perhaps, being way too hard on this book and the author.

With my own biases in mind, I realize that this is a book that is not written for the scientific community, I can then truly see the value in this book. 

We NEED to talk about sibling sexual abuse. The people who were victims of this form of abuse need a voice and this book is a starting point for them to understand that we see them, and they are not alone. 

The book also offers some very solid treatment options, as well as looking very honestly at the issues that can arise for a family dealing with sibling sexual abuse. This can include Children and Youth involvement, legal issues, family separation and possible placement of the child that has committed the sexually abusive behavior.

Sibling Sexual Abuse, available on Amazon.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Are you looking for more reputable data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Then you should consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Book Review: Sibling Sexual Abuse first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I read Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts for several reasons: 

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The first is that we sometimes have individuals referred to us for potential sexual addiction who have intrusive sexual thoughts. Frequently these individuals are not dealing with a problematic sexual behavior, but intrusive sexual thoughts and we refer them out to a great area clinician who specializes in treating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Second, we do have a lot of clients who have some version of intrusive thoughts. So, I thought: the more I could learn about it, the better.

The subtitle of the book is A CBT based guide to getting over frightening, obsessive or disturbing thoughts. 

My initial assumption was that the book was going to more traditionally CBT focused, but I did not find it so. It reads more like a book that is advocating some level of mindfulness-based practice. 

This is perfect for me as we often use this in our practice. 

One helpful part of this book is how much it normalizes intrusive thoughts. Many people have thoughts that pop into their heads that are about violence, sexualized content or doing or engaging in what the author calls “disgusting” acts. 

Anytime we can work to reduce shame it is a great thing! 

Struggling with excessive sexual thoughts, urges, or activities that are causing you distress? Take the free, online Sexual Symptom Assessment Scale (SSAS) and get a link to share with your therapist.

The Six Steps to Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

I want to focus this review on the authors six steps to reduce distress over a thought. They are very mindfulness based and are also extremely applicable to dealing with urges and cravings in any type of addiction. 

The steps are: 

Recognize

The first step is to just recognize that an intrusive thought is just a thought. To adapt this to addiction recovery, a craving is just a craving. We can recognize it for what it is. That means we pause and label it. Thought. Craving, etc.

Just Thoughts

The next step is to remind oneself that it is just a thought or craving. 

Accept and Allow

From there we Accept and Allow the thought or craving. The author says that this means we actively allow the thoughts to be there. We don’t act on it, but we also do not need to give the thoughts or cravings attention. For example, someone in recovery might say to themselves, this is just a craving.

Float and Feel

The Float and Feel step requires perhaps a bit more explanation. The author says to float above the fray and allow the feelings to just stay there. This is described as an attitude of “non-active, non-urgent, non-effortful observation.” This is also called the Wise Mind. Float and Feel is to passively allow the thought or craving to be and not engage with it. 

Let Time Pass

Perhaps one of the hardest steps is to just let time pass. This is to learn to sit with the feelings that come up and not try to immediately do something to get rid of them. Recognize that a thought or a craving is just a false message from our brain. 

Proceed

The last step is to Proceed or just keep going. Continue with whatever it was that you were doing. 

Of course, as with most difficult things we need to change, this process is much easier said than done.  These steps take time to learn and even more time to master.  A good first step is to just be able to recognize a thought or a craving and label it for what it is. I am having a craving.  I am just going to try to sit with it as long as I can without judging it.  Thoughts and cravings pass.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Conclusion

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts is a nice primer to help individuals start to understand their intrusive thoughts. 

It also helps them come to understand if the thoughts are simply intrusive thoughts or indicative of something else, such as OCD, that might require professional help to master.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Book Review: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Rob Weiss’s latest contribution to the recovery community is his book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency. 

This book, and the philosophy of prodependence are an alternate take on the idea of codependency that has been rampant in the addiction recovery movement for decades. 

What is Codependency?

Codependence has been defined as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition, such as an addiction” (Merriam-Webster). 

In the recovery community the spouse, partner or family of someone suffering from an addiction is often labeled a codependent. 

This term came into the recovery lexicon in the 1980’s and became part of everyday language. 

A codependency diagnosis was rejected by the APA for the inclusion into the DSM but the “diagnosis” has persisted and there are 12 step meetings for Codependents (CODA). 

Do you believe your sexual behaviors are compulsive or harmful to you or others? Then you should take the CSBD-19 free, validated self-assessment tool.

How is Prodependence Different from Codependency?

Rob Weiss proposes the the concept of Prodependence. He, and other therapists, believe codependence is not helpful to family members. 

Family members, loved ones, or care givers of addicts, in the codependency model, are often told they’re part of the problem. However, they’re just trying to cope with a very difficult situation. 

Prodependence is a term to describe “attachment relationships that are healthfully interdependent, where one person’s strengths support the vulnerabilities of another and vice versa, with this mutual support occurring automatically and without question.” (p53.) 

Rob prefers this concept as it celebrates a loved one’s desire to help the addict in their life without shame or blame.

Distancing from the term ‘enabling’

Prodependence looks at the behaviors of those around the addict as attempts to maintain or restore healthy attachment.

Not as enabling. 

Treating prodependence is similar to treating co-dependence in terms of encouraging healthy boundaries and self care. 

However, it differs by being a strength based, attachment driven model that values loved ones of an addict.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

Kindness and Empathy, Not Shaming

Another key idea behind prodependence, is that an addict has an attachment disorder and needs healthy attachment to truly heal. 

Encouraging prodependence, treating addicts and their loved ones with kindness, empathy and respect, can help repair attachment traumas. 

Intimacy Versus Codependency

Another difference between prodependence and codependence is looking at addiction as an intimacy disorder. In opposition to tough love, intimacy disorders are treated with the pursuit of healthy, intimate and ongoing connection.

While suggesting that codependence may be an outdated concept is risky, it doesn’t feel groundbreaking. Prodependence feels like the natural conclusion when you consider what we’ve learned about attachment, intimacy and shame.

As Johann Hari suggests in his TED Talk, “What if all we were taught about addiction is wrong?” 

Perhaps, instead, we should treat addicts and their loved ones without shame and blame. We might get farther modeling healthy attachment, boundaries, compassion, and empathy instead.

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency – Book Review first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

I was asked to teach the graduate human sexuality course last fall at the Moravian Theological Seminary. I was on the hunt for new books for the course and Sex, God & the Conservative Church:  Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy, by Tina Schermer Sellers, Ph.D. fit the bill. 

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Because this course was being taught at a seminary, I needed to at least touch on religion and sex. I found this book at the AASECT conference. 

Once I started to read the book I thought “WHERE HAS THIS BOOK BEEN ALL MY CLINICAL LIFE?”

Faith and Sex Addiction Treatment

As someone whose primary clinical practice involves issues related to sexuality (Sex addiction, sexual offending and other problematic sexual behavior), issues of faith are frequently brought into the treatment room.

It seems, that for many, faith and sex are intertwined. 

As someone who is not a Christian counselor, I didn’t always have the perspective or language to help some clients work through this as much as I could have. 

This book is an exceptional resource for clinicians, clients, or church groups!

Sex, God & the Conservative Church takes the reader first through a journey of the history of how sexuality and faith became derailed. 

Of particular interest to me, working with sexual addiction, was her discussion of Saint Augustine, who she labeled a sexually troubled soul. This is of interest to me as one of the main 12 step fellowship groups for sex addiction is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). This fellowship is an Augustine Fellowship, named after the saint.

“While Augustine offered much that was foundational in the formation of Christian Theology, sexual desire and his own desire for women, which he was never able to completely escape, tortured him until the end.  His legacy of shame, fear of the body, and suspicion of its desire is with us today” p 33-34

The author suggests that a great deal of the root of sexual shame that Christians struggle with is rooted in his teachings.  I find it ironic, or perhaps a bit upsetting, that one of the main 12 step fellowships for recovery from sexual addiction is rooted in sexual shame.

Once past the history, the book delves into tangible ways to help people heal from their sexual shame and pursue sex positive messages from God and a sex positive Gospel.  Dr. Schermer Sellers frames the healing of sexual shame in a four-step process which will be very helpful for all people who are struggling with sexual shame, not just those that identify as Christian.

1. Frame – provide sexual education to a client that they did not receive
2. Name – help the client get their story heard by someone important to them.
3. Claim – the client works to accept and own their body as a wonderful unique thing to undo the harmful messages inherited from religion and culture
4. Aim – help the client write a new story of what they believe and what their legacy is to become.

Another aspect of this book that I really enjoy is the authors emphasis on normalizing childhood sexuality and the need for real, accurate and frequent sexual education being taught to children.  When families do not talk about sex and sexuality to children, they often assume it is something to be kept secret.  Worse yet is when a parent or care giver overtly shames a child for expressing normal sexual behavior or curiosity.  This can create a go to thought process of sex being dirty and bad.  If I (the child) have a sexual thought or feeling, I must be bad. Those of us who do this work know that so much of the struggle is rooted in shame and secrets.  If we normalize and teach children about healthy sexuality we can erase the shame that is often at the core of sexual problems.  To again quote the author:

“A culture that shames children for normal sexual expression plants seeds that manifest themselves in adult life in the form of disturbances in relationship, libido, and sexuality.  Sexual shame can sever the experience of sensual pleasure in a deep, loving attachment because it eclipses the person’s ability to feel seen, known, loved and accepted with and through their sensual body.  “ p. 106

I don’t think I can express strongly enough how wonderful this book is.  It should be a required reading for anyone who works with clients who struggle with sexual issues, be they sex therapists, sex educators or sex addiction therapists.  One of my strongly held beliefs is that we have to be sex positive in our work and not perpetuate sexual shame in our clients (see previous writing on being a sex positive sex addiction therapist).  Learning to integrate a sex positive Gospel for those of the Christian faith will go a long way to reduce sexual shame and reduce problematic sexual behavior.

For more information on Dr. Jennifer Weeks and her practice, head over to Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.  

The post Book Review: Sex, God, and the Conservative Church first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Earlier this year, Dr. Justin Lehmiller published his book Tell Me What You Want:  The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life.  Dr. Lehmiller is a researcher and writer about human sexuality. I became familiar with his work from his blog, Sex and Psychology and use his textbook in my graduate Human Sexuality Course.  I was excited to see him write something for the general public as his previous writings have been more academic.

Dr. Lehmiller wrote this book based on the results of a survey he conducted in which he asked more than 4,000 Americans over 350 questions about sexual fantasies.  He also obtained information about sexual histories, psychological profiles and demographics.  What emerged from the data is that Americans fantasize about sex a lot and many things that might not seem “normal” are quite normal after all.

When people come in to treatment for anything relating to sex, I always get questions about what is normal.  How often do people have sex? How much porn viewing is normal?  I have a fetish, does that mean I am not normal?  For some reason, we are worried about our sexual appetites and arousal templates not being normal.  I always answer that there is no such thing as normal but after reading this book, the “normal” that so many people assume about American sexuality is not terribly normal at all.

So, what are the top seven things Americans fantasize about?  The number one sexual fantasy is about multi-partner sex.  Coming in at number two is power, control and rough sex.  Third is novelty, adventure and variety.  Fourth is taboo or forbidden sex.  Rounding out the bottom three are partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships, passion and romance and erotic flexibility (homoeroticisim and gender bending).

Instead of summarizing the entire book (go read it for all the juicy details), I’ll give you some fun facts.  Men and women are different in how they fantasize.  Interestingly, Dr. Lehmiller found that when women fantasize, they don’t really fantasize about a particular person but in their fantasies, women frequently see themselves as the object of desire.  They are the focus of the fantasy, not the other person.  Men, on the other hand, tend to be the actors in a fantasy, acting on an object of desire.

What do your politics say about your sexual fantasies?  Well, if you are a Democrat, you are more likely to fantasize about things like intimacy, bonding and BDSM.  The Republicans, on the other hand, were much more likely to fantasize about things that are a bit more taboo such as orgies, infidelity and swinging.  Republicans were also more likely to fantasize about things like exhibitionism and voyeurism.  Why you ask?  Dr. Lehmiller suggest that we tend to want what those in positions of authority tell us we can’t have!!!

Dr. Lehmiller’s book is a helpful resource for both therapists and non-therapists alike.  Many Americans deal with a great deal of sexual shame.  They either have been told or believe that their sexual fantasies, desires or behavior are wrong, sinful, perverted etc.  The fact is, the opposite is quite true.  When we hold sexual shame, we tend to repress our true sexual feelings.  This can cause problems in relationships but also in our own mental health.

I will end this short review with the following quote from the book:

“What all this tells us is that we need to stop judging whether sexual desires are healthy or unhealthy based only on how many people in the population have them.  Instead, what we really need to do is look at sexual interests on a case by case basis and ask ourselves two questions that have nothing to do with how many people have them: (1) is this sexual activity consensual or non consensual? (2) does it pose an unacceptable risk of harm to one or more people that goes well beyond the usual risks of having sex?” p181

Dr. Lehmiller has a slightly different take on what I say frequently to my clients and students about sexual desires.  I don’t care what it is as long as it is consensual and legal!

I encourage you to read Tell Me What You Want:  The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life.  If nothing else, maybe it helps erase some sexual shame, which is something our culture needs more of!

The post Book Review: Tell Me What You Want first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.