Therapists who work with problematic sexual behavior often say, me included, that we are worried about kids being exposed to pornography at an early age or are learning about sex from porn. 

Anecdotally, we know that young children have access to pornography of any theme, including violent pornography, child pornography, etc., and it scares us. We don’t want kids learning that this is what live sex with a real partner looks like. What we don’t actually have is the science to either back up or refute out fears. 

What does the research say about kids learning about sex from porn?

Rothman et al, in a research article published in 2021 in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, sought to address this lack of research by surveying American adolescents (600 14–17-year-olds) and young adults (666 18-24 year old) to find out where they found helpful sexual education material and what made some of them find pornography to be the most helpful. 

The survey respondents were asked the following questions, where did they find sources of helpful information to learn about sex? Did they receive helpful information about sexual health from their parents? What sexual experiences have they had? What is their relationship status as well as general demographic characteristics? 

The study found that when parents had not talked to their adolescent about sex in at least a year, the child was more likely to perceive pornography as a helpful source of information about sex.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

So, do we really have cause to worry? The study found that among the adolescents, the two most frequent sources of helpful information about sex came from parents (31%) and peers (21.6%). Very few of the adolescents (8.4%) stated that they found helpful information from pornography.  

The data from the young adults was quite different. Among the 18- to 24-year-old respondents, they thought the most helpful information about sex was from pornography (24.5%) with sexual peers as a source of helpful information coming in as a close second (24.1%).

My Analysis

As a treatment provider and someone who has written about the effects of cybersex on teens, what disturbs me the most is the finding that 43% of the adolescents and 45% of the young adults in the survey reported that they did not receive any helpful information about sex from any source in the year prior. This means that many of the individuals are likely sexually active and not accessing or being provided important healthy sexuality education.

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Licensed Professional Counselors: Dr. Weeks’ course Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, Moral Incongruence looks at what can be mistaken for sex addiction and offers treatment considerations for distinguishing those problems.

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

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For those of us who are worried that adolescents are looking to pornography for sexual education, we can perhaps take the fear down a notch. The authors concluded, based at least on their study respondents, that adolescents do not consider pornography as the most helpful resource for information about sex. 

The Key Takeaway

Here is the tidbit from the study I like the most. The study found that when parents had not talked to their adolescent about sex in at least a year, the child was more likely to perceive pornography as a helpful source of information about sex. This means that parents need to be having continual conversations with their adolescents about sex and sexual health. A one and done conversation is NOT optimal and may influence a child to look to pornography for information.

Reference: Rothman, E.F., Beckmeyer, J.J., Herbenick, D., Fu, T-C., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J.D. (2021). The prevalence of using pornography for information about how to have sex:  Findings from a nationally representative survey of U.S. adolescents and young adults.  Archives of Sexual Behavior, doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01877-7

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? Consult with a professional.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Are Kids Learning About Sex from Porn? first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

One of the many comments I often hear when talking about pornography and young people is, “What’s the big deal? I saw my dad’s playboy when I was a kid and I’m ok.” This statement is true on many accounts. Yes, many people grew up sneaking a peek at a Playboy or Penthouse magazine and they never developed a pornography addiction. True, many people watched pornography when they were young and never developed a pornography addiction. So why are we worried about this now?

Today’s pornography is not your father’s porn. Not only has the internet made access to pornography nearly unlimited, it has also shaped the types of pornography available. Today’s internet pornography is much more aggressive than the pornography produced in the pre-internet age and when it was in its early days. Studies show that 88% of scenes in the most popular pornography show physical aggression and 94% of that aggression is aimed at women. Common sexually aggressive acts include slapping, choking, gagging and verbal aggression. Young people who are being exposed to pornography without any education about it are viewing pornography that is frequently aggressive. This often becomes their idea of what sex is supposed to look like. Therefore, young people can come away with the belief that sex is supposed to be rough and aggressive all the time.

Not only does today’s pornography frequently show acts of sexual aggression directed toward women, but it also overwhelmingly shows that women enjoy these acts of aggression. So not only does current pornography tell its viewers that it is ok to be aggressive in sex, it also tells them that women like it. What teens see on pornography videos, they frequently act out in real life. This means that they will possibly try these aggressive acts out with a partner as a matter of course. They won’t talk to their partner about them or negotiate consent.

What we are talking about is the mainstreaming of aggressive sex. I do want to take a minute to differentiate that from BDSM practices. Some people are aroused by acts of physical aggression, humiliation, etc. There is one key difference between acts practiced by those who embrace BDSM and what is seen in pornography. A key concept in the practice of BDSM is consent and care. People who are engaging together have talked about behaviors, consent and safe words. They have communicated about the sexual aggression ahead of time. This is not a practice that mainstream pornography is depicting. Mainstream pornography is often depicting rough sex as something that every woman wants.

Yes, many people who grew up before internet pornography often did view magazines or movies on that old VHS or even DVD player. The pornography that was readily available pre-internet is fundamentally different than what is frequently produced in the fast paced internet pornography age. When you think about your child’s exposure to online pornography, please do not think of it in terms of a rather innocuous Playboy centerfold. Parents need to be aware of the nature of internet pornography and what their children may be seeing. It becomes the parent’s responsibility to teach them that what they see in pornography is not what real life sex looks like. It is the parent’s responsibility to teach about consent and treating partners with dignity and respect.

For more on this topic, please watch The Porn Factor available on www.itstimewetalked.com.au. Also, please read The New Age of Sex Education: How to talk to your teen about cybersex and pornography in the digital age for more detailed information on the effect of pornography on children and how to talk about it.

The post Not Your Father’s Porn first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Sometimes I think I should rename this blog: “The parenting chronicles of my amazing friend in North Carolina.”

I wrote about her experiences before when she shared with me that her eldest daughter was witness to a friend sexting on the school bus at the beginning of the school year.

This week, she shared something she overheard while her youngest child, 7, was playing with a neighbor.

My friend, let’s call her Pam to give her some privacy, was outside overseeing her children play with the neighbor children.

She overtly acknowledges that she loves these neighbor children. They are very good kids. Their parents are great parents who are active in their lives, in the community and in the church.

Young children, like this 8-year-old in the story, should not have unfettered access to the internet.

Pam’s kids love these kids too.

As a reminder, Pam is a proactive parent. She talks to her children about all things, including sexuality, sexting, etc. She has filters on her family’s technology as she has children of multiple ages and does not want them accessing inappropriate material in the home.

But she also knows that she has little control over what goes on in the homes of their friends or on the technology of her children’s friends.

The Story

She relayed the following story:

“Yesterday my youngest, who is merely 7 years old, was playing with some neighborhood kids in my side yard… One of them had a cell phone with her that has a plan and data so she can watch whatever she wants wherever she wants whenever she wants. I heard my child complaining about how she doesn’t have a phone and about how annoyed she is that our internet is completely locked down and they don’t get to surf the web…as she put it. The little girl who had the phone chimed in and said she gets to watch whatever she wants. That she found videos of people who kiss each other in their private places. I almost fell over”

Being in possession of emotion regulation skills, Pam did not freak out but made a mental note.

She now is going to head over to the neighbor’s house and let them know what she overheard. She is nervous about the conversation because she really likes all parties involved and she doesn’t want any hard feelings between anyone in the relationships.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

What Should You Do in this Situation?

What lessons do we learn here? Access to the internet should be age appropriate.

Young children, like this 8-year-old in the story, should not have unfettered access to the internet. It is simply not age appropriate.

Additionally, she should not have unfettered access to the internet without any parental discussion of what she might find. As the girl gets older, in conjunction with good discussions between parents and child, those restrictions can be lessened.

This story brings home what those of us in the field already know.

Young children are accidentally exposed to pornography. It happens. And it happens a lot.

When I teach, we use the statistic that the average age of first exposure to online pornography is 10. I also always use the proviso that this is old data so the age is likely younger, in this case 8.

This child did not intentionally look for pornography. She saw a video of something that she did not understand. She also did not talk to her parents about it. However, she knew that it was to be kept secret.

The Takeaway

• PLEASE don’t be in denial.
• Start talking to your children about this topic early in an age appropriate fashion.
• Do not let their sex education begin with the accidental viewing of pornography.
• Do not give young children unfiltered access to the internet. They are not developmentally ready yet!
• Most of all, BE AWARE and TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Things 8 year olds say: I’ve seen videos of people kissing each other in their private parts first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

Absolute Denial: “No not my child! My son doesn’t look at porn online.” “My daughter would never send a naked picture of herself.”

Very recently a young teenage girl was lured into a meeting with a college man on the messaging app Kik and she was killed. This tragic event has spurned a barrage of news articles and blogs about the dangers of the app Kik and what parents need to know. While these blogs and news articles are helpful, they are a little late.

Moment of honesty. Sometimes I get really upset at parents. Truly, I don’t get angry at parents, I get upset at denial. Kik is not new. Other messaging apps like Kik are not new. Those of us who work in the field and deal with cybersex issues have been talking about Kik and other messaging apps for a really long time. If you read a newspaper or see any online news, you know that these types of apps are all over the news. I find it hard to believe that parents don’t know that these things exist. Unfortunately, many parents are stuck in DENIAL.

Denial is a concept with which anyone who works with addiction or knows an addict is familiar. Addiction author Terrance Gorski identifies 12 types of denial (http://www.tgorski.com/clin_mod/dmc/denial_checklist.htm). An addict in denial won’t admit they have a problem, to themselves or others. Denial is not just a problem of addiction. I see Parental Denial frequently in the work that we do with sex addiction and cybersex issues.

So what do I mean by parental denial. Parental denial is a place that many parents, even aware parents, live when they think about their child’s engagement in cybersex or use of online pornography. I have encountered countless smart, aware, on-top-of-things parents, who categorically deny that their child has seen online pornography, sent a sext, received a sext, or engaged in some type of sexual activity on an app. Because of this denial, parents don’t talk to their children about their digital media use.

When their child gets into the therapy room, we find out that, yes, in fact, they have seen pornography online. Sometimes they are looking at it A LOT. Most of the time we find out that they have been sent a sexual message, though they may not have sent one back. They message all the time on a number of apps, so many in fact, that it is hard for someone over about 16 to keep up. These parents think that because they have smart, responsible, and kind children, these children would not engage in anything related to cybersex. Facts are facts. These may be great, wonderful teens but they are still teens. Teens are subject to peer pressure and the desire to fit in. The teenage brain is not yet fully developed, leaving them at the mercy of impulsiveness and often poor decision making skills.

Wouldn’t it be better if we all worked from the assumption that all teens have been or will be exposed to sexual material in the digital world. That way, it should become a PRIORITY to talk to your children about sex, sexuality and cybersex. If you are open with your child and talk about these issues, you are engaging in the best kind of prevention there is. Openness. Honesty. Acknowledging sexuality as a part of humanness that does not need to be shamed and can be discussed openly.

It upsets me to think of how many parents have become aware of their child’s cybersex engagement through law enforcement or school officials, particularly when it is avoidable. . If parents engage in open discussion with their children, the number of children exposed to scandal, legal charges or even physical harm will surely decrease.

To learn more about talking to your child about cybersex, please go to The New Age of Sex Education.

The post Parental Denial: Yes, Your Child Has Seen Pornography first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

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Update: 3 Reasons You Might Want to Block Pornography

How Many Clicks Until Your Child Finds Hardcore Pornography?

If this is your first visit, let me start by saying I work with pornography addicts.

A few weeks ago a client shared with me an experience he had with his child. This client has been in recovery for years. He is VERY knowledgeable about online pornography, it’s dangers and how easy it is to access pornography online.

The Incident

My client related that his wife had found pornography on his son’s phone. His son is in the 12 year old range.

My client and his wife are savvy folks.

They handled this situation and conversation with their son with grace, knowledge, compassion and most of all, lack of judgment.

The point of this story is not that he found pornography on his 12 year old son’s phone. It’s not that he and his wife handled it beautifully (but that’s great!). The point is that my client, a pornography addict in recovery, was shocked by WHAT he found on his son’s phone.

Rape Pornography.

How did I get here?

This young man went down the rabbit hole.

That is what many of my clients call the process:

• You start with an innocuous image – maybe something risque but not pornographic.
• You begin searching the web for something related that titillated you.
• Click Click Boom. The clicking process starts the trance for which the internet is so famous.

This can happen if you are clicking links on Zappos, Wikipedia or pornography.

The internet sucks you in and you end up on some site, three hours later, with no idea how you ended up looking at the page you are looking at. For a great discussion of this, check out Phillip Zimbardo’s Ted Talk on The Demise of Guys.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Back to the Story

My client’s son clicked on a non-pornographic link on a webpage he was viewing.

He told his father that in a series of very FEW clicks, he ended up watching pornography that simulated (we hope) rape scenes.

It was that easy.

Three or four clicks into adolescent curiosity online and an impressionable young mind is watching violent pornography. It piqued his curiosity and on a subsequent visit to the internet, he typed rape pornography in the search box.

What the Research Says

It’s not uncommon for adolescents to view pornography.

It is now seen, in some circles, as part of the process of adolescent sexual awakening and awareness.

However, what research also tells us is that adolescents who are frequent users of pornography have views that support the objectification of women and have distorted views on the act of sex itself.

Violent pornography sends messages to minds that are not yet ready to fully understand them, about the role of consent and violence in sex.

These messages are not good.

The Takeaways

My client was not shocked that his son was viewing pornography. He was shocked at the type of pornography he was watching.

He was upset at himself about his own denial. He never thought this would happen.

This is the point of my story today: Parents are often in denial, even parents who are more in tune to the technological world.

If your child is older than ten, chances are he or she has seen pornography. If they are 12 or older, chances are they have seen quite a bit of pornography. Parents need to talk to their kids about internet pornography.

This conversation has to happen not just once, but often. Parents need to know what types of pornography their children might view and be able to talk about that too.

Has your child seen violent pornography? Have they seen pornography with animals, same sex participants, or even child pornography? Parents need to prepare to talk about all of these things if they want to truly help their child navigate this online world in the healthiest way possible.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

Are you looking for more reputable, data-backed information on sexual addiction? The Mitigation Aide Research Archive is an excellent source for executive summaries of research studies.

The post Down the Rabbit Hole first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

Anyone who has heard me lecture or has been a client of my practice knows how concerned I am about how our culture shames sex and sexuality.

The sex addicts I work with have such an enormous sense of shame about their addiction.

Their partners have their own sense of shame about being in a relationship with a sex addict.

Our culture shames sexuality… All. The. Time.

Media Portrayals

I have become more and more uncomfortable about how the media is handling the topic of pornography use among adolescents.

If you do a Google search about kids looking at pornography the predominant language is “caught.”

My hope is that when a parent discovers that his or her child has viewed online pornography, they do not view the incident as “caught,” but that they can understand that this is a normative behavior and talk to their child in that context.

Are you a professional looking to stay up-to-date with the latest information on, sex addiction, trauma, and mental health news and research? Or maybe you’re looking for continuing education courses?

Stay up-to-date with all of Dr. Jen’s work through her practice’s newsletter!

“’Caught’ your child looking at pornography?”

“What to do if you catch your child watching porn.”

Implied in the word “catch,” in this context, is the idea that someone is doing something wrong or deceptive. Some might say that I am being overly sensitive to the use of this word, but I don’t think that I am. Here’s why.

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Licensed Professional Counselors: Dr. Weeks’ course Sex Addiction, Erotic Conflict, Moral Incongruence looks at what can be mistaken for sex addiction and offers treatment considerations for distinguishing those problems.

Sexual Addiction Treatment Services has been approved by NBCC as an Approved Continuing Education Provider, ACEP No. 7250. Programs that do not qualify for NBCC credit are clearly identified. Sexual Addiction Treatment Services is solely responsible for all aspects of the programs.

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Creating Shame

When working with my sexually addicted clients, we always talk about what happened if anyone (mostly parents) ever found them looking at pornography or masturbating.

The language of “caught” always comes up:

• “Mom caught me masturbating.”
• “Dad caught me looking at pornography.”

The act of being “caught” produced shame and embarrassment in the majority of my clients. The next thing we always talk about is the reaction of the person who “caught” them.

Most of the time the “catcher” was reactive, said something negative or did not respond well. My clients frequently garnered one message from this interaction:

Sex is shameful and embarrassing.

It becomes internalized as: “There must be something wrong with me if I am engaging in this behavior.”

From that point on, shame has entered their sense of sexuality. If I am ashamed of something, I will keep it secret.

Shame and secrets are two of the hallmarks of sexual addiction.

In today’s digital world, if we “catch” a teen looking at pornography online, we are “catching” a normative behavior.

Viewing pornography for many adolescents is a part of their sexual exploration. Access and availability have made online pornography a venue for sexual exploration and sex education.

If we use shaming language with our children or shame them for engaging in something normative, we are fusing sex and shame together. This fusion has the potential to lead to trouble in the future.

Do you believe you have an online pornography addiction? Then take this free Cyber Pornography Addiction Test (CYPAT) and have the results to speak with your therapist.

Parents Can’t Just Look the Other Way

Just because online pornography viewing is a normative adolescent behavior does not mean that it is not without problems. It is not the best venue for sex education.

It is often in conflict with a family’s religious or moral beliefs. Frequent consumption can also alter beliefs about sex, objectification of women and ideas about consent.

My hope is that when a parent discovers that his or her child has viewed online pornography, they do not view the incident as “caught,” but that they can understand that this is a normative behavior and talk to their child in that context.

As a parent, you should discuss:

• How the behavior is, perhaps, in direct conflict with the family religious beliefs
• How pornography can distort ideas about healthy sexuality and connection
• Sex education in an open way

This can all be done in a manner that does not make the child feel wrong, sinful, dirty or perverted for having watched pornography.

The work of not shaming sexuality in teens is the work of the parents. This is prevention. Where there is no shame, there are no secrets.

This post contains affiliate links. The author or blog owner may earn a commission if you make a purchase using these links.

For an in-depth guide on talking to your adolescents about cybersex and pornography, check out Dr. Jen’s book. Amazon | BookBaby

Do you feel your sexual behavior, or that of someone you love, is out of control? consult with a professional.

Have you found yourself in legal trouble due to your sexual behavior? Seek assistance before the court mandates it, with Sexual Addiction Treatment Services.

The post Caught your kid looking at porn? How we shame children first appeared on Dr. Jen's Recovery Readings.